Moms of kids with good but a bit different ASD spectrum kid

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 6:25 pm

OP, your son sounds like a prize! What a special boy!

I cannot tell you names, because the high school scene has shifted with much more options than about a decade ago. Which is a good thing! And because it would probably not be right to badmouth places on a public forum.

I can tell you that when you meet and get to know this year's rebbe, you should be kind but firm in your belief in your son. Insist on a strengths-based approach. That means that if you talk to him and he begins by saying all that your child is not doing, you kindly insist that the conversation be re-directed. We prefer to start with the strengths that you see and how we can work together to enhance them and to make sure that he can blossom in those areas. I think you have had some good experiences and you are probably doing this, because you mentioned how the previous rebbe told you about him asking good questions even if he may not completely be up to par in the gemara learning. So, stuff like that. I find that when you come in with this approach, they change the focus to positive and then they view everything with a more positive and more generous eye. My experience has been that the rebbe has a big say. So making sure that you don't apologize for your kid, and that you insist on focusing on his strengths may encourage a better suggestion.

I would tell you to be wary of the phrase "small warm yeshiva catering to non learners." Ask many questions, including (this is super important) their retention levels. How many boys are they losing every year. When a lot of kids are leaving, well something's up. Also, high staff ratio doesn't mean much, because a lot of rebbeim in the weaker yeshivas are some regular 'ol avreich with next to zero training. Also, many of those who are hired, just want to use it as a training ground so they can get to a more prestigious position, so they don't try to create lessons that are particularly appealing. They aren't really trained in dealing with learning or behavioral differences, so they have no idea what they are doing. So find out who all these people are besides for just the lead person who may be trying to sell his place. Also, find out if they say different things to different people just to get numbers for their "small warm" yeshiva. Sometimes that's a euphimism for dying yeshiva. Also try to talk to other people who have sent 4 or 5 years before, not just the previous year. Because my son can tell you about places that I know people speak about like wow they do great things for the boys, and the kids have a simmering anger at the way they were treated when they were helpless boys. I point no blame to the parents, btw. They were helpless in their own way too.

I would encourage you to begin conversations with your son about the new demands in mesivta. Which he will certainly be aware of, so don't worry you wont surprise him. And then begin to brainstorm together how these changes (not challenges!) will be best handled by him and what his strategies will be. So he will know what's coming and can choose how to face it. The hours are very long, and are challenging for most kids coming into 9th grade. Some kids act silly because it is too much, some kids pick fights because they feel overwhelmed or overstimulated. And this is regular kids. So he should begin to develop greater awareness of his own needs and how he can help himself. Where he can walk away, where he can kind of go along with things, but give himself a break by not fully engaging - kind of like mouthing along but not really focusing. Whatever works for him.

I hope this is somewhat helpful and I wish you loads of hatzlacha!

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 6:46 pm

Oh also if they say things like we work with the boys to make them feel good blah blah. So make sure they "show don't tell" and ask for concrete examples of what they do and examples of the positive impact they've seen that's relevant to that intervention. And ask how often those things happen and are they ever used as something that can be taken away at a rebbes whim. Also what types of extracurricular? Like are they just roaming gourmet glatt aimlessly? Is it thought out or is it just babysitting? How do they talk about helping kids make gains in learning and how do they talk about their accomplishments especially since they may not be typical. Is it patronizing or is it respectful and sincere?

Ok I'm gonna stop now. I just want to close by thanking you for giving me the opportunity to try to help someone else's child. It heals something inside when I can hope another caring mother might be able to do better for her sweet boy. My warmest hopes and good wishes for you both!

amother

DarkRed

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:06 pm

Op, I don't know your son but I can just share my experience. My child is an amazing boy who has had his journey over the years. As a young teen the more apparent challenges are rigidity, lack of awareness of others perspectives and social nuances. He is smart and wants to do well although some aspects of learning are easier for him than others. Bh he thrived in an amazing elementary school despite all he faced due to very understanding and caring hanhala. It was very hard finding a mesivta as we needed someplace with ask a strong enough level of learning yet the understanding and flexibility for his nuances. Bh bh he is very happy in his mesivta, netzach hatorah. He is seen and appreciated for the person he is and I thank hashem for his rosh yeshiva all them time.
I won't lie, the transition to mesivta from a familiar and secure elementary school was something he did not anticipate. We set him up with a therapist in advance to help ease the transition, let him find his footing (in a world female mom knows almost nothing about. Thank you Lakewood 😜) and they continue to work together to address things as they arise.
At this point he goes and comes happily and is settled and enjoys his yeshiva. He feels comfortable with his rosh yeshiva who readily addresses anything that comes up (bh not too often)
It sounds like you have put a tremendous amount into bringing your child to the point he is at. Give yourself A huge pat on the back and recognition for it. It's a big reason that he is where he is up to today - he has an understanding and proactive mother behind himself. Wishing you clarity and Hatzlacha in the process and transition. It is an adjustment for parent and child alike. Hashem should give you much continued nachas and your child beautiful growth and success through all stages of life!

