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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:51 pm
My dd will be going to seminary next year IYH. It's a sem in the US, not near where we live, but near my in-laws. So my in-laws assume she will be living with them next year. The school has a dorm, but it is full, so she can't stay there.
The problem is, my in-laws have a 22 year old single son living at home. Dd and her uncle would be sleeping in rooms next door to each other and sharing a bathroom. My in-laws have their own bathroom in their room down the hall. Would you be okay with that?
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amother
Brown
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Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:54 pm
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familyfirst
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Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:56 pm
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amother
Saddlebrown
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Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:56 pm
No.
Hilchos yichud are stricter in these circumstances too because of "libo gas aleha" ie, that they have fond feelings and closeness.
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amother
Ecru
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Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:58 pm
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I would definitely be uncomfortable with that. Sharing a bathroom and adjoining bedrooms would be a no for sure, but living in their house and gaining that comfort and familiarity in a shared space even if they were on different floors would concern me enough to make other arrangements. It’s not that I don’t trust, I just don’t feel it’s a smart/appropriate choice.
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amother
Snowdrop
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Wed, Jun 21 2023, 11:58 pm
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amother
Chambray
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:00 am
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No way. Sounds like a recipe for disaster
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amother
Ballota
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:02 am
NO. Unless you think they can be a good shidduch for each other 
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Rappel
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:08 am
They may be the most solid and sensible people in the world, and be kind and respectful of their granddaughter and niece.
But if there's even a hint of a problem - even just on her side - then the family drama will be huge.
Is it really worth it?
On the other hand, if the dorm is full, then does she have a different safe place to board? Better family than strangers if she's boarding alone.
Maybe, she can take up the spot in your in-laws house along with some other girls for roommate's? Maybe the bathroom arrangement can be changed?
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amother
Begonia
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:24 am
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No, As someone not even raised frum I would have been uncomfortable at 18 to sleep next door to and share a bathroom with a 22 year old uncle/cousin.
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amother
Scarlet
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:29 am
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Wow! Looks like you got your answer.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 12:42 am
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Yes, it looks like I did. Thanks! It is just as I expected.
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mommy3b2c
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:18 am
And I can’t imagine how a girl wouldn’t sleep by her grandparents…🤷♀️
They are her grandparents. I have an uncle a few years older then me. The thought of being s-xual with him is disgusting. It’s like an older brother .
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mommy3b2c
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:19 am
| amother Saddlebrown wrote: | No.
Hilchos yichud are stricter in these circumstances too because of "libo gas aleha" ie, that they have fond feelings and closeness. |
How is yichud relevant here ? They are not living alone .
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LadyGodiva
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:20 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | And I can’t imagine how a girl wouldn’t sleep by her grandparents…🤷♀️
They are her grandparents. I have an uncle a few years older then me. The thought of being s-xual with him is disgusting. It’s like an older brother . |
While I agree with you, there's a difference between having a sleepover by grandparents or going for a holiday, and boarding for an entire school year, and sharing a bathroom with her uncle.
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amother
Powderblue
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:21 am
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Well Sarah Imeniu was Avraham Avinu's niece...
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WhatFor
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:27 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | And I can’t imagine how a girl wouldn’t sleep by her grandparents…🤷♀️
They are her grandparents. I have an uncle a few years older then me. The thought of being s-xual with him is disgusting. It’s like an older brother . |
I agree with you about how could she not stay at grandparents and the thought of being zxual with relatives is revolting.
The weird part is that if they lived overseas all their lives, it's possible they barely know each other, and if that's so, it's like moving into a place at 18 with a relatively strange guy in the next bedroom and you share a bathroom with him. If this is a chareidi family, I could see this entire conversation being a nonstarter. (And I mean chareidi as it's defined in Israel, not how some Orthodox people in the U.S. identify as chareidi.)
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salt
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Thu, Jun 22 2023, 1:32 am
| mommy3b2c wrote: | | How is yichud relevant here ? They are not living alone . |
I assume all the household members go in and out as they please, and there will often be times when the single niece and uncle will be home alone.
It might not be considered halachically yichud if the grandparents could walk in any time, but it would certainly not be ideal in my opinion.
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