Parenting methods confusion

amother

Holly

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 1:35 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

my three year old comes out of bed unless I sit there until he falls asleep (which I would actually do if I didn’t have two other kids to put to sleep then)

The method that has worked for me is to make it SUPER boring for them to come out of bed. I don't say a thing, I just calmly pick them up and plop them gently back into bed. Over and over and over again, as many times as it takes. Eventually they conclude it's just not worth their effort to come out because within a minute they're right back in again. And you might think he's too young to get it, but no, I do this right from the start and it always works.

amother

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 3:08 pm

ittsamother wrote:

OP, how has it been going? I've been thinking of you.

Not sure. Every time I think ok, I got this, I feel confident.. Something comes along and shakes me. I think also part of my problem is that I'm not too good at being firm and compassionate at the same time. So I go in either direction. And then if I'm tired I just lose it or get very critical. And then I feel bad so I start giving into everything and second guess myself. It's a whole cycle.

amother

Maple

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 3:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

So normal for a highly sensitive parent.

Read up about highly sensitive parenting…

amother

NeonBlue

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 6:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow! This is me exactly!! I definitely think I'm highly sensitive...so interesting!! Following....

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Holly wrote:

practically I can’t see this happening with two other kids around. The five year and one year old. Five year old also should be in bed and gives me a hard time, baby goes to bed slightly later so around.

amother

Holly

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 11:30 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Can you clarify how that affects it? Because you're too busy with them to be on top of putting your 3 yr old back in, or because your 3 yr old plays with them when he comes out?

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 11:44 pm

amother Holly wrote:

Can you clarify how that affects it? Because you're too busy with them to be on top of putting your 3 yr old back in, or because your 3 yr old plays with them when he comes out?

yes I’m busy with them. If I had no other young kids around I could focus on the technique you mentioned. I feel disfunctional that I can’t figure this out.

amother

Holly

Wed, Aug 09 2023, 11:52 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

yes I’m busy with them. If I had no other young kids around I could focus on the technique you mentioned. I feel disfunctional that I can’t figure this out.

The thing is, it's not like it's going to take up endless amounts of time. The same way sleep training only takes a couple days, this will also. It's a new level of sleep training to meet his age and ability to get out of bed himself. You need to train him to understand that once he's in bed the expectation is that he stays there. So yes, you'll be very busy with it for a few days and then the lesson is learned.

Maybe try those color coded clocks for kids, that turn different colors based on when they're allowed out? And set up a prize chart for every night that he stays in until morning.

rowena

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 2:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

What is the best way to gain confidence and conpetency

The best thing that has helped my confidence is to realize that I don't have to get it right anywhere near all the time to be a good parent, especially with the outright teaching moments. I lowered my expectations of myself and changed my goals. You got a lot of great advice here for how to handle the situations as they come up, but since you and me and everyone else in the world mess up, I though I'd share what I learned to do for repair, which has really empowered me.

If my child is emotionally dysregulated, my only goal is to show her that I am regulated enough to handle her overwhelming emotions, so my only goal is to get myself there, I don't even have to calm her down as long as I can have enough calm for both of us (even if I have to step away to take care of other things, as long as I come back to check in.)

If I handled a situation too harshly, I go back later and say "I was thinking about the consequence that I gave you, and I changed my mind, I was angry when I said that, and I wish I had done it differently, here is what we are going to do..."

If I handled a situation to permissively (much more rare for my personality) I would say something like, "I may have let you invite your friend even though you didn't clean your room when I asked, the reason I told you to do that was because I knew that your room would get messy with a friend and now we have an even bigger mess to clean." (basically I tell them why that boundary is there for their wellbeing, or I show them the natural consequence that occurred).

I don't try to do this all the time, I'd never have quality time with my kid if I tried to explain every interaction in a teaching context. My aim is for about 50% of the time, and so far that's been enough of a foundation to get more cooperation from my kids. I really hope this is useful.

amother

Snapdragon

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 2:23 pm

amother Holly wrote:

thank you.