I'm Ashkenazi and married Sefardi AMA

amother

Scarlet

Fri, Oct 13 2023, 2:38 am

My best friend from childhood who came from a background as ashkenaz as it comes, married sfardi. at 19 years old. At first we (her best friends) couldnt figure out why she went for a guy so different than what she was used to and grew up with- because she was so young and hadnt even gotten her feet wet in the dating world. But she's been married 20 years and truly seems really happy. Of course I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but her husband seems like a really great guy- and while he has his minhagim, he seems to have let his wife lead the way when it comes to raising the kids, and is open to her and her familys way of life and doesnt seem stiff or rigid, or "unbudgeable" when it comes to their differences.Things he does on his own like davening, how he pronouces things, makes kiddush etc are all very sfardi, if you eat a shabbos meal by her she cooks and their foods is her childhood and mothers recipes.

His own mother is ashkenaz and he went to ashkenaz bais medrash post high school so he definitely had exposure to ashkenaz culture, and was familiar with her families "type" and I don't think it was such a culture shock.

If I had to guess, her sons will probably look for sfaardi wives, while her girls can go either way. they are seriously "typical" bais yaakov girls from lakewood, and I think if an ashkenaz guy was suggested to them, they would go for it. They're really close with her family and my friends father and brothers have a pretty big presence in their lives.

I dont have personal exxperience in this topic vut I will say that I love the traditional gender roles in general. my own (ashkenaz!!) husband is such a wuss in every way, cant make a decision, isnt assertive, doesnt take care of things and wont handle things with the kids, discipline or otherwise. I feel like I'm both the mom and dad and really dont want to be both, and I feel like this is a less common issue with sfardim where the men are the "man of the house". I miss that in my marriage.

isrmss91

Fri, Oct 13 2023, 8:39 am

amother Glitter wrote:

You just described the SY community (99% of them) and they still wouldn’t allow their kids to marry a orthodox convert that’s sad and fun at the same time once the Takana was issued to prevent “gentile characteristics”.

Can you just stop already. I understand you have a thing against the Sephardic community. I am assunming you are the same person who keeps bringing up the subject over and over again, in any thread involving sephardim. You make us sound terrible and might possibly be motzei shem rah, especially with Rabbaimim who decided this geder, as a protection to the community.

amother

Fri, Oct 13 2023, 9:44 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

Thanks for sharing!

I always wanted a "real man" however, I guess the grass sometimes appears greener on the other side. There are definitely downsides to marrying an alpha male, but hearing your perspective helps me appreciate what I do have. Thanks for the reality check! I hope you can also find the good points even if he isn't the most masculine.

amother

Stone

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 3:17 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

My husband is sfardi, and also can’t make a decision, and also doesn’t know how to discipline the kids (not effectively at least). I have to kill all of the bugs in my house, because he is too scared! so I guess it differs from person to person, and doesn’t necessarily have to do with Ashkenazi vs sfardi.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 3:28 pm

I'm glad I found this thread. My daughter is in shidduchim and someone suggested a sefardi boy for her. We are very much not racist and have nothing against sefardim, but being that we live in Israel and the system here tends to somewhat discriminatory against sefardim (schools, shidduchim, etc.), I'm afraid that I'm setting her up for some challenges since the boy has a very clearly sefardi-sounding name. Does anyone have experience with this?

amother

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 6:31 pm

amother Stone wrote:

I agree with this 100%. Much of this is personality.
Although, often culture plays a role in how we think/act. I do think sefardi culture is more polar in terms of masculinity and femininity.

I guess the question isn't "is your husband sefardi?" but rather "how sefardi is your husband?" LOL

Did your husband go to ashkenaz yeshivos? Is your MIL ashkenaz?
Not saying it's directly correlated with an inability to kill bugs, but now I'm just curious Wink