My daughter cursed at me :(

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Nov 28 2023, 4:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

She has been on meds for years and is currently in therapy and not talking. We are very supportive and loving with her and doing whatever we can as parents ro put up with the nastiness and get her the help she needs.

I do feel that we have been enabling her to speak the way she does to us...it's more complicated than it seems. She plays victim and manipulates the conversation and is extremely defiant and rude. This is not typical teenage behavior. It is exacerbated by her anxiety and ODD. She said what she said tonight to me and to get a reaction from me. We are obviously not grounding her for life but she did cross a red line with what she said and in the way she said it.

I’m speaking as a child abuse survivor and in my eyes the way you are approaching the topic is essentially harmful to your relationship with your daughter. Up until now, you see that it isn’t a good way to approach this. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking for advice. Therefore, I highly suggest you change your attitude around this.

1.“We have been enabling her” - change this to “we should be modeling positive behavior to her”
Example: instead of blaming her, calmly tell her what is the right way to respond.
Are you modelling respectful behavior to her? Often times, our children are mirrors of ourselves, they are the best example of what we’ve taught them in terms of how to speak.
2. “Her anxiety and ODD” - if she really has a mental issue, you need to stop getting triggered by her and not let your emotions feed on to anything she says. Stop assuming she’s saying them at you. As other posters have commented, she is venting teenage energy out. It’s not against you in any way. Especially if she is struggling or suffering, because that’s what a mental issue is at the end of the day, you need to have compassion and not take things so personal.
3. “She plays victim and manipulates the conversation” This was the hardest one to hear for me and I pray that you stop viewing your daughter in such a light immediately and have some compassion. The sooner you can realize she is not doing this against you, the better and sooner a good outcome in the future.
You need to have more positive interactions with your daughter, to provide her with space, to not react to every little thing, to give her the benefit of the doubt, to see the goodness in her that does exist and not blame everything on “ODD” or other issues. It’s very easy to see you are getting stuck with her in fights but the only way to clear up the dynamic is to not force her or act in force towards her, especially with regards to punishment without her understanding that you still love her and care for her and respect her despite her struggles. Even if she has a mental issue she is working on, there are so many ways you can improve the relationship for the better, and it boils down to how you are viewing her and these issues and your ability to not get triggered. Good luck