"you're so stupid mommy" ADVICE NEEDED

ora_43

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:43 am

Honestly, a firm "Hey!" (in Stern Mommy voice) "we don't talk to people like that." is my go-to. Basic, but the basics tend to be basic for a reason.

If the kid looks sorry, next up is "please say 'sorry' to me, and then let's talk about why you're upset."

If they are too angry to apologize, "let's take a break for a few minutes until you're able to speak nicely." (they don't need to go to time-out, I just don't engage with the conversation for 3-4 minutes).

If they escalate (eg yelling 'STUPID STUPID STUPID'), then they get a time out to calm down. Yes, that involves picking them up and carrying them there and holding the door shut. Fortunately 6-year-olds tend to be small.

(If they destroy the room while in time-out, then when they come out of time out they are warned 'you will need to help me fix this later,' and about an hour later, they need to help clean up, or else they won't get TV time. yes, they will only do like 1% of the work. it is what it is. the goal is chinuch and for that, it's enough that they help.)

So far this has worked for me even with more complicated kids. Keep in mind though that "worked" is a very long process.

I do think that name-calling is serious and even with kids with more complicated issues I wouldn't just let it slide.

amother

Pink

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 4:50 am

My kids started doing this, and I realized it was because DH was putting me down a lot in their presence (because I can't drive and don't speak Hebrew natively). When DH began to show me more respect, it really improved the kids' respect for me.

Orange42

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 6:42 am

Absolutely agree it comes down to what they see. It’s not always what’s in the home, but also friends homes. If they see their friends talking this way, and you know it’s not because of what’s going on in your home, it may be what they see at friends houses or interactions with bad influences.

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 6:47 am

giftedmom wrote:

As I said in previous threads I’m not the worlds strictest mother but if I won’t take it from an adult I won’t take it from a kid

I havent read the whole thread.

If you dont "take it", what did you do that stopped talk like this?

the world's best mom

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 6:50 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Here's the thing. Do you really believe he doesn't know?

Ignorance is so rarely the cause of 'misbehavior,' certainly repeated ones.

He may know that it's technically incorrect behavior. But if a parent neglects to even comment on it, he will believe it's okay for him to say it because it doesn't seem to bother his mother.

amother

Tealblue

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 7:25 am

amother Pink wrote:

This is soooooooooooo true.

The DHs very often make it or break it (Chutzpah)!

amother

Starflower

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:00 am

I say "I can't let you say that. You hurt my heart and it's mean. I'm picking you up now, and putting you in your room until you'd like to apologize." Super calm. As soon as they say sorry I say ok thank you for doing tshuva. Most if the time we don't even make it to the room. If they call me stupid in the middle of an overtired tantrum, I pretend I didn't hear.

Highstrung

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 8:07 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

This is soooooooooooo true.

The DHs very often make it or break it (Chutzpah)!

Nobody in my home speaks this way. And B”H my DH doesn’t talk down to me . Of course if a DH puts his wife down or talks disrespectfully to his wife his kids will be disrespectful towards her. But that doesn’t mean a child who’s disrespectful sees this type of behavior in the home necessarily.
I’m afraid my daughter picked up the term “you’re so stupid” in school and she used it when she’s angry . She says a few other words that we also never said in our home . They are terms we don’t use . It’s like another poster wrote , it’s like an adult using curse words when they are mad.

My daughter understands how chutzpadik it is that sometimes in the midst of her angry outburst she will stop herself.
She will say “You’re so Stu…..” and then not finish the word. It’s almost like she can’t help herself because she is so riled up with emotion.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Sep 04 2023, 1:44 pm

My 4 year old sometimes says- "Poopy Mommy!" if I don't let him do something or have something he wants.
I just say "Cutie Moshe!" and tell him I love him. He usually ends up laughing and the whole thing ends. He's actually been saying it much less recently so I guess it's working.