I disagree with my husband

amother

Purple

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 6:38 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

tell your husband that you want to go together to therapy to get more parenting skills
find a way to bring him with you,
if not then you must go yourself.
the stuff you are "swallowing" is going to grow bigger and bigger and you need to get tools how to handle it.

I think this is a case where joint marriage therapy is contraindicated. This is not a communication or parenting difference, this is obvious emotional abuse by a malignant narcissist. He will not improve with marriage counseling and will probably use it to further abuse his family.

Very very disturbing behavior.

Jewishmom8

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 6:57 am

amother Purple wrote:

they should not go for marriage therapy.
I was thinking bringing him into therapy would be a good wake-up call for him and for her.
I think that he probably would not go but SHE must go to get tools how to navigate.

amother

Winterberry

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 7:12 am

Jewishmom8 wrote:

She should go by herself to get tools for dealing with her husband. Having her husband with her would interfere, and I doubt he would take it as a wake-up call. Most likely he'd say that the therapist is creating problems or is a bad therapist unless they say that he's right.

amother

Heather

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 8:30 am

This is something my aunts husband would do. To my aunts chair. He's insane.

I would give my son my chair honestly if that happened. And go to the rav again and say "I'm telling you there's a problem here and if you don't believe me, I'll go to someone else but all the time it takes for them to help me will be on YOUR head and you're gonna be in for quite a surprise when you go "upstairs" cuz I'm asking for your help.
I'm davening for you. I'm so sorry.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 8:56 am

Op, with such a husband it's important to go to therapy by yourself. Not with him. Therapy together will likely make you suffer much more.

Do NOT mention to dh that he's abusive. It will only cause you more heartbreaking trouble.

Secretly call Shalom Task Force and they can also guide you how to explain to your husband that you need therapy. One example that might work is like another poster said that you just want to seek guidance for chinnuch.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 9:16 am

Dear OP,

I believe you. You deserve peace, happiness, and love. I am davening for you to find guidance and strength. I am davening for your children. May Hashem protect you and them always.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 9:37 am

amother Oatmeal wrote:

Zu

I do appreciate every response. I am hearing the advice of keeping things quiet.
But I’ve begged him to join me for a Chinuch coach. I even say- I’m the one who needs guidance and I want his support. He’s a stone. Refuses anything. I’ve read every book and listen to every shiur and nothing works. Then I beat myself up…

esther11

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 10:03 am

There has been good advice on this thread. You are not wrong, he is. Please call shalom task force, and a therapist if you can!

Also, idk if this was mentioned but I hope you are on birth control…

imaima

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 10:19 am

amother OP wrote:

My husband tried to each my 5 year old derech eretz. Whenever he joins a meal he takes my sons seat if he gets up. He gets angry if my son asks for his seat backs he calls it chutzpah and says you don’t ask a father to stand up.
I started dreading him walking into the kitchen during meals. He ruins every meal time by turning calm into a stress.
He wants me to support him by telling my son to bring another chair from the dining room.
But my son gets upset every time. Like he just stood up and all of a sudden someone is in his spot.
Am I wrong for thinking this is off??
What should I do in such a situation?

Sounds crazy
Is he trying to raise a shmattah?

imaima

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 10:20 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

I'm not sure, there are random benches and chairs around the huge dining room but by the time he got there there were no seats so he approached me and demanded my chair

Why did you let it happen?

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 3:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

He's unwell. Don't beat yourself up. He's a bully and you need to protect yourself and your children from this emotional abuse.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 3:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

No. It always hurt me. But I looked away in the name of peace.

You know what- my son went away when I had a baby and the fist time he came home I was sitting with him and reconnecting with him in the e kitchen and my husband came in and disrupted the whole thing by taking his chair.
My son was in such an emotional mood and ended up leaving the kitchen and cried for over an hour. There was nothing I could do to calm him down.
Then I was faced with a raging husband because I didn’t teach my son ….

Don't worry about the raging husband. He's not your concern. You don't have the power to fix him. Your son on the other hand - this is his childhood. These few years are shaping who he will become as a person.
Show him that this is not normal. That he doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Don't ever tell him his father loves him because that will teach him that this is what love is. Get help for yourself and for your children.