Does not being chassidish put me at a disadvantage…

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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amother

Chicory

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:49 pm

1) you can't coddle your 11 month old too much. Utter nonsense.

If that's the chinuch she got as the oldest of a double digit family, no thanks. Indotn want to be the type of mother who thinks you are coddling your 11 month old by playing on the floor with them.

2) I helped raise all my nieces and nephews. Fed them at night when they were newborns, played baby nurse, took care of them A LOT.
I still had a tremendous learning curve. Having people who relied on me 24/7 for all their needs plus managing a home.

Shtisim, I say.

zaq

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 9:52 pm

What nonsense! One doesn't have to be from a huge family to be a good parent, nor does being from a large family guarantee parental skill. I'll wager that right here we get as many parenting questions posed by chassidish moms from huge families as from women with no siblings at all. That woman ought to be smacked.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 10:03 pm

She's absolutely wrong. I am the youngest of 4 from a frum non-chasidish home. I have 5 kids of my own (youngest is 6 now). I still sit on the floor and play with my kids. I am a very present parent. My kids come to me to discuss everything and anything. They are well rounded kids who help out at home with cleaning and babysitting younger siblings. Some even like to cook (both boys and girls).

Please continue to sit and play and be there for your son. You'll be fine.

amother

Mocha

Thu, Aug 10 2023, 10:37 pm

I'm chasidish. From a large family. The statement she said is so not true!
Some of my siblings are amazing mothers, some are terrible.
Being a good parent has to do with personality, care, effort. Nothing to do with the culture or size of family you were brought up with.
Her comment is so naive, please don't take her seriously. Hug

You seem to be an amazing caring mother who pampers her child with tons of love, care and devotion.

naturalmom5

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 12:56 am

Ask her why her heilig Chasidish schools never taught her middos
Thats very disgusting for her to talk to you like thst

Mevater

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 1:29 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Ask her why her heilig Chasidish schools never taught her middos
Thats very disgusting for her to talk to you like thst

May I nominate this post "perfect comeback" of the year?

amother

Geranium

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 2:07 am

amother Molasses wrote:

This doesn’t directly address what the women said, but from my observation of the chasidish world, there are a lot of European customs and mentalities. I’ve found, as an American, that observing European parenting has improved my parenting and made my household run more smoothly. I want to specifically recommend the book “Bringing up be’be”. It really changed the way I think and act.

up to what age children is this book geared to? I find that I have all the patience in the world to play with my kids when they're little. But when they turn about 5 I play with them because the child wants to but I usually have zero patience.

#BestBubby

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 2:09 am

OP, some people feel threatened by those who have a different "brand" of Judaism

And feel the need to proclaim that their way is superior and put down others.

It's just poor middos.

amother

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 7:20 am

Thank you everyone for clarifying and for your comments!

amother

Snowflake

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 7:32 am

First let me pick up my jaw of the ground.

I'm a bt from the age of 15, I'm the youngest of 2. My older sibling is 5 years older then me so I never had to look after babies or kids.

I have 4 of my own and have been told that my kids are very well behaved and bh I'm managing fine thank you very much.

On the other spectrum I have a family member with more than 10 kids, a highly dysfunctional family situation and bh when their kids got married and had kids the kids were bh able to raise them just fine.

amother

PlumPink

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 7:44 am

amother OP wrote:

For child rearing?

I grew up in a left wing modern orthodox home (I.e. co-Ed Jewish day schools, pants, etc). I have one younger sibling who I ended up taking care of and raising because of a sick mother. I was very familiar with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and basic responsibilities.

I am close with a chassidish lady who comes from a Williamsburg family of 12 children. She herself lives in EY and has her own clan. She saw me interacting with my oldest baby when he was about 11pm this old and she told me that because I did not grow up chassidish I do not know how to raise children. Since chassidim are all born so close on age and have tons of kids, the girls learn how to raise kids. She said I coddled my baby too much by sitting on the floor and playing with him, answering to his cries, etc.

As a pregnant full time working mother, my question to the chassidim out there… how do you do it? What innate skills did you learn that I didn’t? What did you learn to do differently from your childhood that I didn’t?

I’d like to add that I’m aware there is dysfunction in the chassidish world too and they also have their struggles with things.

With the bolded, well meaning people (aka interferers) often give unsolicited parenting advice like this. Those people come from all walks of life including secular. Please try to tune these people out/ignore them. I know it is really hard to do. The bolded sounds like to me that you were ably parenting your baby. Sorry that someone said this to you.

OceanRider

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 8:08 am

I hope she knows how to raise kids if she doesn’t understand what it really takes to raise kids and how to talk to people

amother

Peru

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 9:36 am

You got your answer, but I just wanted to add, EVEN IF it was true there was some discernible advantage, it would only hold for the older kids. The youngest of 12 isn't going to have any more experience with babies in the home than an only child or oldest of 2 relatively close in age.

amother

Molasses

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 9:55 am

amother Geranium wrote:

The book can apply to any age. It’s not about playing with your kids, it’s about a mentality around child rearing.

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Aug 11 2023, 11:36 am

What nonsense! I am chassidish and come from a very small family as my parents had fertility issues. I never grew up with a baby in the house and I manage just fine. I am very patient with my kids and enjoy spending time with them.
People that grew up in large families might have more experience in certain things (e.g. my sister phoned my mom the first time she had to put on her baby's diaper as she didn't know what the right way) but it definitely doesn't make you a better mom.

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