Dd 12 wants a phone

amother

Opal

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 4:33 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes I've spoken to her. She says but the whole class has one and if you don't want me to have one, you shouldn't have put me in this school.

I agree with her.

amother

Cadetblue

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 5:48 am

If everyone else has one then no question you should get her one. It can be really damaging to her self-esteem and social life, as well as her relationship with you, to be the only one left out. It’s an unfair position for you to be put in but like your dd said this is the school you chose to send her to. So now you just need to accept it.

I would not get her a phone with internet access, and I would limit who she can text to only family and her friends/classmates.

I don’t think texting is so bad per se, the only problem for me at that age would be starting the habit early of spending a lot of time with technology and losing out of certain aspects of childhood that should still be enjoyed. But if all of her friends have moved onto that stage then it’s only right she does too.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 6:21 am

I have girls around that age. Why do they need texting? I’ve heard stories of kids texting the wrong person and it’s so embarrassing!
Do you have a computer you can monitor? Can you get her a google voice number so she can get texts, but anyone can see them? If she refuses then it’s a major red flag.

singleagain

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 6:38 am

When I was a child back in the 90s I used to fax my best friend every night. We were sending multiple faxes a night. Back and forth. No different than texts.

When I was 14 my mother against her original plan let me watch friends bc all of my classmates would talk about it.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice your principles for your child

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 7:11 am

amother Opal wrote:

I agree with her.

For the people telling me I shouldn't have chosen this school. Honestly 9 yrs ago I don't think the 7 graders had phones. Even now, the grade above my daughter, the girls don't all have. For some reason it's my daughter's class that all have.

amother

Chicory

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 7:19 am

Get her the phone as you have verified that everyone in her class has one and they all communicate with them.

I am older so no cell phones when I was that age but all my friends were constantly on the phone all night with each other because that it the nature of female adolescent relationships, We didn't have group phone calls but as soon as we got off the phone with one friend, we would call another friend to discuss. Smile

If you make sure that she does her homework, then don't make her be the odd one out in her social group by missing out on all of the important chatter that is taking place.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 7:57 am

Unfortunately, cellphones became a thing with covid. Once kids started using it for "school" purposes, it became that much harder to take it away. I had more kids than landlines. They were all using phones at the same time! It made more sense for me to give them a "kosherphone" as opposed to giving them my smartphone.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 8:23 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

1000 percent I would never get her a smart phone. No one in her class even has one. The all have kosher phones with just text and calls.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 11:32 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

Au contraire....I think it can do so much to bolster their self-esteem when they are separate from the pack because of their principles. Our children are different from their peers in several ways and they are so strong and proud in holding firm to their/our ideals. They still have plenty of friends.

amother

Cadetblue

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 11:57 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Except it’s not her principles, it’s her parents. There’s a difference.

Being the only one left out because her parents don’t want her having a phone is not going to help her self-esteem. It’s most likely just going to cause her to feel resentment towards her parents and their ideals.

lucky14

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 11:58 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Maybe this worked for you but it very often backfires.

It does not sound at all like OPs daughter is proud for being the only one without a phone.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 12:02 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

Obviously it doesn't start out as the child's principles. Believe it or not, with education, children can reach a point of embracing and appreciating their parents' principles.

amother

IndianRed

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 12:19 pm

Def speak to the principal. But really you aren’t left with choices- if it’s true that all or majority of the girls have phones, then it’s a problem if you don’t get her one. She’ll
Either get depressed feeling left out or she’ll get one behind your back as soon as she’s able to- & Mayb it won’t be a flip phone. Explain to her your thoughts on it, & tell her you trust her. Try to separate her from that group
For high-school if you feel
They aren’t up
To your standards. Hatzlacha! Not an easy decision.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 12:31 pm

OP Either get her a phone or app on the computer e.g Textnow /Google Voice.
Speak to her that you are doing it coz you don't want her to feel left out and Halachicly it's not a problem having a phone. But if all her friends are to have something you hold isn't correct Halachicly you aren't going to give in.

Let her know it's not to be used during meals/family time &after bed time and if there is something so urgent her friends can call during those times.
If you feel the need she should know from the beginning you will be able to look at it when needed.

If you don't get her one I won't be surprised if she starts doing extra babysitting to earn money to buy one behind your back. Teens feel horrible if they are not included.

amother

Cadetblue

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 12:31 pm

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Obviously it doesn't start out as the child's principles. Believe it or not, with education, children can reach a point of embracing and appreciating their parents' principles.

Usually not when it’s done via restrictive or forced behavior. More often than not a child will resent their parents principles and choose a different path.

I think in this specific scenario it would be unfair and detrimental to OPs daughter to prevent her from having a phone.