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DD "needs" non mommy time
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Pickle Lady








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 1:48 pm       Post subject: Re: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Ruchel wrote:
Quote:
Truthfully by american standards the fact that you live at home and haven't even moved out of your bedroom and you are married with a kid to many here in the US is a problem bigtime.


Well, to each their own. But where would you want me to live? in the garden? really my room is the best solution, because it has its own floor, bathroom... while if I moved in a guest room it would be on the same floor than my parents.


Why not do what any normal coouple does and move out of the house and get your own apartment like adults. I think its nice to see an extended family living together just like I think its great to see a mother spending time with thier children.
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Ruchel








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 1:53 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Quote:
Why not do what any normal coouple does and move out of the house and get your own apartment like adults.


Adults can't live with their parents? My great grandmother lived with my grandparents until she died. It used to be done. Nowadays, people are less into family, even Jews. Is that so good?


Quote:
I think its nice to see an extended family living together just like I think its great to see a mother spending time with thier children.


so why the bashing?
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Pickle Lady








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 2:12 pm       Post subject: Re: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Ruchel wrote:
Quote:
Why not do what any normal coouple does and move out of the house and get your own apartment like adults.


Adults can't live with their parents? My great grandmother lived with my grandparents until she died. It used to be done. Nowadays, people are less into family, even Jews. Is that so good?


Quote:
I think its nice to see an extended family living together just like I think its great to see a mother spending time with thier children.


so why the bashing?


To show you that its hypicritical. I have a feeling that your great great grandmother also didn't send her kids to daycare at 9 months either worried that they would be spoiled.
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amother








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 2:30 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Hmmm...and I wonder why the birth rate in Europe is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down. Except for the Muslim part of the population.
Who can better teach the kids than a mother, who really wants what's best for them. And yes, they need to be socialized, but not necessarily at 10 months. And actually it's better to have playdates in the house than send kids out of the house, because then you know exactly what and who they are being exposed to. And yes, a burned out mommy is entitled to a break, so she could be a better mom and wife. Not because the child is a nuisance to be rid of at the earliest opportunities so mommy can do more important things. Our goal in life is to produce the next generation of avdei Hashem, and it does take a lot of work.
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Ruchel








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 3:24 pm       Post subject: Re: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Pickle Lady wrote:
Ruchel wrote:
Quote:
Why not do what any normal coouple does and move out of the house and get your own apartment like adults.


Adults can't live with their parents? My great grandmother lived with my grandparents until she died. It used to be done. Nowadays, people are less into family, even Jews. Is that so good?


Quote:
I think its nice to see an extended family living together just like I think its great to see a mother spending time with thier children.


so why the bashing?


To show you that its hypicritical. I have a feeling that your great great grandmother also didn't send her kids to daycare at 9 months either worried that they would be spoiled.


Oh. I get it now. Although I don't really see a link in my culture, actually kids stay rather long at their parents, but those who are sent out at 3 are LUCKY. I was sent out half day, at 3. I was an exception in the school.
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Ruchel








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 3:26 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Quote:
Hmmm...and I wonder why the birth rate in Europe is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down. Except for the Muslim part of the population.


ur right Sad
But actually the problem is much "less worse" in France, because of social laws. That tells you the state of things in the other countries Sad



Quote:
And actually it's better to have playdates in the house than send kids out of the house


I agree, but where do I find them? kids around my dd's age, not many around here? and with non working mommies that can come and stay?
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Helani








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 3:36 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
I pressed anonymous in my previous post by accident. I had that problem with setting up playdates until we moved to our current location. How far is the nearest frum community from you? Maybe you could find somebody who is similar to you in parenting philosophy and travel there to playdates once a week. It's also always nice to have support of somebody who thinks the way you do.
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Ruchel








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 3:42 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
My town's community is Orthodox, the people are traditional to MO. Few children of my daughter's age, and most mothers work - as far as I have been able to ask, all kids are in daycare...
Maybe among very very frum people I could find mothers like me, not like 10 years older. But how to meet one? it would be weird to hang around somewhere and start talking to mothers and finally ask for playdates... so annoying...
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Helani








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 3:53 pm       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
The age of the mother doesn't matter, it's the age of the kids (same as yours) and her basic outlook on life. I frequently make playdates for my kids with a mother of a large family, because her three youngest are same age and genders as my kids so it's convenient. I think a nice resource would be a rebetzin of a shul that has mom's with young kids. She could be the one to introduce you to appropriate ladies.
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greenfire








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 4:07 pm       Post subject: Re: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
GR wrote:
Ruchel, when you think ahead of how many years your daughter will be out of the house for hours and hours a day, you can realize that she is so little now and there is really no reason in the entire world why you should send her away at 10 months.

