Your Responsibilities & expectations of teen daughters

notshanarishona

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 7:24 am

#BestBubby wrote:

All kids 6+ should help for minimum 30 minutes on school nites

And 60-90 minutes on erev shobbos, sundays.

That’s insane.
When my daughter was 6 she was getting home at 4 and going to bed at 7.
She needed about 45 minutes to eat , half hour for homework, 20 minutes for bath/ pajamas/ brushing teeth, etc. If a kid that age would also have to help, that would leave them no playing time.
30 hour is normal for maybe 12+ but even that depends on the situation. If they get home from school at 530 and have 2 hours of homework, I wouldn’t ask for much.

amother

Freesia

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 7:56 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I think once a kid is 14-15 they should be doing their own laundry and making their own lunches for school. All part of teaching independence.

Specifically regarding doing their own laundry- I remember my mom tried to get me to do my own but but it didn't work out. I was part of a large family and there was constantly loads going. Like all the time. So if I were to have to do my own laundry, I would always have to start dealing with everyone else's laundry (emptying machines, switching from washer to dryer, hanging up stuff that cant be dried) and a supposedly simple task became a more time consuming one. I remember getting mad about it and my mother gave in and agreed to just do my laundry. She was doing laundry for 9 other people anyway!

keym

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 8:44 am

Some of this is personal preference. And what works for your family.

I specifically don't want my teens doing their own laundry. I like doing all different things in separate loads. And I don't want the expense of her washing just 2 skirts or just 1 pr of pajamas and a few pairs of underwear.
Nor do I want the expense of buying them enough stuff to fill a load.

I expect them to sort their laundry into the proper hampers (I have around 7 in my laundry room). And I expect them to help put in a family load, or change a load, or hang a load as I ask them.
I do expect them to fold and put away their own stuff.
And if they need something washed "specialty" theyll do it themselves.

I see laundry like cooking. I don't expect them to take responsibility for making their own supper because it's annoying and not practical. They help with peeling, making salad, and they might make supper on a vacation day. If they don't like supper they make their own

GLUE

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 10:53 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I think once a kid is 14-15 they should be doing their own laundry and making their own lunches for school. All part of teaching independence.

When my boys started to go away to school they started there own laundry, even when there home they do it.

emee2

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:06 am

GLUE wrote:

What is normal for a 6 year old to do for 30 minutes on a school night?

I would love to hear some ideas too. My son is 7 and he loves to help but between myself and my teens there isn’t a lot for him to do definitely not 30 minutes worth. He helps me with laundry, mostly matching socks, sometimes I’ll have him fill up his negelvasser and his younger siblings. If there are groceries he can take some downstairs to our pantry but he can’t reach a lot of things.

Thursday nights he is always trying to find something to help with that’s different than the usual since they have to tell the teacher how they helped for shabbos.

Chayalle

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:20 am

amother OP wrote:

I definitely have a hard time seeing helping out with younger siblings as teens responsibility

Do you think the first time they should ever be responsible for kids would be when they have their own? I think that would put many young women at a big disadvantage.

My teen is the youngest, but I send her to help out my younger sister sometimes. She LOVES helping with bathtime, getting them into pj's, reading bedtime stories, etc...and I think it's so healthy for her. I send her to help because there's no one at home for her to help with, but I don't see a problem with teens helping with younger siblings, so long as it's helping and not parentifying.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:25 am

Chayalle wrote:

lucky sister! I think it’s better when it’s not their own siblings

amother

Yarrow

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:32 am

GLUE wrote:

What is normal for a 6 year old to do for 30 minutes on a school night?

I can't see 30 minutes straight, honestly. But maybe broken up - make bed in morning, set table, clear off their own spot at the table, put away their own laundry, clean up some of the toys/ books.

#BestBubby

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 11:35 am

GLUE wrote:

What is normal for a 6 year old to do for 30 minutes on a school night?

Hang up coat, put backpack in closet

After eating, put plate and cup in sink or garbage

Set table and help clear

Put away toys

Play with baby

Put clothes in hamper

If time, make bed in morning.

You know, be a mentch.

amother

Silver

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 6:48 pm

amother Freesia wrote:

As an teen,

I had to help take care of younger kids (feed them, give baths, do hair, hold babies, give bottles, change diapers) (not always and these weren't given to me as my own responsibilites but this is one way I enjoyed helping)
I had to keep my room clean
I had to do 1 cleaning job each week (vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms)
I had to help with cooking+cleanup for shabbos on Thursday nights
I had to contribute to household management like bringing in and putting away groceries, emptying garbage cans, clearing dinner table, setting the shabbos table

I am not sure if this sounds like a lot or not but one thing I do feel compelled to say is when your sons are home please divide up tasks evenly and don't treat them like they are on vacation and shouldn't be bothered. (Unfortunately this was my experience)

wow you did a lot! did you resent it at all? do you have your kids do the same?
interesting you say the last bit... I had a seminary teacher who said the opposite. she would let her boys relax when they came home since they were learning torah all day upholding the world, but have her daughters do cleaning etc. It never sat well with me but she said it with pride and I always felt guilty it didnt sit well with me

amother

Oleander

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 6:54 pm

amother Silver wrote:

Another person who greatly resented the inequality between boys and girls expectations. My parents and the seminary teachers who teach that are the ones responsible for the man babies who think they are g-d’s greatest gift to the world by existing and don’t take a part in the household no matter how much their wife is suffering

amother

Freesia

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 7:38 pm

amother Silver wrote:

I didn't resent the work. I resented that my brothers didn't have to contribute at all. I am honestly disturbed by what your seminary teacher said. Did you ever hear the story about Rav Gifter who went to a yungerman's house to take out the garbage for him....

It doesn't matter how much torah men/boys are learning. They are still part of the human existence and should act as such.

amother

Sun, Oct 29 2023, 10:05 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Keym. I also don't get do own laundry.

I also think it promotes selfishness, I only
Do for myself.

I want kids to do things for the whole family,
Not just take care of themselves.

I think them learning how to take care of themselves kills many birds in one shot

Teaching them if they need to take care of themselves before they take care of others

Teaching them the skills without overburdening them

chesed has its place too but there's a very fine line always worry about when it comes to teens and housework