The frustration! | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 12:43 am

I feel like this may really belong in Emotional health but maybe some smart Imas can give me tips! I am completely at a breaking point. BH I am pregnant with baby number 4 and my house is a CONSTANT mess! I BH have an amazing marriage my one issue is is that my husband grew up in a home where his mother was ocd with cleanliness to the point where the kids weren't allowed to clean up... he grew up not lifting a finger because no one can clean as well as his mother and their cleaning help. I grew up in a home where my parents were adamently anti cleaning help every one of us had daily jobs to pitch on and help the house be clean. Now fast fwd to adulthood and I feel like all I do is clean up after my 3 kids and husband. I am trying so hard not to lost it on my husband for leaving constant messes for me to clean up and there is only so much I can yell at my kids to clean up after themselves. This mess is literally starting to drive me mad. And I wish I can tell my mil what a disservice she did to her kids that she never taught them to clean up after themselves. My husband said he never in his life picked his laundry up off the floor. He left to school and came home to his bed made pajamas folded and room cleaned. Now I'm suffering because of it! Crying

EtA before anyone says to hire cleaning help thats not an option for financial reasons

amother

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 12:55 am

amother Floralwhite wrote:

My mil is not the clean type and didn't raise her kids to be clean or help out either Laugh

It's usually left to us to bring them up...
If you were brought up "normally" can you start implementing that system?

I guess thats a good point! It goes both ways! I need to get my house back under control and then I should deff start implementing it. I don't even know how my mother did it. It was just a given. Just like we did homework we cleaned up from supper.. I should ask her how she started it.

salt

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:02 am

Cleaning and tidying is something you can also learn later in life.
It's not like say learning a language, where you could say "my mother didn't speak spanish to me as a kid, so now at the age of 45 it's hard for me to learn Spanish" - that could be true.
Or, for example, riding a bicycle, is possibly something that is easier to learn as a child, and is a skill that is not forgotten.

But cleaning or tidying is a very simple and technical task that can be 'learnt' at any age - if you care.

Sit down and have a family meeting where you explain that you simple cannot do all this yourself. Ask your family (kids and husband) if they have any suggestions.
Ask them what cleaning tasks they feel they would be able to do - always best if they choose something. It can be as simple as putting everyone's shoes in the relevant bedrooms at the end of the day, or collecting up any dirty plates from around the house and taking them to the sink - doesn't have to include washing up.
Gradually they can increase their tasks as they get better at them, and see that it's not so hard.
Give lots of incentives, even prizes - even to your DH. Buy special shabbos treats, or just stick a huge smiley sticker by their name on a chart, so that everyone can see that they did something to help.

amother

Catmint

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:07 am

I don't understand. Just because your DH grew up a certain way, does that mean he can't make changes once he's an adult and sees that he needs to step up?
I'm sure he's a wonderful DH in many ways, but he needs to see that he needs to figure out what works for his wife and kids. He no longer lives with his mother. He needs to clean up after himself and help you clean up the house. He needs to set an example for his own kids.
Sit down with him and have a real discussion about it. Explain your needs and ask him what you can do to help him. Does he need little reminder notes? What can you do to make it easier for him. Change isn't always easy but sometimes it's necessary.

s c

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 1:31 am

Start by figuring out exactly what it is you need to do to keep your house tidy. Does everything have a clearly defined place? Create clear systems in cupboards and boxes etc snd then explain exactly what you expect from each family member. Ie. Kids all have to put toys away in boxes every day/erev shabbos etc whatever works for you. Dishes have to be put in sink or dishwasher immediately after use and then really stick to it . Kids pick habits up fast if you're consistent. It takes energy at the beginning but so worth it. So if they're all waiting for uou to take them out you can just matter of factly say we can't go out yet because there are things on the floor or the kitchen is full of dirty dishes etc. just stated matter of factly, not as a punishment but till they get used to your daily expectations of them. Same goes for your husband!

SuperWify

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 2:07 am

If your kids are young have them join you in cleaning up. This is really hard for me to do because they end up making more messes and then the actual help, but the point is is that we’re teaching them from a young age to be responsible and clean up after themselves.

As far as the husband goes… I get it it’s a problem for me too. My husband grow up with a full-time maid. And when he tries to help its usually not to the way I like it, so I just end up doing most of it myself. I do have cleaning help though.

amother

White

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 5:39 am

Op that is so difficult!

To those saying a husband can change. Well you can change as an adult but it wont he natural which means constant reminders and not doing the natural stuff that other would.

I grew up in a large family with no cleaning help and we each had jobs and the house was clean but the brunt of the responsibility rested on my mom. My dad was out to lunch.
My husband grew up in a messy house that was never cleaned and nobody noticed or cared.
Fast forward- I do as my mom did and didn’t expect husband to help. Worked perfect. Thats how he grew up and and how I grew up.
Until I became pregnant again and was so not well- the house was flying and I was just in bed.
Dh tried. He really went against his nature/nurture. But its still not clean. We cant afford cleaning help. He just wont even notice certain things that is basic. There is only that much training he can get from me. He is a human and not a machine.
But its hard. Super hard for me. I live in dirty messy house. My bathrooms havent been cleaned for three weeks and dh doesnt even notice or seem to care….

dena613

Mon, Jul 31 2023, 6:01 am

figure out what your priorities are for dh to do.
Is it make the bed? Throw his clothes in the hamper? Clear his plate? Wash a sink of dishes? Take out the garbage when he sees you tied it? What do you really care about?

Some of these tasks are bigger, some are smaller.

Start small with one or two.
“Dear, it would make a huge difference to me if your laundry ended up in the hamper and you cleared your place setting (trash/sink). Could you please do those two things? It will really mean a lot to me.”

Praise praise praise and thank thank thank.

Work on the same things with your kids.
Any kid over 2 can put their clothes in the hamper and dishes in sink or trash. Get them to clean up after themselves like that.

Start small. Praise a lot.

Add another task in two weeks or so when those two have become routine.