I keep yelling at my dd :(

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 10 2023, 1:44 pm

It sounds like you are dealing with something that is slightly...more. Like there may be something more at play with her, Hashem made her different from everyone else. I hesitate to say neuro-typical, but we find out so much as we go on with life about our kids. She could have sensory issues, or ADD of some sort, something that is making her act out more, seek more comfort, etc....if you keep in mind that her behaviors are not coming from a bad place, but rather, from how Hashem made her, it can help you relate to her differently.

This doesn't mean she should get away with negative behavior, but I find that our kids pick up on how we relate to them. If you come to her from a place of understanding, she will subconsciously pick up on her attitude.

I wonder if it would be helpful to get her more attention from a different source, so that you don't get so depleted (and resort to yelling) and she gets what she needs. Sometimes a weekly session with a play therapist can do wonders for such a child, for their self-esteem. She would probably really benefit from more one-on-one attention.

You can also plan when you will give her attention, so that will empower you more and stress you less. Like if you could make time to sit with her a little at bedtime, maybe an upper-back rub to give her restful stimulation (I know that sounds paradoxical but it works, some kids really relax and it soothes their sensory overload) for a certain number of minutes, so she knows she's getting this from you but not more (OK, now Mommy has to go...) it might motivate her to move toward the bedtime routine. She will get those 10 minutes with you if she's ready by a certain time. And you give her your undivided attention during those minutes, make the most of it for her.

I just also want to comment that a child that age is not mature enough to apologize at the end of the day. She has no clue (and shouldn't - she's a child) that the sum total of her behaviors were difficult for you. She's not an adult yet. You can choose to have her apologize in the moment, if it works and if it's worth it, but don't expect apologies later on - she will have moved way past whatever it was, which is normal and age appropriate for her.

slinky

Sat, Nov 11 2023, 2:56 pm

OP I have a 7 year old daughter that is EXACTLY like this. She was evaluated and has a few labels adhd, sensory, emotional dysregulation.

I don't believe in labels much, she is extremely feeling and sensitive. I do take her to animal therapy and I'm waiting for a specific kind of OT for her but the biggest thing I have done for her is to take the sod haadam course. It gave me a clear understanding of her along with clear ways of dealing with her.
We definitely still have difficult times however overall she is bh doing amazing.

I highly recommend taking the course along with getting her evaluated so that you can get her the proper therapies if needed.

If you would like to know more or have any questions you can pm me.

amother

Razzmatazz

Sat, Nov 11 2023, 8:23 pm

OP, your posts are screaming "sensory" to me also. If not, then I'd guess ADHD.

And honestly, I know that people are saying that labels don't matter, but I honestly think that they do. You treat a disregulated kid with ADHD differently than you would a kid with sensory issues. And if she has both, that would be different too.

I have one kid who has ADHD and was like this at that age (but not with the sensory triggers that you mentioned). It was SO helpful to become educated about what ADHD is and how it affects kids, and to get information about techniques that help with his specific type of brain. He was an incredibly hard kid to raise...and is now a teenager, and I was so worried about this stage, but B"H we're in a very good place. He did have a couple of years of therapy in elementary school. And he did start meds at some point that helped so much. But a lot of it I think was just me knowing how to work WITH his brain instead of against it.

I have another kid who was overall pretty well behaved but would have these massive meltdowns and behavior issues that were seemingly triggered by nothing. He also really gave me a hard time with bedtime, and in the summer whenever we tried doing water play, and a few other things. Finally, a teacher suggested it might be sensory-related.

I went to get him evaluated and she said he 100% has sensory issues. I was skeptical (doesn't ever OT think that every kid has sensory issues?), so she said "Does he have a hard time showering? How about in the sprinkler?" and I had been there the whole time and he hadn't mentioned those things at at all...And I just said "How on earth do you know???" She said that this type of sensory aversion gets triggered by that type of touch, and that he was such a good kid that he could probably hold it in most of the time, but if a kid bumped into him in the hall or at recess it would be a MAJOR trigger for him. We worked with her to desensitize him, but besides that it was so much easier to know where the problem stemmed from. He started taking baths instead of showers and bedtime became a breeze. We did certain exercises before haircuts (which had been another trigger--again, sensory), and suddenly they went so much more smoothly.

Sorry, all of that to say that it really might be helpful to get her evaluated by someone who can tease out what is causing the issues and help you address them at their root. I felt like an awful mother, like I was always yelling, and I worked SO hard not to yell. But I was working hard in the wrong direction. (It's always good to work on not yelling, but once we addressed the issues, it wasn't such a struggle.)

I really hope this helps...

ETA Both kids are teens (or one is almost a teen) and B"H are thriving. I have no idea what they'd be like if I hadn't identified the issue and helped them with it in elementary school...I'm so grateful that Hashem helped me figure it out.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sat, Nov 11 2023, 8:32 pm

slinky wrote:

I’m about to take that course and have a 3 YO like this. What should I keep my eyes open for?

#BestBubby

Sat, Nov 11 2023, 9:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Younger elementary. I don’t know why this particular child knows how to get to me like this. She will literally yell to wake up the baby, fight with the other siblings physically (starting up), ignore all requests for homework, bath time, go to sleep… I know she is sensitive and needs a ton of love but when she is acting so self- centered and harming those around her I just lose it on the tenth round and trying to calmly get her to stop. I yell. I say mean things like that is babyish behavior and no one will want to hang out with you if this is how you act. Tonight I picked her up and did not allow her into her bedroom because she was waking up the child who sleeps with her. I’m ashamed of the parent I become to this child. I feel like I just get so upset and I can understand why some parents smack their kids. Or maybe my yelling is worse Sad

Yes, I usually apologize when things calm down. But at the end of the day she never apologizes.
I know she’s sensitive.
I know she needs tons of love, way more than the others (but I can’t do things at their expense!)
I know she’s passionate and angers quickly.
She also seems to be way more self conscious.
I try so hard to tell her I love her and compliment as much as I can.

What’s everyone’s take? How do I deal with this? I want a good relationship and I want her to be comfortable in her skin. I want her to be kind and considerate to others. I just feel like whatever I do isn’t enough, and I break before I get there.

I am a SEIT. You need a behavior plan.

But you cannot work on so many behaviors at the same time.

Pick 2 behaviors that are most important, like not waking baby or physically fighting with sibs.

Give 1 point for every day No waking baby
And 1 point for every day No physical hurting.

And if DD does 3 days in a row of no fighting or waking, her points double.

DD likes gifts,let her earn them with good behavior.