Why is it always me? Re: carpool

amother

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:04 am

My son started yeshiva this week. There is no busing so I take and pick him up, it's 20 minutes each way.
The first day I go to pick him up he asks if his friend could get a ride. He is on the way if I want to go one way but a lot of the time there is traffic that way.
This happens everyday. Wednesday the boy says that if my son could be dropped off at his house at 7:50 in the morning he could take him.
It was arranged that Friday morning my son would go to his house again same time. The boy calls him at 7:30 that he is leaving at 7:35. My son was just getting out of the shower and I was getting dressed and there was no way we would make it there at that time but I will be taking him home I know. I would like to go shopping before going home but I won't be able to. I can't not take this boy because then he will be left in yeshiva.
I'm just upset that they assumed I will be picking him up everyday without asking me.
Why is it I'm always the responsible parent not relying on other people to drive my child?

amother

Mint

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:07 am

Please speak to the boy's parents about this! This seems to be a terrible arrangement for you.
One cannot possibly assume you can take their child home everyday without discussing with you first.
I would absolutely call the boy's mother and say that you cannot take her son home everyday as you often have errands to run etc.

groovy1224

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:17 am

Not to be hash, but if this is 'always' happening to you, it's because you are allowing it to happen. Call the boy's mother and let her know you can't drive her son home so please not to rely on you. You are not a free car service, don't let yourself be treated as such.

LittleDucky

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:19 am

You need to call this mom and formalize any arrangements you may or may not want to have. You did a favor one day and now they expect it every day. You can make it formal with a schedule and they take shifts or they can pay you like a taxi service.
Do this now so they don't just assume you are OK with it. Because you haven't spoken up, resentment and frustration is building.
For all you know your son said "of course" without asking you.
By opening up communication you will clarify the situation and decrease resentment.

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:23 am

He’s also not four, you can make him come on your errands, if he chooses to get a ride with you.
You can also bring him to your house, and he can figure out how to get home from there himself. Just as you were saying, that you had to take DS to his house, reverses good too.

amother

Currant

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:41 am

Always make official carpools. Otherwise there are people who are never available to drive and are for some reason busier than the rest of us mortals. I learned the hard way. Like last chanuka when the mesivta boys got out early and had no busing. A few of us took a turn with driving. One boy sits down next to my son in the car and says "I have the flu but I don't want to miss the chanuka party so I came anyway". I was pretty upset that he exposed my son to the flu. But low and behold when it was his mother's turn to drive "my son has the flu and didn't come to school, so please someone else drive today". Suddenly he can't come to school!

Side point- if you are part of a carpool, you take your day whether or not your child is going to school. It's not fair to the rest of the carpool that still has to get to and from school and they drove your child on the other days.

amother

Ghostwhite

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:46 am

amother OP wrote:

It's a choice. Contact parents. Either formalize a real carpool schedule or tell them to make other arrangements for their child.

amother

Moonstone

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 10:49 am

groovy1224 wrote:

This. People treat us how we allow them to treat us.

Don't take the boy home. His parents will be forced to get him, as they should.

amother

Lightcyan

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:03 am

I totally get you.
We live on a block just a bit further away from a central meeting point than many of my kids' friends. Like 2 extra minutes by car, 1 there and 1 back. Yet they ALWAYS ask us to drop them off "on the way". Obviously they are not exactly "on the way". We have to go a few blocks off the through-road to get to their house.
We are very tired of this but it is hard to argue without being petty.
Once in a while we'd ask another kid where their parent is they answer they were tired and went to bed or changed their clothes. Well yeah we would have liked to do that as well!!!
Or their parent says just walk home which sometimes they all do together but it is pretty far and sometimes it is very late. So I think the parents are playing chicken with us.

ETA: And in a particular official carpool we did have they would insist on picking up and dropping off my child on top of our hill without coming down, literally 30 seconds down and 30 seconds up while I drove each child to their house which also meant going into side streets and out again.
I dropped out of that carpool from annoyance.

amother

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:07 am

I have no idea who the mother is and I have a feeling she doesn't speak English too well.
I don't know but before my kids go to school and I am responsible to take and pick up I make sure that a plan is in place. I have seen so many kids having to figure out their own transportation I just don't get it.
And if it's my turn and my kid doesn't go I either still pick up or take if my child could stay home either by themselves or if someone could watch them.
My son always calls me first before saying yes to anyone.
Really the first time I should of just said no but then I would feel very bad.
I am hoping after succos the yeshiva will have a van organized.

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:08 am

I had a similar story.
I called the mother and said, I’ll gladly take your child but then I’d like to make a set schedule where I pick up some days and you do the other...
people will take advantage of you as long as you allow them to.

I see you wrote you don’t know the mother. Get her phone number from the boy.

amother

Jasmine

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:13 am

3rd scenario
Kid tell his mother before he leaves:
"dw ma, I'll find a ride home!"
Mother thinks great, one less thing for me to do.
Mother has no clue you're driving him home and upset about it!
Call the Mother if you want to set up a real carpool.
Tell boy you're not able to if you don't want to.

amother

Jasmine

Fri, Sep 01 2023, 11:14 am