Did your difficult children get easier as teens/adults

amother

Ginger

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:47 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

Unfortunately, they did not improve greatly.

On the surface DS behavior is better but it's only superficial. When things don't go his way all the bad behaviors return.

DD has impulse control issues which have continued.

They are both in their 20s.

This is after intensive therapy.

Teary Eyed

I have an older brother with mental illness. has had years of therapy, psych appointments... and only now in his early forties are we seeing improvement that we never dared to dream of. still a very long way to go but gives me hope.

amother

PlumPink

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:33 am

amother Diamond wrote:

I was the impossible kid... Banging head

My mother always says it makes her calmer raising my younger siblings because she see's how I turned out ok in the end LOL

I was a impossible, didn't listen to a word, tortured my siblings and parents, yelled and screamed about everything. Obviously work went into it, but also I grew up...

(married with kids now for ref)

My 7 yo dd made my 3 yo ds cry 500 times this morning. She physically attacked him multiple times. She makes the 9 mo cry just by coming into close proximity to her. And she sent the 9 yo yelling and screaming in frustration.
We shower her with gifts, hugs kisses, trips quality time. She's never ever happy. She's always looking what her siblings have and noone is allowed to look at her he wrong way or breath the wrong air around her. But she's allowed to do whatever she wants to everyone.
One example, she left her stuff out, 3 yo brother colored a drop on in. Like one line. I know it was precious to her.
She got angry and kicked him HARD in the stomach. He ran yelping that he needs to vomit. I'm actually concerned she shouldn't have injured him and watching him and kept him home from school today. Then she demanded that I punish the 3 yo again cuz he colored on her paper. When I told her he got waaay more than he ever ever can deserve she threatened to hurt him more and threw a massive tantrum. I made her stay in her room until dh was around so there are 2 of us to mitigate any upcoming situations. I hate sending to the room it sends the wrong message but there was no choice. It was literally skanas nefashos.
More than once she's done stuff that we needed hatzulah. Once it turned out not to be anything serious another time her older sister needed 13 stiches on her face....
In school she's well behaved controls herself although last year there was one small incident. She's extremely bright and scores all A easily. Without much or any effort.
I'm actually a bit concerned about what to do.
We've tried a million things. And I'm fighting to get her therapy. The clinics here don't accept my insurance. And the shool is dragging their feet.
I cannot afford 250 weekly (what the child therapists want here)...
But my other kids behaviur improved greatly by us implementing many of these techniques that didn't work for her. And are much happier and well behaved. Although still on a journey.

Please tell she'll be ok one day.

amother

Diamond

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:38 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Can I ask you a blunt question? Feel free to ignore me if you don’t want to answer.

Are you still a more “intense” personality? Did it affect your social circle or shalom bayis?
I’m asking from worry for my children’s future…

My biggest fear once I was older was how would I act towards my husband. Once I was mature that was an active goal that I worked on and work on still everyday. but BH we're great. I'm definitely a personality, but I've learned to channel it right.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:53 am

amother PlumPink wrote:

The only thing that worked for my very difficult son who was somewhat similar was my interacting with him in a way similar to The Nurtured Heart approach

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 11:07 am

amother OP wrote:

My children ages 9, 7, 4 are very intense and difficult at home. Lots of yelling, fighting, not listening... It's completely exhausting mentally and physically. They are perfect in school BH! I am wondering if any of you Imas had children like this who have now grown up and are teenagers or older. Is there hope that they will get easier when older? Or is it likely that their personalities will stay the same....?

Yes, yes, yes.
The basic personalities stay the same but they mature and they get along better.
I also had that with kids being angels in school and difficult at home. I was told that that is just fine. It's bad when they act out at school (more worrying, I mean)!

I am getting alot of nachas from my 3 kids who used to fight like......... One threw a chair at his sister once and I was afraid he was violent lol. He turned into a very caring and compassionate guy.
Once, two of them were fighting and one of them broke a finger. I was so embarrassed at the ER.
Lots of water under the bridge and now they are great friends!!!

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 11:19 am

amother OP wrote:

The goal of chinuch is to teach self control.

Your children CAN control themselves, as they behave in school.

They realize that misbehaving in school can have consequences
(expelled, not accepted in seminary/top yeshiva, loss of friends) so they behave.

At home there are no consequences to misbehavior, so they don't control themselves.

There should be serious consequences for "not listening" to parents.

It also shows a serious lack of good middos - no Hakoras HaTov,

as well as, no Yiras Hashem

This is caused by Modern Parenting - Not teaching children when they are in pre-school
that "not listening" to parents has serious consequences, and is a serious Aveirah.

Yes, there are some children who are naturally compliant, even without strictness

but there are many, many others who will not be able to manage their anger
if not taught in early childhood - they often get worse as they grow older.

They are at high risk for divorce.

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 11:42 am

My oldest is 12 and on the spectrum and does seem to be getting easier. Like I no longer have to fight him on hygiene stuff because he came to the radical conclusion on his own that kids who are not on top of hygiene don't have friends. He also is slowly coming around to the idea that he really does feel better when he follows a strict routine and has been more on top of his personal routines without needing to be nagged.

I will say, I had some friends growing up who were clearly "difficult children" and for how they turned out as adults, well, some came out came out just fine and some really didn't and struggle tremendouly to function in the world even now. But I don't know enough details of their lives to know why Chani turned out one way and Suri turned out differently. I don't know what, if any, diagnoses they had/have, what parents tried or didn't try etc. But it really can go either way. I wouldn't be complacent that they will just grow out if it or that there is some magic solution out their that will be the answer, but neither would I despair of ever figuring things out either.

amother

Peru

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 3:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

My most difficult child (terrible twos, tantrums etc) became the kindest, most independent, helpful, giving, amazing grades, high-schooler.