Doing the things u don't let your kids do

amother

Alyssum

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:35 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

Yes I agree with you and I’m aware
The thing is that I am very comfortable with my values
I’m ok with them doing these things if and when they decide they want to
I don’t feel shame for relaxing with Netflix at night. I am very comfortable with my choices
I have no problem with them making their own choices at a later time
As young children though, they need to get baseline values, just like I did at their age. I have a deep connection and reverence to Yiddishkeit and Torah. I don’t need other things interfering.
I’m also aware that it’s 2023 and not the 1990s, early 00s, which is when I grew up, and the difference is tremendous!!

You have a good outlook.

Just curious, what are your values? Is this a yiddishkeit thing? Is it about how screen time affects development? Why not allow them to listen to non-Jewish music?

belovedaz

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:41 am

I have double standards all the time. I don't let eating on the couch but I drink my coffee there every day. I don't let nosh after supper but I can ravage the pantry late at night. I dont let screen time on school nights but I sometimes sit on my phone for a couple hours at night. But I don't let them see this!
My oldest is 9 so times change as they grow. Now my house is quiet by about 8.45. As they get older and are around all hours of the night I'm going to havta change habits.

amother

Sand

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:45 am

As someone whose parents did this, it is hard for the kids. It really is sending mixed messages. I get that you have all these reasons it’s ok for you and not for them, but it’s hard for kids to fully understand that. If, as you say, you really wouldn’t mind them doing the same things when they’re older, make sure they know that. But if some part of you still thinks it’s not good for them…that’s confusing. And teens do get a lot of the same privileges as adults. They do. That’s just the way it works now.

bigsis144

Thu, Nov 23 2023, 10:51 am

When I was growing up, my father always said, “there’s yes, no, and not yet. ‘Not yet’ means ‘yes, but not now’.”

He would joke that I wouldn’t be allowed to watch certain things “until I was a Bubby”. Like OP said, a lot of it was framed as kids being more impressionable, like wet cement, and so having more limited exposure during this phase of our lives would strengthen us for when we were grown.

If you avoid listening to foul language in your formative years, for example, you will have the inner resilience to occasionally hear it as an adult, whether in the real world or in media, without being as likely to repeat it.

amother

Sat, Nov 25 2023, 9:29 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

You have a good outlook.

Just curious, what are your values? Is this a yiddishkeit thing? Is it about how screen time affects development? Why not allow them to listen to non-Jewish music?

I do not listen to non Jewish music neither do my kids...
Wow definitely lots of dbl standard here... Hmmmm

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 7:48 am

amother OP wrote:

I do not listen to non Jewish music neither do my kids...
Wow definitely lots of dbl standard here... Hmmmm

I asked a different poster. It wasn't directed towards you.

I am trying to understand what her values are if she shelters them when they are young but doesn't mind what they are exposed to when they are older.

What double standard are you referring to?

amother

Seashell

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 8:25 am

I agree with everyone that certain things are not a problem because you are the adult and they are a child, and for a lot of things it’s a question about age appropriateness and maturity. I wouldn’t let my kids watch or listen to things inappropriate for their age just because I watch/listen.

That being said, if the restrictions are coming purely from a “frum” place- as in you don’t let them listen to non-Jewish music because you would like them to live a certain lifestyle and not because the songs are inappropriate, then yes I think it’s hypocritical. We are parents and we lead by example. If I want my kids to grow up in a kosher house then I can’t be eating non-kosher. If I want my kids to not watch movies and be more sheltered, then I can’t watch movies.

I get wanting them to be better than you and not make mistakes you did but you can’t preach what you don’t practice, just saying. And kids will see right through it and eventually come to resent the things you are trying to instill in them, because it’s not coming at them in a healthy way.

amother

Viola

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 8:26 am

amother White wrote:

Good to know, thanks. Does giggling in response to discipline fit with that?

My son who is now 5 with severe adhd was like this from the time he could do anything. We still have a hard time disiplining him and have him in behavior therapy and it has helped.

amother

Hibiscus

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:06 am

So I know I have a double standard.

I grew up in a more modern household and still have a yetzer hara for the stuff I saw/listened to growing up.

Haven't listened to non-Jewish music for years, but I can't say that if music that I loved as a kid was playing somewhere I wouldn't sit and enjoy it.

I have been fighting for years against watching youtube vidoes of the stuff I loved as a kid. I don't think it's right. I would like to stop. I've stopped for months at a time, and then I get stressed out and binge watch once and it's an impossible battle again. None of this is in front of the kids, but I feel so hypocritical about it.

I think that besides being fine if it's "not yet" it's also fine if you admit for yourself that it's wrong, that you don't want to, but that it's a struggle for you and you don't want your kids to struggle like you do. If someone struggles with alcoholism or drug abuse, and has been fighting the addiction for years, but they don't let their kids near alcohol or drugs and do these things behind their backs, are they a hypocrit? Or are they just looking out for their kids and want a better life for them? I think it's the latter. And even if you're against these things for spiritual reasons, I think it's okay if you're admitting to yourself that you should'nt be doing it either and are trying really hard to stop, one step at a time.

Just my two cents.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Nov 26 2023, 9:09 am

amother White wrote:

Good to know, thanks. Does giggling in response to discipline fit with that?

Giggling can indicate that the child is not convinced their parent is capable of holding limits for them. The child will feel a need to keep pushing until they feel that security.

Discipline, as in talking to and/or punishing a 2 year old after the behavior, does nothing to hold a limit. She wants to know: can you actually stop her? What this kind of discipline does do is show her how easily she can upset her parents and how much they really want her to do something that they can't make her do. This can be an uncomfortable amount of power for a toddler, hence giggling.