"Why are you moving?" The real story

amother

Papaya

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 8:57 am

When I moved (slightly) out of town, I actually thought the opposite- that it would have a warm community feel, where people need each other more and are nice to each other. And they ARE nice... physically I guess? With favors and such.
But also, they are NOT nice. I was excited to move to a block full of heimish neighbors so that my kids and I have company. But omg. The yenta level is awful. They gossip and speculate about everyone, to the point that it's hard to leave the circle because I know they may speak about ME next.
Sometimes I think of moving back in town because being anonymous has its pros...

amother

Olive

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 9:34 am

Lived in both. In town and out of town.
Hashem made yentas, gossips, people who talk. Some more and some less but they're everywhere. Unless you live remotely ie: you're own private farm (not ideal for feum fam life) you will need to interact with others. There is no where where you will be anonymous and lost in the shuffle. Even in big city life you have a block, shul,schools, and neighbors. Your local grocery hosiery and mikva will get to know you if your there consistently. Hashem gave us the mitzva of shimiras Halashon because it is such a common ramant issue-not just out of town.

I don't know if moving to opposite type community will solve gossip issue . You may need to learn how to cope with it, set limits with others ignore or defend self

amother

Coffee

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 9:43 am

Help. I'm so desperate to move OOT because now I live in town and I'm looking for somewhere warm and friendly. My current area, people literally ignore me. Are you all saying that I'm making a mistake?
What size community is this issue most common?

amother

DarkOrange

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 9:50 am

This is such a strange thread; no offense, but it makes me wonder if all of the people who replied just happen to have “socially abnormal “ situations. I’ve lived in out of town communities all my life and never seen or experienced anything like what you’re describing and neither has anyone I know. All of the OOT communities I’ve lived in or have friends in are known for being close-knit and warm. Of course there are ppl who speak LH, unfortunately they’re everywhere. But regularly making up rumors and ruining peoples’ lives?? Never heard of such a thing. I feel bad for you all, but something sounds very off - this is not the reality that most people OOT live in.

amother

Arcticblue

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 11:19 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I'm from OOT from a very small community. Does this happen inarger spaces like Baltimore, Miami, Chicago? Places with more than 200 families?

Yes. I live in a city in that category.

Most people love it here and for many years we loved it too.

mha3484

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 11:27 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I'm from OOT from a very small community. Does this happen inarger spaces like Baltimore, Miami, Chicago? Places with more than 200 families?

I live in a community of over 3000 families. There are too many people to have this level of yentishness.

amother

Lilac

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 12:22 pm

amother Olive wrote:

you are probably have a profile of a person that will never be bullied, disrespected, or stepped on.
count your blessings.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 12:26 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

That’s it. We’re all socially abnormal- despite things being 100% better once we moved. Clearly the problem was us. Thank you for pointing that out to us.

And the hug was just the cherry on top. Wow.

amother

Olive

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 12:27 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

you are probably have a profile of a person that will never be bullied, disrespected, or stepped on.
count your blessings.

Thanks! No I've been bullied stepped on etc. Getting older and learning bh. It's a process

amother

DarkOrange

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 12:37 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

I didn't say the problem was you. I said your situation was socially abnormal. I'm sorry you went through such pain and I'm sincerely happy for you that you were able to leave such a terrible situation, but to paint OOT communities with the same brush of operating in this way is inaccurate. Your situation is bizarre and not normal or typical for any one type of community, let alone OOT.

amother

DarkOrange

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 12:44 pm

To add to this: I find it ironic that you are doing exactly that which you complain of these communities doing to you - creating completely unfounded rumors (about OOT communities) that already in this very thread are having negative consequences - causing people to think badly of OOT and possibly avoid moving there.

amother

Watermelon

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 1:09 pm

As someone who has lived in a smal OOT community all my life, I am so astonished that people have experienced this. I hope it is no one from where I live. I hope this will help me be more self aware and be more friendly to newer people. I'm sorry OP.

