What helps you have a strong connection?

thegiver

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 10:30 pm

Particularly with girls! I am not the best listener and my girls are not as chatty as most but I struggle to connect because of my poor listening skills. What helps you improve your listening even if it’s idle talk and what helps you connect with your children )preferably without spending any money)?

Thanks!! Also do you have any rituals that make your girls associate yiddishkeit with pleasure? I think this is fundamental in making our girls love Torah and mitzvos—first our personal connection with them and second that they should have mostly positive associations with Torah and mitzvos and not see it as a burden but as a treasure!!!

I was talking to a friend and she said drop all battles because the main thing is you just want your girls to be yiras shamayim. What if the battles involve yiras shamayim like tznius or not stealing not lying etc? (We don’t make it a big deal but it seems to happen more often than we like)

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 13 2023, 7:56 am

It's not easy raising kids these days.
Do try to listen to them when you can. I find that sometimes I can listen to my teen on a drive. Like I take her with me on errands, and she tells me of all the hoc (friends, teachers, school, etc...) and I try to listen and hear where she's up to.
Push yourself financially to get her clothes she likes so that she will be happy to be tznius. Take her shopping and buy her something beautiful and tell her how beautiful she looks in it. This is advice I got from a Rebbetzin (Mrs. Kreisworth A"H).
When my girls were little I used to give them a small treat when they davened on non-school days, so it would be something they want to do. they could choose soemthing like a taffy or a sour stick, etc...
Thank your girls whenever they help you out. Tell them how much you appreciate them. Tell them they are making things so much easier for you. My DD came up with a great idea the other day, I told her "you are thinking of such good and practical and helpful ideas, keep them coming!" and I saw her smile with pride. Compliment them.
I want to say that Yiras Shomayim develops naturally from a place of emotional health and Simcha, so make sure your children are happy and healthy, and then they will make very good Ovdei Hashem, B"EH (told to me by my seminary teacher.)

amother

Yolk

Fri, Oct 13 2023, 9:30 am

thegiver wrote:

Also do you have any rituals that make your girls associate yiddishkeit with pleasure? I think this is fundamental in making our girls love Torah and mitzvos—first our personal connection with them and second that they should have mostly positive associations with Torah and mitzvos and not see it as a burden but as a treasure!!!

DH and I learn regularly with our girls from the time they finish first grade. They each learn separately once a week with someone. They participate in learning programs run by our shul, which includes some learning after Shabbos morning davening, as well as a perek of Navi each Shabbos afternoon, and various learning connected to the different chagim.

We try to make our learning itself pleasurable and meaningful, and also reward their effort. We draw pictures liberally to illustrate what we are learning, and on their own time the girls often come back to draw more elaborate pictures of things they've learned. We have a special routine for the learning itself, which they enjoy. And when they need something like a notebook or pencils for their learning, I let them choose and buy fancy ones.

When they finish something, they get to have a siyum on the level of a birthday party, which they get to plan themselves. They get to pick two crafts to do with their friends, one baking/decorating and one art, and then also a couple of small items for a party favor to give at the end. They love planning their siyums and look forward to them.

I include them in adult learning opportunities as appropriate for their age, and only to the extent they are interested. For example, my oldest daughter likes to come with me to an adult Shabbos morning shiur before davening. Sometimes she is able to understand a lot, sometimes the topic is more abstract like pruzbul and she doesn't follow, but she always wants to come.

When I hosted a women's learning group in my home in the evening, the content was way over my daughters' heads, but I let them help pick the snacks I would serve, help set up, and then let them stay up late and hang out and partake of the refreshments. They weren't actually following the shiur and discussion, but they clearly enjoyed being there. When I told them I might do it in the shul next time to have more space, they flipped out and demanded I only do it at our house because if I do it at the shul, they can't come. After seeing how much they liked it, I found some simpler, but still source based, Tanach shiurim on Youtube and we had our own family "learning group" with the same kind of refreshment setup, and I was amazed how actively the girls not only followed, but participated. I had to pause constantly for their comments and questions. I have been too busy to do this for a while, but would love to get back to it.

Also, we buy a lot of books for them, with pictures because they love big color illustrations. We have The Weekly Parashah, Know Navi, 39 Melachos, 613 Mitzvos Illustrated (kids' version based on Sefer HaChinuch), Koren Graphic Novel Megillat Esther, Koren Graphic Novel Haggadah, Artscroll Illustrated Rus, Megillas Esther, and Yonah.

Just want to conclude with an excerpt from a recent shiur by R' Sobolofsky: "The only part of the Beis Hamikdash that remains is the Torah itself. As Sukkos comes to an end and we celebrate the last yom tov of Tishrei, the abundant joy that was once felt in the Beis Hamikdash accompanies the Torah itself. . . . It is particularly fitting that talmud Torah be the expression of our greatest joy. In the beracha we recite every morning before beginning our study of Torah we insert a unique request: we ask Hashem that our Torah study be enjoyable. Although all mitzvos should preferably be performed in the state of joy, talmud Torah is unique in that simcha is an integral part of our study of Torah. In the introduction to the sefer Eglei Tal the theme is developed that the amount of joy one experiences during talmud Torah impacts on the mitzva proper."

P.S. I do a lot of non-learning-related bonding with my girls too, but I wanted to talk about learning because I think it's underutilized with girls.

P.P.S. Learning is not just for "academic" girls. When there's no pressure of tests, memorization, reading out loud, translating, and so on, and the material is presented at the correct level, I find that all kinds of girls can enjoy text-based learning in a group or individual setting.