How to help dd respect authority

amother

Sun, Dec 03 2023, 10:37 pm

DD is 14 years old. She’s generally respectful and easy going.
She just has this subtle thing that seems to be getting worse as she grows older.
She doesn’t like when teachers pressure her with studying and homework. School is fine until she HAS to do something. Then she becomes angry and resentful and speaks badly of the teacher.

Her camp complained that she has a fun camp personality but she never wanted to participate in sports activities. She wanted to hang out on the side with some friends while the rest of the bunk played. Although she loves swimming, she never wanted to swim in camp when she was told to get ready for swimming activity.

When I tell her to get ready for bed at night she completely ignores me. Tonight she told me that I have to learn that I can’t tell a teenager to go to sleep.

Basically she is a fun and happy child but she doesn’t want to listen to authority.
This is becoming worse with time and I don’t know what to do.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Dec 03 2023, 11:54 pm

What you describe, to me sounds like she has respect. It sounds more like you'd like her much more obedient.

At her age, I think it age appropriate to lay off tight reigns over bedtime.

And I don't know that obedience to the degree you are aiming for is highly desired. It comes at a price. It is good to learn to think for yourself and be true to yourself.

Also, with school work, its normal. You can try to explain the benefits to her but don't stress your relationship over it.

Its just my opinion, in hindsight, from my experience raising them at that age.

amother

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 12:19 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I was and am a lot like that.

You don’t like anyone to tell you what to do?
Do you have a job?
Do you clean your house?

My DD does not like to be told to clean her room. Everything she wears or uses ends up on the floor. Every drawer she opens- stays open. Her things are all over the house. I have other children and they are not neat at all but this DD does not want to be told EVER about putting things away.

She knows how to sew on a sewing machine. She will proudly show me all her creative creations she sews but will never fix a garment for anyone if they ask. She cannot handle having to do things that people ask her or expect her to do.

Please tell me how you got through your adolescent years if you never wanted to be told what to do.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 12:29 am

amother OP wrote:

My personality is like that but I’m a mature woman so the above examples don’t resonate. Yes BH I have a job (a career actually) but I like to do things that make sense to me, not just because I’m told to Do them (like meetings and endless documentation is really hard for me and I find myself pushing back) Im a Person who’s self motivated (meaning: or motivate by what others do, don’t do or say) and that’s just my Makeup. I don’t think it’s a bad thing: as a matter of fact I think it’s one of my best traits

amother

Holly

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 12:30 am

[quote="[url=https://www.imamother.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=7303918#7303918][b][color=black]

Please tell me how you got through your adolescent years if you never wanted to be told what to do.[/quote]

There are natural consequences that come when things aren’t done

I’m here to help you, but if you don’t want reminders ok - but things will still happen

Dirty clothes on the floor? Won’t make it to the load
Open drawers? Younger kids may touch
Late bedtime ? No excuse note for lateness aside one that says she missed her bedtime

About school and camp - same what are the consequences??

I HATE being told to clean my house. I do it cause then the floor becomes crusty

I HATED working for others and being told what to do - so now I run my own agency

There’s plus sides to it - don’t fight it

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 1:45 am

Have an open conversation with her about it.
DD if you get a job in an office and the boss tells you to do x, what will happen? You'll refuse. Ok. Then what will happen? You'll lose the job. Then what will happen? You won't have any money. Then what will happen? etc.

Explain to her calmly and unemotionally that everyone, at some point, has to take instruction from other people. The trick is to do it with grace. Even friends don't like it when one of the group won't do what other people suggest.

Every person has a nisayon, this is yours. I want you to work on not feeling resentment when people ask you to do something. In exchange, I'll try not to tell you too often.

You could point out as well גדול המצווה ועושה ממי שאינו מצווה ועושה it's natural to not want to do what you're told - that's why you get more reward for doing something you are told to do than for doing something you were not told to do.

But it's part of being a frum yid - doing what you're told. Keeping Torah and mitzvos. Kibud Horim umorim.

If she's mature, she'll hear what you're saying. Then leave it up to her to deal with.

amother

Springgreen

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 10:01 pm

I know what you mean OP. I have a shidduch for your daughter. My son who also doesn't like to listen when told or asked to do things. If we do ask him to do something he says ok in a minute or whenever he finally decides to do it, it's like he can't do it right away because then he's listening to us. And he can't bring himself to listen.

amother

Oatmeal

Mon, Dec 04 2023, 10:59 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

My husband is exactly the same!!