Immature neighbor upset that not invited to wedding

amother

Teal

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 7:46 pm

No one should judge another person's financial situation. I was only allowed to invite 6 friends. We have a gigantic mishpacha , my father is a rav of a shul. After all the shul people and relatives my parents only had six seats left otherwise they had to start paying extra with money that didn't exist. I also couldn't afford to make a vort. My lchaim became very large but I was told in advance that my ill fil couldn't handle too many people and to please not invite anyone outside the nuclear family. Relatives came anyway. But my supposed friends were insulted they weren't invited. So they all left before the second dance. I barely had anyone left. One "friend" was insulted I didn't invite her chosson (she became engaged a few days before my wedding). I couldn't see giving up another seat. These girls wanted seats not just come for dancing. I realize now that these "friends" were not nice people. I don't keep up with any of them. And I showed my face at their weddings and didn't help with shtick or showers. They didn't help with mine and one of their mothers had a chutzpah to have a taaneh against me why I didn't make a shower for her daughter. As if her daughter did a thing for my wedding.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 10:45 pm

amother Teal wrote:

You showed tremendous sensitivity and maturity in a delicate situation. They say the Kallah is Malka on her wedding day, you proved to be worthy of the title. You have lucky parents and in laws -As to the others, to quote the title of this thread- immaturity doesn't mean they will always be immature. I pray they realize that they were unfair to you. Its unpleasant that you had to receive criticism when they had no idea what you were going through...its unfair that they couldnt be DLKZ understanding that weddings arent a birthday party.. Its horrible that your friends left the wedding early (was there a snow storm that night or another reason?? Lets be DLKZ too) ..I know you forgive them and am glad its behind you.

Last edited by B'Syata D'Shmya on Thu, Oct 12 2023, 3:04 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 10:54 pm

amother Teal wrote:

I’m sorry you went through that.

I had a friend who didn’t invite me to the meal. It was fine because we weren’t especially close. I went to first dance and my close friend convinced me to go back to second dance as well. I did that but it was hard. To go to one dance, go home and then go back to another dance is a huge shlep and I remember that it was very hot, and there was nothing for us to drink because we didn’t have plates. I felt like it wasn’t really necessary considering that we weren’t even close enough to be invited to the meal.

All that is to say that I don’t judge anyone for not inviting but being upset that those who weren’t invited for the meal didn’t go to both dances, is misplaced imo. Surely you didn’t expect your friends to stand around and watch others eat. And it’s not fair to expect people to dance a full dance, then leave to eat because you aren’t offering them any food or drink, and then come back. It would have been nice if they had done it but to expect them to do it seems wrong.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 11:07 pm

Of your on a public building hang a invitation on your door. Or of your allowed some other public part of the building. Write a personal note. We would love if everyone can join on for dancing (and dessert if possibe) underline the word dancing g so everyone gets the message. You could also write-looking forward. This gives a friendly invite without hopefully costing extra. The day of a wedding you don't want people holding grudges. I would assume if someone came for the meal uninvited they feel a closeness to you. Or are a rachmanus because they are socially off. I would do the same if I'm part of a friendly group of people like a gym group or work group and can't invite everyone. I would send a group text or text out all at once I'm not able to invite everyone for the while wedding but I would love if you could join in my Simcha and come for dancing. Some people genuinely do care about the people they are acquainted with and they are happy to join in your Simcha. Why is it am Yisrael Chai only by a tzara

*not justifying your neighbor for feeling hurt.

amother

Glitter

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 11:21 pm

Also want to point out that if you need help with a wedding that's why their are funds for wedding. Don't over do it. But I was once at a relatives wedding and they ran out of plates of food. It's horrible. I traveled for the wedding not to have a meal for me. And waiters aren't expected to give plates in any order. Don't go down to the last plate. You could also safely assume that not everyone will end up eating so use common sense and you may want very friendly let one of the people wishing mazal tov that they are welcome to sit down to the meal.

I also have seen hall's that serve buffet style food for extra guest

amother

Teal

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 11:42 pm

amother Goldenrod wrote:

No. The friends that I actually invited for the meal all left before the second dance. Like they couldn't see that I had so few girls at my wedding? They were not nice.

amother

Teal

Wed, Oct 11 2023, 11:52 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

It is horribly embarrassing to run out of food at a wedding. People can be coming from a distance. But you shouldn't be so cavalier about "there are funds for a wedding." Those funds (at least the ones that my parents looked into) are gemachs that make you pay back very quickly. Some people can't do that. And some people are making multiple weddings in a short span of time. And the tzedaka organizations seem to be for the really destitute people and many of us have too much pride to ask for help. So it's not so simple like you make it sound.