There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter she's beautiful all the time. I'm sure she is. Keep telling her. Wink Just don't spoil her. That means, you don't let her get her way every time she wants something. Teach her right and wrong.

There will be time enough to send her for her independence in a few years. I don't see anything wrong with a child surrounded by loving parents and grandparents. It used to be that everyone lived together and I don't see anything wrong with that as long as everyone's happy doing so- on the contrary, I think there are many benefits.

As an only child you can understand that just because you are always being doted on by adults doesn't mean you'll turn into a spoiled brat.


Decide for yourself, at what age are you comfortable leaving your child in someone else's care, and work backwards from there. Explain your reasons to your husband and parents, and I'm sure they'll see your point. Maybe set aside some time each day to work on your thesis, to make your father (and yourself) happy.

Good Luck.


I agree with GR ...

btw there are many americans who live "all in the family" style

my son would scream whenever I left - and believe me it wasn't cause he was spoiled or neglected ... sometimes you still have to go out and be a couple - or for important appts ...

otherwise really I do NOT think there is such a thing as coddling too much ... that is what we are there for ... to give security, self-esteem, and unconditional love to our babies - no matter how big or small they are ...

as for a SAHM - how about to feed them proper breakfasts & get the kids off to school, to be there when they get home, help them with homework, have a warm dinner ready ... some families can do this ... and other families need to do this ... even for school aged children who are not home all day ...

Ruchel you sound loving and nurturing ... there is always a balance in attachment ... you cannot love a kid too much (spoil maybe Wink ) - you don't need a therapist for not wanting strangers to ignore your baby ... keep doing what you are doing and ignore these demands others are trying to force on you and the little princess ...
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Ruchel








Post Posted: Wed, Jan 16 2008, 4:10 pm       Post subject: Re: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Helani wrote:
The age of the mother doesn't matter, it's the age of the kids (same as yours) and her basic outlook on life. I frequently make playdates for my kids with a mother of a large family, because her three youngest are same age and genders as my kids so it's convenient. I think a nice resource would be a rebetzin of a shul that has mom's with young kids. She could be the one to introduce you to appropriate ladies.


other problem, most communities around are small. No rabbi, so no rebetzin.
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GAMZu








Post Posted: Thu, Jan 17 2008, 12:27 am       Post subject:
Quote:
but she says at least I must go with her to a "mommy and me" type thing, so she starts seeing other people and being less clingy and spoiled.

I think going to a Mommy-n-Me is a wonderful idea!
It will benefit the both of you. You will get to spend time with other adults and your daughter will get to interact and play.
Quote:
apparently my fear to leave dd alone in a daycare is bordering on not normal, and "I may need therapy" because I'm too attached and so is dd

Apparently, your fear of leaving your daughter alone in a daycare is very well founded. Remember Breslov's thread about the abusive and negligent day care? I have also gone to work in "the best daycare in town" and was let go after the fist day because they saw my horrified reaction and got scared.
Good for you for being attached, and even better for your daughter.

About writing your thesis... For me it would be a dream come true to be able to do it from home. But I also think it will be good if you can leave Mati with your husband or parents once in a while to write from the university. Leaving with a family member is not called "leaving." And I imagine you'd be able to focus better if you write from the University. I would do 20% of my writing there if I had family members watching my baby.


Quote:
I’m afraid people will not understand what she wants (not that I always do, but in the end I always find it), or take the pain to try to understand. And since she can’t talk she can’t tell me how it went. And I’m afraid of other kids hitting her.


Very valid concern. There was a time in my first son's life that it looked like I'd have to send him to a babysitter for about a month. DH was with him while I worked. But then DH got a job, one month before I was due with baby #2. So we were going to send my 21 month old to a friend.
I made a list - !!6 pages long!! of his routine, things he likes and doesn't, and a 'dictionary.' I made 3 columns. One for the way he pronounces the word, one for what the word means, and the 3rd column was the English translation because we speak Yiddish.
So the babysitter should understand him, and be able to tell him the word in a way he'll understand.
(We never ended up bringing him to the babysitter because we both got really sick, and then I gave birth...)
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gryp








Post Posted: Thu, Jan 17 2008, 8:47 am       Post subject: re: DD "needs" non mommy time
Quote:
I’m afraid people will not understand what she wants (not that I always do, but in the end I always find it), or take the pain to try to understand. And since she can’t talk she can’t tell me how it went. And I’m afraid of other kids hitting her.

Of course, Ruchel.
That's a major reason why I don't want even well-meaning people to watch my kids. Only if my kids know them very well, and they know my kids very well. And I know they love my kids and will care for them well. That leaves my mil. Smile
I would trust good friends too, in an emergency.
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