I disagree with my husband

amother

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:15 pm

My husband tried to each my 5 year old derech eretz. Whenever he joins a meal he takes my sons seat if he gets up. He gets angry if my son asks for his seat backs he calls it chutzpah and says you don’t ask a father to stand up.
I started dreading him walking into the kitchen during meals. He ruins every meal time by turning calm into a stress.
He wants me to support him by telling my son to bring another chair from the dining room.
But my son gets upset every time. Like he just stood up and all of a sudden someone is in his spot.
Am I wrong for thinking this is off??
What should I do in such a situation?

amother

Dustypink

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:16 pm

That’s very abusive. Does he act in emotionally abusive ways in other areas? This is the opposite of teaching derech eretz

amother

DarkRed

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:17 pm

I’m sorry op
Yes something is definitely off
Find someone your husband will listen to if he won’t listen to you- a rov rebbe mentor chinuch expert…
This is your oldest? You have other kids?
He probably needs a real parenting mentor some intervention as doubtful this is the only thing
This is really not good for your son for you or for anyone
Wishing you a calm happy healthy home
Hugs and hatzlocha

asmileaday

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:18 pm

Not normal, sorry.
There's plenty of natural times to teach derech eretz you dont do it like this.
And 5 is extremely young. He's teaching him bad manners.
You need to have a talk with your husband at a different time, not in the moment. Tell him this is not ok and you will not put up with it.

Is this how his own parents were "mechanech" him?

amother

Brown

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:32 pm

Is there a similar approach in other areas? Sounds like you only have 2 chairs in the kitchen. In this situation maybe the situation can be diffused by keeping a third chair there so there are enough ot go around. No, it won't address the root issue but will mitigate this recurring situation

amother

Arcticblue

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 10:42 pm

Not sure I totallyunderstoodproperlybut o think its rude

It's reminding me of what happened today
I'm In a boys sleepaway camp in NY and I was sitting by my table and a married man came over to me from a different table and said I took his chair so he wants it back . He took it and left me (a married women sitting with my family , my husband was with the campers) standing .

amother

Amaranthus

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 11:35 pm

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Did you take his chair?

amother

IndianRed

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 11:38 pm

OP are you saying there are not enough seats for both your ds and dh? So dh is standing until ds gets up?

amother

Forestgreen

Sat, Jul 29 2023, 11:38 pm

Very off. He has a crazy idea in his head. Wherever he got it from, its got to go. Run straight to your Rav with this sholom bayis story, any Rav worth his title will set your husband straight.

amother

Arcticblue

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:08 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Did you take his chair?

I'm not sure, there are random benches and chairs around the huge dining room but by the time he got there there were no seats so he approached me and demanded my chair

camp123

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:12 am

Kids learn from what you do not what you say. So he's teaching your son to take someone's chair, he's not teaching him derech eretz.
What your husband is doing is very off. Does he do other things like this?

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:13 am

This is very wrong of your DH.

All that will happen is that your son will grow up to resent and hate your DH.

This will teach nothing about derech eretz.

amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:15 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

I'm not sure, there are random benches and chairs around the huge dining room but by the time he got there there were no seats so he approached me and demanded my chair

Was it a specific chair? Many people bring their own chairs from home and keep it at their table.

amother

Arcticblue

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:15 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Was it a specific chair? Many people bring their own chairs from home and keep it at their table.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:16 am

What is he trying to teach him?

Because the lesson he's getting across is that when someone gets up I grab his seat and disregard his emotions and basic mentchlichkeit. Oh and then I don't need to give it back when asked because I happen to be in a position of power.

behappy2

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:41 am

There are families that have a designated seat for the father they nobody sits on when the father is there. As long as there are enough other chairs around the table, that would be ok.

The way you put it down it sounds like abuse but maybe you didn't explain it well.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:57 am

amother Dustypink wrote:

That’s very abusive. Does he act in emotionally abusive ways in other areas? This is the opposite of teaching derech eretz

You really think that’s abusive?
He is very difficult to live with I’d say, but now I’m seeing it a lot on how he deals with my kids . I’m starting to worry more and more.
Ive been swallowing till now.

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:59 am

asmileaday wrote:

So how do I “not put up with it”??
I talk to him in private about it and the concerns regarding many things but he laughs it off and yells at me for not respecting him.
I spoke to his rav who tells me what a tzaddik he is. I told him stories but just disregards it.
I feel trapped

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:00 am

amother Brown wrote:

So yes, only 3 chairs but I offer to bring chairs and he still takes whatever chair my son is on

amother

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:01 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

This is very wrong of your DH.

All that will happen is that your son will grow up to resent and hate your DH.

This will teach nothing about derech eretz.

He hates my husband at age 5. My husband blames it on me and says I’m ruining my kids.