Living very sheltered. How would you explain this?

amother

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 7:01 pm

My dh identical twin brother lives out of town and we only get to see him and his family 3-4 times a year. During covid only once last year. Sometimes he doesn't bring anyone and my kids ask me who they left home. Each time we see him its usually at parties or weddings where there a lot of other people so my dd's are only starting to get to know him and his family. Anyway as they get older they relizw that his wife his not in my wedding video or his kids. Dds are 8and 9yrs. Both very anxious kids. And I never told them that their uncle divorced and remaried when they were young there children is really her children and his kids live with his ex. He is super religious super frum and his ex stopped wearing a wig and looks like a secular jew. Her oldest bar mitzvah is coming up and there is a possibility that his own children will be there. Should I my kids skip it or should I tell my dds about their cousins. The 8 yr old doesn't have the best social skills and I'm afraid she will look at their family very differently if I tell her. Plus there is the issue of how religiously they became so different. Or think we could just change like that And also My bil looks so like my dh my kids shouldn't think were getting divorced next. As you see my dd's live very sheltered and innocent.

amother

Plum

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 7:06 pm

I’m no professional but by not telling them for this long, you created an unnecessary secret... so now they’re going to think when u tell them that it’s a much bigger deal that it is. Sit them down, explain everything to them. Use a casual tone of voice and reassure them that your marriage is just fine. You can start out the conversation saying that now you’re old enough to understand and we have a bar mitzvah coming up etc...

amother

Violet

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 8:09 pm

I think you need to figure out a way to tell your kids. Don’t give them false information or more Info than they can process on their level. Like you don’t have to go into why he got divorced. Your children should know their cousins and they will find out eventually. If they find out from
Somewhere else they may feel betrayed or tricked by you, and if these cousins are not as frum as your sheltered children you will want to provide the answers to questions that come
Up with this ‘discovery’ rather then your kids making assumptions or getting answers from
Other people.

Learning

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 8:26 pm

You need to tell your children. I’m sure they heard about the concept of divorce already. There is no reason they would think that you will get divorce even if it’s a twin brother. If the bar mitzva will have non frum cousins and your children are sheltered you might want to go by yourselves and not bring your children to the bat mitzva because of bad influence.

crust

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 8:46 pm

Tell them what you told us.
They divorced.
She is religious but not like us.
He remarried.
The children aren't his.
He has children but they are with her
We aren't divorcing.
If his ex wife is on your wedding pictures I would tell them who it is so it does not feel so alien.

(Of course less robotic than the way I just put it but you get the gist)

If your child is socially off then it is even more important to teach her how to react in situations like these.

My kids grow up in a sheltered home as well but I find it important to fill them in on certain family/community news because I believe it is an essential part of chinuch to teach them;
- how to react
- what is appropriate to ask and
- what is a tactless comment to make in such a case.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:12 pm

I have relatives that were once upon a time frummer than they are now. In the beginning I had to explain to my kids that even though these relatives and children look different than us, they're still religious but in their own way and that's ok. They asked a million questions and I answered honestly but on their level. Fast forward to a few years later and my kids don't bat an eyelash anymore especially since they became even less religious.
OP, you gotta tell your kids and encourage all questions so there's no elephant in the room.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:25 pm

This is only a big deal because you have made it into one. Just tell the kids that he was married to someone else before, and his children and former wife will be there. They might dress differently than we do. The end.

It's not reasonable to pretend that divorce doesn't happen, or that everyone is exactly the same.

Scotty

Tue, Dec 15 2020, 9:53 pm

Remember to tell them that divorce has Halachos too and is part of the Torah, that Hashem created it as part of His world ans it’s sad but not a secret or a bad thing. Being sheltered has nothing to do with not knowing about things like divorce or frumkeit levels - in fact the MORE things you tell them instead of them having to “figure it out” from who know where, the more insular you can keep it! The ONLY way uou will control what they know is by teaching them about it in your way now - they WILL learn about these concepts in life, better to put your Torah spin on it now!!