amother

Vanilla

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:53 pm

OP please DO NOT speak with Binyomin Strauss if you say or even hint to the fact that your DS is on the spectrum he will automatically tell you to send to yeshivas for kids on the spectrum that are lower functioning, not truly educated in the child’s needs and will stunt him and not help him. You have done an amazing job until now and kooodos to you for not having an ABA that is most likely why your son has been successful . ABA is a behavioral training system but doesn’t expand neural passages and often inhibits new neural connections that form in a NT peer group environment. Please do not label his with a dx when looking for yeshivas. Your son is (say his name) he is NOT his dx. He is a person that has certain challenges. I never share a dx I only share my children’s challenges that are relevant and necessary. Not truly benching or fully davening is not necessary to share. Many NT ninth graders don’t really Daven or bentch properly. I wouldn’t make an issue of it or it will become an issue. If you don’t say anything about it , nobody will notice and he will learn to compensate (my DS goes to bathroom a lot…) I strongly believe he should continue in a mainstream environment. I absolutely agree that most hanhala are most likely more inflexible and rigid then your DS. I remember discussing some challenges we were having in my DS mainstream school with a therapist and she accurately summed it up by saying “so the 60yr old is black and white and rigid in his thinking, inflexible, and intolerant and therefore is insisting the 6yr old must be flexible and adaptable because he the adult is incapable 😬🙈😂 how does him being rigid effect him in school? My DS is also rigid and has anxiety but doesn’t really effect him or present in any dysfunctional behaviors in mesifta as there’s not much need to be flexible or not much ti have anxiety about in the way most mesiftas are structured. I kept my son in a mainstream mesifta and hired private ppl to learn with him during Seder so that he was being taught in a way that meets his needs and thereby allows him to be able to follow (somewhat) during shiur. My son does have some noticeable quirks like rocking his chair back , stimming with his hands , and pacing aimlessly in the halls (at times). My greatest fear was putting him in a new environment where kids might bully and tease him do to these differences. I’m with the advantage that we are OOT and majority of his class goes to the local mesifta. I was there for able to keep him with his friends that know him and are so use to him they don’t even notice these mannerisms that new kids would most likely taunt and bully him for. For me that would be the main concern. I would send to where a good portion of his good friends are going so he’s secure socially (will help alleviate his anxiety as well) and you can get good yungerleit to learn with him during seder if he needs extra support in his learning. Unless there are specific ways his anxiety and rigid thinking you know will impact his ability to function in a mainstream mesifta please do not even consider switching him to a yeshiva that is geared towards special needs and often more harmful then helpful for the kids. I would rather find out where his good friends are applying and apply there. If those places will be too much pressure for him then you quietly and privately can make adjustments and tweak his schedule as needed. To me social aspect is huge and if you have any fear of him not being on par socially with the typical ninth grader to me it is more important to keep him with his group of friends (or at least a good friend) then the level of the Yeshiva as that you can compensate for . You can’t compensate or step in when immature 14yr old boys (which most are at that age) choose to be cruel to your son anything else your worried about there’s ways to work around , the one thing you can’t do anything about is the social aspect. I would therefore make sure DS in same yeshiva as his current friends/friend.

amother

Vanilla

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agree- but some years were mamesh hanging by a thread in terms of the english teachers getting frustrated with him for not doing work. It was very touch and go. The nicer teachers I bentch them every day, the tougher/stricter teachers, well lets just say they made my life harder.

That's sort of what I was referring to....

I do though agree that he belongs in a normal school - I just needs names of normal bais schools

This won’t be much of a problem in mesifta as there’s very little English and whatever English they have is used as “fun time” for majority of the boys. I wouldn’t say he needs a beys yeshiva I think he needs the yeshiva his good friends are going to and you’ll supplement with getting him appropriate chavrusas that can teach him on his level.