What to tell the grandchildren?

amother

Brown

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 5:55 am

My kids get big Chanukah gifts from one set of grandparents and a couple of dollars Chanukah gelt from the other set and it doesn't make them like one set of grandparents any more or less. It's just a matter of fact how things are done on either side.

Please try not to feel bad about it - I know it's easy to say it.....

As a side note my MIL gave each family member a scratch off lotto last year it was cute and some did win $.

mha3484

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 7:25 am

My side of the family does give gifts for channukah and birthdays its their cultural norm and they can bh afford it. My kids know they are allowed to ask for one or two toys within reason and there is no guarantee they will get what they ask for.

My in laws are the opposite they dont give gifts and cant afford to even if they wanted to. My kids would never dream of asking. It comes from us the parents. OP your kids need to talk to their kids about appropriate boundaries or this will just get worse with time.

amother

↑ Black

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 7:27 am

DVOM wrote:

Seriously?

Hopefully next year op will have the means to fund the gifts herself.

But if she doesn't it's not a reason not to accept help this year.

But she said this has been an issue for years. If someone knows that giving chanuka gifts is always below their means, they should make peace with the situation & this is their standard of living instead of taking tzedaka for chanuka gifts for grandchildren on a yearly basis. The parents of the grandchildren should teach the kids that we don't ask for gifts.
There are plenty of grandparents that don't give gifts and it's our job to teach raise our children without an entitled attitude instead of having our parents take tzedaka to be able to give grandchildren gifts.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 7:35 am

OP, this is so, so painful. It sounds like you are such a giving person!! May Hashem bentch you to give and give.
Alternatively, my mother in law (who is very financially comfortable) once gave me a massive lecture when my young son, around age 8 or 9 (who was struggling tremendously at the time and who had recently at that time gone through Gehinom- B'H he's doing much better now), innocently asked her "Babi, what will you get me for my birthday?" Boy, did she give it to me over the head!! I was so, so hurt, like here is my child who is suffering (and she knew about what was going on with him), and instead of responding to him with love, she asked him to give the phone to his mother (so she could lecture me)
I later asked a therapist if my child's behavior is normal about asking for gifts and she said it is totally fine and normal for young children to innocently ask about presents!! it's healthy!!
so I would prefer my children to have a grandmother like you, who in your heart, you want to give, it's not the material value that matters, you can give a little dollar store prize with a cute note connecting the prize to the child (a smiley face keychain and how the child brings cheer into your life).
I think if your young grandchild asks, just smile and say, "I have a little surprise for you...." and give a little cookie with a keychain and a card....they will love it.
Or you can give certificates:
Supper with Grandma
Nature Walk with Grandma
Bake cookies with Grandma
Paint with Grandma
Shabbos with Grandma
Sleepover/Pajama party with hot cocoa with Grandma
Your love, time and care for them is the biggest gift!!

southernbubby ↓

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 8:01 am

I like the ideas in the thread for the giving of cheaper gifts or the utilization of activities in lieu of gifts but I think that the idea here is that the children and grandchildren are unaware of the financial situation and the grandparents don't know how to explain it. I don't think that the parents of these kids would allow their kids to ask for gifts if they were aware of the situation.
For whatever it's worth, there have been numerous threads on how to explain poverty or financial limitations to children. The best way seems to be "Bubby can't buy it right now but maybe another time" and the least preferred way is use the phrase "we can't afford it." In the middle is a response that there are better uses for the money that will make us happier in the long run.
The grocery stores have cheap packaged Chanukah tchotchkes and maybe that with some homemade latkes is better than nothing unless there isn't even money for that.

amother

Honeydew ↓

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 8:07 am

OP, I feel for you.
I'd totally take mommy2b3c up on her offer.
But don't think about the other grandparents. I never do. I just follow a family minhag from one side to give a small bill (very small bill, but not the smallest) to each grandchild. And then give gifts other times. Maybe you can establish this kind of precedent from you side. If you need more, than maybe something from dollar stores or 5 Below. (Again, pm mommy.)
Hugs!

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 8:08 am

amother [ Black ] wrote:

I think you're both right. But I still say, send $5 per child. (I just realized I went amother, I can say what the small bill is lol.)
BTW about experiences, those can cost more.

↑ behappy2

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 8:13 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

I think you're both right. But I still say, send $5 per child. (I just realized I went amother, I can say what the small bill is lol.)
BTW about experiences, those can cost more.

Take them to the park

Bake a cake together

Have a sleepover

Invite them for a meal

Play a game with them

These are things she may be able to do and may be doing anyways

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 9:57 am

OP, I know how hard this is. I'm in the same situation. It hurts to not be able to give to your children and grandchildren. It HURTS. No one should know this feeling.

My grandkids other bubby give generously bH and I'm so happy they at least get from the other set of grandparents. I hardly give because I can't. I would NEVER take tzedaka for this. I'm already on the receiving end of food packages. That's enough. But I can tell you my grand kids like me just as much as the other bubby and anyways I absolutely don't compare. I give them all my love, I babysit them and play with them (not as a gift).

I think if my grandkids would ask me for a gift then I would tell them. "I don't have gifts but I do love you so much! Wanna play a game?.." and I would tell them "I think your other bubby WILL get you a gift. Yay, I'm so happy you're gonna get a gift!!"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:56 am

First I want to say a big thank you to mommy3b2c. You have such a big heart and so so generous.
You should be bentched to be able to continue to do so much chesed that you do and inspire others to do the same.
But thank you but I dont feel comfortable taking.

Most of my grandchildren dont live local so its hard to do something with them.
They might come for shabbos so maybe we will have time to bake cookies toghther.
My kids didnt know that their kids asked for gifts if they would know they would of said something to them and I am not saying a word about it.

The dollar store is good for the little ones but not much for the older ones.

I daven that every year I would be in a better financial place than the previous year...Im still davening.

keym

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 11:59 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How old are the older ones?
Girls or boys?
Teens love the dollar store. Maybe we can help think of some great stuff.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 12:10 pm

keym wrote:

How old are the older ones?
Girls or boys?
Teens love the dollar store. Maybe we can help think of some great stuff.

Maybe my dollar store is not a good one.
I do take them there for chol hamoaid and they cant seem to find much.
Talking boys and girls to age 12

doodlesmom

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How about a scratch off lottery ticket for everyone?
Potential.....and fun......

Just One

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:52 pm

Growing up one set of grandparents gave very generous Chanukah gifts. From the other side we got nothing save for a trinket sometimes (think a page of stickers, a small flashlight, a light up ball etc). I honestly never thought to compare the two until I read through this thread.
One set of grandparents ate potatoes by karpas, the other did radishes. One side did a full milchig meal on Shavuos the other did milchig + fleishig. And one side gave gifts on Chanukah while the other did not.
It was never something I questioned. It was what it was, a fact of life.
As much as we appreciated those gifts they didn't cause us to love one more than the other. It was the grandparents whose house was always full of laughter, good cheer and warmth that we wanted to be with.

amother

Slategray

Wed, Dec 02 2020, 4:59 pm

Although it’s hard to tell someone with no money to try their best, my in laws didn’t gift my children for major life events (maybe because they didn’t want to get something cheap, and didn’t want to or couldn’t afford more) and it definitely left a sour taste in my kids mouths.

Rather give something basic and show you think about them, than not at all.