Would you allow 18 year old dd to board with her uncle?

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:27 am

amother Snowdrop wrote:

Yes, it's her grandparents. But there's also a 22 year male in the house. Even if it's her uncle and the thought is revolting, no one plans to do inappropriate things. I'd say it's ok for a sleepover or several nights, but not for an entire year.
It's absolutely NOT like an older brother, especially if they don't see each other's often. It's almost like a stranger.

And what happens when they want to have friends over?

amother

Currant

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:43 am

If he's home full time, no way. If he's away somewhere in yeshiva and comes home weekends I would be ok with that.

NechaMom

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:46 am

amother OP wrote:

My dd will be going to seminary next year IYH. It's a sem in the US, not near where we live, but near my in-laws. So my in-laws assume she will be living with them next year. The school has a dorm, but it is full, so she can't stay there.

The problem is, my in-laws have a 22 year old single son living at home. Dd and her uncle would be sleeping in rooms next door to each other and sharing a bathroom. My in-laws have their own bathroom in their room down the hall. Would you be okay with that?

Hard no. Would your DD even want? What happens if the grandparents have a simcha at night? So many awkward situations possible I wouldn’t consider it for one second.

amother

Black

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:53 am

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 9:54 am

[quote
Besides, if the 18 yo and her 22 yo cousin have a problem together it wouldnt matter if they are living in the same home or not. My daughters friend started a relationship with her male first cousin (who lived 40 minutes drive away) that rocked both their families for a short while but baruch Hashem died down.
[/quote]

No reason to conclude that in this case.

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 10:22 am

I wouldn't even allow this if he were a half-brother who wasn't raised in the same home as DD.

tichellady

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 10:32 am

what does she want?

amother

Marigold

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:09 pm

We had the same situation - niece and uncle living with uncle's parents (her grandparents). But the niece was on her own floor with her own bathroom. They still ended up with some awkward situations and the grandparents were not happy with the arrangements, so they had to stop it.

amother

Ultramarine

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:13 pm

Are you all so convinced that incest is likely to occur?

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:17 pm

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Are you all so convinced that incest is likely to occur?

No one can be convinced of anything. That's why we need boundaries.

amother

Silver

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:21 pm

Let’s say best case scenario- your DD and her uncle are both totally appropriate with each other the whole time and have a great familial relationship. Good for them let’s not jump to extremes.

I still think the living situation you described is very awkward and I’d feel bad for your daughter (and BIL, for that matter!)

I’d lean pretty hard against it

Iymnok

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:29 pm

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Are you all so convinced that incest is likely to occur?

It wouldn't be incest. According to halacha they could marry. Yichud is assur. If grandpa goes out to learn and grandma goes shopping or to a simcha, then they are in a yichud situation. The time for yichud may be shorter since they have familiarity .

Would either if them want to bring friends over?

Ema of 5

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:30 pm

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

If she didnt "ask a Rav" then she shouldnt say that. Its not so clear cut that a Rav would give such a psak unless there are circumstanced not included in the post.
My husband looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned the OP question, There is no inherent yichud here, unless the grandparents leave the two alone. Most likely the girl will spend her free time hanging out at the dorm with her friends.
Dorming in a room by strangers is also risky.
His take on this is that there is a unwritten question on the grandparents abilities to watch over the 18 year old and perhaps the parents are using the 22yo as an excuse. Which is OK and totally valid.
When my grandparents offered to host my children, they allowed them to do things we would never have and this caused a terrible argument. We had asked them ahead of time to respect certain things and after the visit they told us they couldnt stand up to the kids requests and caved.
There is a reason Hashem gave parents the job and not Grandparents.
Grandparents cant be parents.

Besides, if the 18 yo and her 22 yo cousin have a problem together it wouldnt matter if they are living in the same home or not. My daughters friend started a relationship with her male first cousin (who lived 40 minutes drive away) that rocked both their families for a short while but baruch Hashem died down.
It aint easy to be parents but you dont have to hide behind a Psak to say no if you want to reject the grandparents most generous offer.

I’m pretty sure that if she explains the situation as she did here, and her hesitation is clear, and she SAYS she’s hesitant and is looking for the rav to say no, he will say no.
“Hiding behind a psak” as you call it is a good way to keep the peace here. The grandparents obviously don’t see an issue. If they will be hurt or offended if she doesn’t stay with them, saying a rav said no is a good way to avoid a fight.

amother

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 2:49 pm

Thanks everyone! I wanted to show dh that I'm not nuts and not insulting his brother by not allowing the situation. I showed him this thread and now he realizes I am not just being crazy.

NechaMom

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 3:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks everyone! I wanted to show dh that I'm not nuts and not insulting his brother by not allowing the situation. I showed him this thread and now he realizes I am not just being crazy.

Glad to be of help. Smile

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 5:24 pm

Better not to. Have her board elsewhere or find a family.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jun 22 2023, 5:25 pm

just. no.

why take a chance?

ChossidMom

Fri, Jun 23 2023, 11:29 am

Totally inappropriate.