Asking advice | Imamother

amother

Mon, Sep 26 2005, 5:47 pm

From reading on here I see it's a common thing it seems like in the Lubavitch world to have a mashpia (I assume that because I've never heard of it elsewhere). What about someone who does not have a mashpia. Who do you ask advice from? My biggest problem is the people who I trust and usually ask advice from may not have had the same experience or know what it's like to be in a certain situation so I feel like how can they help me. For example, if someone is dealing with infertility, why would they ask what to do from someone who has many children and had them right away. Or if someone was dealing with illness in themselves or a family member, why is it helpful to explain pains or frustrations to someone who never dealt with that. It's hard to understand someone's feelings until you've been in the same situation. If you don't know someone who has dealt with that situation then it leaves no one to talk to. So how do you ever feel like you have someone who can help you if no one has been through every life situation?

613

Mon, Sep 26 2005, 5:53 pm

imamother.com: the answer to ALL your problems! Very Happy

personally, I speak to different people about different things. if I know A has experience in a certain sitch. that I'm going thru, then I'll speak to her. but in a diff. situation I'll speak to B, who may have experience there.

Motek

Mon, Sep 26 2005, 6:06 pm

If you want advice about infertility, shouldn't you approach infertility experts in the field and a rav to guide you with the halachic questions?

Ditto for an illness.

Unless you're talking about emotional support, in which case a mashpia is not necessarily the person to turn to.

A mashpia is a person with whom you are supposed to discuss your avodas Hashem. So yes, since infertility or an illness affect your spiritual life, it's appropriate to speak to a mashpia about it. But for advice on what to do, doctors, treatments etc. you speak to experts.

carrot

Mon, Sep 26 2005, 8:52 pm

Motek wrote:

Unless you're talking about emotional support, in which case a mashpia is not necessarily the person to turn to.

A mashpia is a person with whom you are supposed to discuss your avodas Hashem.

I always wondered this. Is a Mashpia supposed to be someone that you can turn to for emotional support, or is it supposed to be a more cold, dry, get to the point relationship? Because often I see Mashpias acting like shrinks and I always wondered if that was what the Rebbe meant...

jewgal84

Tue, Sep 27 2005, 11:29 am

Quote:

A mashpia is a consultant.

It's having an outsider see your life and they can pinpoint diff things. You can choose your own solutions to your problems and they can be there for you both emotional and spiritual support. S/he will not advise you to do things you don't want to do, rather see what may fit your challenge.

You choose your mashpia so you can decide what type of relationship you need with her/him.

Woman to woman, man to man.

The mashpias you see acting like shrinks are your own? Why would you choose someone to support you who will give you a cool, dry, get to the point relationship?

carrot

Tue, Sep 27 2005, 1:08 pm

jewgal84 wrote:

Quote:

No, I was not talking about my own Mashpia but my observations from hearing others talk about theirs. I don't have a Mashpia. In part because I really don't get how this relationship works. For one thing, I don't understand how the emotional part (warm, supportive, mentor) and the spiritual part (cool, distant, "outsider", "consultant") are part of the same relationship. I also don't understand how you can just go up to someone and ask them to be your mashpia. Don't these sort of relationships generally have to develop naturally?

jewgal84

Tue, Sep 27 2005, 1:30 pm

Quote:

For one thing, I don't understand how the emotional part (warm, supportive, mentor) and the spiritual part (cool, distant, "outsider", "consultant") are part of the same relationship.

I don't understand your question, can you not be a lovable, warm and friendly person and at the same time, be consulting, direct and suggestive?

Quote:

I also don't understand how you can just go up to someone and ask them to be your mashpia. Don't these sort of relationships generally have to develop naturally?

Some ppl don't feel embarassed to ask their role models/ someone to look up to as their mashpia, while others take their time in finding one.

There are no rules in how or where in finding one, aside from woman to woman and man to man.

I would think you may want to ask someone you feel comfortable with for emotional problems and as far as halacha, someone who knows it.

You can find someone as well who can qualify as both.

And it's not only a Lubavitch Custom, it says straight out in Pierkei Avos, "aseh l'cha rav".

Tue, Oct 11 2005, 8:36 pm

I'm not Lubavitch...I always understood mashpia as a confidant or someone with more experience/who knows more Torah with whom you feel comfortable.....it could be a Rav, a Rebetzin or even an older friend....mashpia literally means someone who has hashpaa on you - effect (?), so I don't believe it's an exclusively Lubavitch idea.

And I also agree with 613, that there are different people to whom you go with different dilemmas/questions. If it's a psak halacha or eitza you go to a Rav (someone who knows you and understands all the intricacies of your situation), if it's something like sickness etc you go to a person with those life experiences who you trust to have the right perspective on things etc

Fulloflove

Wed, Oct 19 2005, 11:25 pm

you have a very valid question and it makes sense what you say. One thing that I feel does work is those ppl. who you speak to might know of someone else for you to talk to who is or was in a similar sitch. personally a friend encouraged me to get a mashpia and I finally found one that I like. Not easy but well worth it. Good luck!