amother

Clover

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 1:56 pm

I dont think anyone here complained about oot communities in general. We simply shared painful experiences . I do believe not all oot communities are the same, some might be nicer and more accepting of different types of people. If anyone is thinking of moving oot, this thread should not scare them away, but make them aware of the down side of living in a small community.. And be especially careful to choose a place where they will fit in and not expect to be accepted even if they are a bit different just because oot is supposed to be so warm and welcoming.
If you cant relate, bei am happy for you but please dont bash.

amother

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 2:17 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I'm not generalizing all OOT communities, just speaking to our experience in our OOT community. The point of this thread was to vent, and perhaps spread awareness of the impact speaking about others and their specific situations can have. I felt so alone because I didn't talk to anyone about it aside from my husband and our Rav. The impact is especially pronounced in small communities. In these small OOT communities one has an opportunity to create tremendous change, for the positive or chas v'shalom the negative.

May we be zoche to bring shalom to our selves, our families, and communities and to welcome Moshiach bimheira biyameinu.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 2:45 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Specifically I said my instance was a family member who was quite popular in my OOT community. My treatment at the hands of that person was terrible and then they added gaslighting on top of it. Not to the blame of my community, but unfortunately because the relative behaves themselves in public and is also well respected, it affected my standing in the community. Did not blame all OOT communities or even my own for this- but it is definitely a byproduct of everybody knowing everybody that it affected me so badly. This kind of treatment does not lend itself well to an in town community because people don’t know everybody. And even though the person tried to continue the vilification in my current locale, it didn’t work because nobody knows me here. To be sure, it is socially abnormal, but I am not the abnormal one. I wish that this person would have moved and I was able to stay in my hometown, because again I don’t hate my hometown. I was simply unable to live there.

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 2:53 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I must concur. I live OOT and love it. It IS warm and friendly. We become like family because a lot of us don’t have family living close by. I always have people to schmooze with when I go out, and I’m not a super social person. Yes people know my business more than I would like, but it’s better than nobody knowing anything about me and feeling lonely.

I grew up in town and I find that when you live somewhere where you know everyone, you look at them as who they are and not their externals. But when I’m in town and there are so many people I don’t know, I tend to pay more attention to what they’re wearing or what they look like because that’s all I know about them. (Does that makes sense?)

amother

IndianRed

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 3:02 pm

I live in a town where there’s a family with a ‘story’.

Recently, information was given to me that would be considered toeles. AFTER that, the person proceeded to start talking about the non Toeles aspect and I shut them down.

I believe I really offended the person that was giving me the information. I’m super clear on them rules and am happy they told me the toeles part but can’t understand how they don’t understand the difference.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Sometimes people are behaving stupidly and they don’t have a clue that what they are doing is hurtful.

amother

Mulberry

Sun, Jul 09 2023, 1:03 am

I’m so sorry OP. All these rumors that you mentioned in your first post that people said about you, they told you to your face? How did you find out? This is crazy.
I’m not “typical” which is why I love living out of town, since I don’t fit into the Lakewood/5 towns “standard” and I feel like out of town I blend in better. I’m sorry for all the lashon hara that was spoken about you. How terrible

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Jul 12 2023, 6:14 pm

That was one of the things I disliked but also miss out living in Brooklyn - I could do my own thing, come & go when I liked and no one was following my every move; when & where I went to mikva, shul, shopping. Now living in a smaller neighborhood, I like that I feel part of a community, but it comes along with: Why dont you join our neshei meetings, gathering, chinese auction... (I go to some when I can). I can imagine what the yentas say about when I come & go, what I do & where I vacation etc. I know this because my best friend (from brooklyn) is the biggest yenta here!

OOT living is warm and friendly, but also a lot in other people business. You just have to balance what is right for you. If you cant just ignore all the talk, then join them and correct them.
OP, I'm sorry you have to uproot your family over this but hopefully you will find menuchas hanefesh in your new home.