Punishment for taking stuff without permission

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 02 2023, 10:24 am

From when my kids are little, I try to talk to them about the other person's perspective. E.g. "you're taking the last cookie. What about your brother/sister? They didn't get one yet and they'll be so sad. Do you remember a time when there was nothing left for you, and how you felt?" Or "look, your sister/brother worked so hard to straighten up this room! How do you think it will feel for them to come back and find all their hours of work completely undone?"
It doesn't work in two seconds, and kids will always be kids, but I think talking this way consistently over many years does at least open their mindset somewhat to think of others.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 02 2023, 10:32 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks everyone. There is plenty of positivity in the house. It's impulse and lack of control. I probably blew it out of proportion this morning (even though I was super calm) but it's an ongoing issue with any treat or specific snack that he likes. He just takes way more than his share.

I am.hoping he will learn his lesson and realize that he needs to think of others and not take the whole thing next time.

FWIW I don't think you blew it out of proportion, I would be pretty upset too. It's always easy to sound calm and philosophical when we're advising someone else...

mom24b

Tue, May 09 2023, 1:13 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

You need to teach him that it's not okay. The next time there's a treat for everyone, he can't have it, because he took away everyone else's treat. Or, if he has his own money and is old enough, you can have him go to the store and buy another container of gum for everyone.

Basically, come from a perspective of him being responsibie for his actions and punish accordingly.

You can also have a talk with him about why he feels entitled to take things without permission.

If he has low impulse control and/or difficulty delaying gratification (almost always the case with ADHD and/or weak executive functioning skills) you can NOT punish. It won’t do anything to help him “learn a lesson” . He can’t learn a lesson until you’re sure he has the skills to manage your expectations. In general I don’t really agree with punishing. Punishing doesn’t teach a child the lesson you think you’re teaching. Punishments teach children parents are unfair, the parent doesn’t understand them and they need to become more “skilled” in getting their needs (think lying, stealing, bullying…) . It can also teach the child they are a horrible, rotten being. Non of these “lessons” will help him do better. I can almost guarantee it will cause him to become worse. Get curious about WHY he took it all. Is he scared to ask for more because he fears he won’t get what he feels his needs? Have you armed him with the proper tools to deal with disappointment and practiced those skills enough to know he can manage the disappointment of being told he can’t have more? Until you are sure you have given him all the necessary skills of - delaying gratification, impulse control, dealing with disappointment … the better question into ask yourself is not what punishment but what skills do you need to focus on ti help him be able to control himself. Punishments don’t teach the skill he is lacking. It’s not enough to say “he knows he can’t “. Don’t you ever know you shouldn’t really eat that last piece of cake- yet you do? Or you shouldn’t really say something that you do say… I wouldn’t think in terms of punishing or consequences I would think in terms of needing more help strengthening the necessary skills. I suggest when you are calm and no longer upset having a very loving, calm , non judgmental conversation. Start by saying “I went to the cabinet to give the other kids gum to take to school and I noticed you had taken the whole thing “. (And then ask out of true desire to learn ,not out of anger. ) Where you scared I wouldn’t let you take more and you really felt you needed more? Does it help you concentrate better in school? Do all your friends bring a lot of nosh and you also wanted to finally have a lot to bring? Think about all the possibilities and tell him your not going to punish him you truly want to know why he did it so you can help him feel safer in voicing his needs and know you won’t get upset. It’s true even if he asks you might have to say no because the other kids needed and that would be disappointing but maybe you can help him think of something else he could bring and even if he’s upset or gets angry it’s ok you will help him through it….