18 yr old dd so unmotivated

amother

Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:54 pm

How to get her to do more? She’s not interested in therapy and I can’t force her. She’s graduating and she says she’s going to work. I have told her numerous times if she wants to be living at home she must get a job and not clutz around all day. Today I asked her to help make bourekas and she did half then said she’s too tired. Ummmm why not finish it? She didn’t do anything the whole day in fact she was in her room and didn’t come down till 330 today. She doesn’t initiate hanging out with friends or doing really anything. I’m so burnt out from her. And she always demands things like clothing, makeup, new accessories for her room. I told her she has plenty if she wants more she going to have to show her face and be around more and help me out. What am I doing wrong? Is there anything I can do to motivate her? She sounds depressed to me but like I said I can’t force her to go for help at this age

amother

Viola

Fri, Mar 31 2023, 2:10 pm

She does sound depressed, but I would have a physical exam/blood work done to make sure her thyroid is working properly.
There seems to be a trend in this age group, the girls feel overworked from school and they don't want to get jobs or think about college/ marriage. There was a chinuch event a few months ago for mothers of H.S. girls, and this was one of the issues they brought up.
Hatzlocha and yeshuos.

amother

Orange

Fri, Mar 31 2023, 2:29 pm

I have a boy like this. Very unmotivated. He is currently living at home because of some medical issues, and I've foudn that approaching him about this kind of stuff is basically damaging to our relationship. I found that the old "weatherman" approach works best. Meaning, I tell him what my expectations are as if I am telling him the weather. No drama, no emotion.

Here are my expectations:
show up to davening and seder
help at home (minimal- set the table for dinner, peel potatoes for shabbos, etc) I give him set jobs on a regular basis so he doesn't feel like he is "on call" (this is a tip I learned from Sarah Chana Radcliffe's email list).
work on his GED program (my husband and I check up on him that he does that- he should be in 12th grade but had to leave because of medical issues).
If he is not doing things, then we can't help him with things he "needs" (ie- extras Smile

)

In addition, we found it very helpful to give him some "adult" responsibilities. For example, he is responsible for making his own dentist, dermatologist appointments. If he needs to go to the cell phone store, dry cleaner, etc... he needs to figure it out on his own. This has started to make a difference in other areas, too.

hatzlacha!

amother

PlumPink

Fri, Mar 31 2023, 2:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

An 18 year old shouldn't be demanding anything. She should be paying for things herself. And getting herself a job to fund her desires. When I was 18 I paid for everything on my own. It would never have occurred to me to ask my parents for money for stuff.

amother

DarkPurple

Fri, Mar 31 2023, 6:55 pm

I second with the poster who said a physical exam and bloodwork. I was about 18 when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. She could be low in certain vitamins too.
Another idea is if she wouldn’t want to speak to anyone maybe you can speak to a therapist to get some tools how to help.

rachelli66

Sat, Apr 01 2023, 11:08 am

Is your daughter in High school and has vacation now? After Seminary? It could be she needs a break. Yes she does need to help in the home but maybe she doesn't need to go out with friends. About earning, you need to sit with her and tell her what you expect from her. If she has tests and is in High school, maybe she can get a job near the home. If she is finished with school she should be working full time.