13 yr old dd ignored me

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Orange

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:39 pm

You're leaving so much out of the post that it's hard to judge.
Is she specifically not doing it because she wants to challenge your authority? Is she just busy doing other things and doesn't want to do it right now?
You said it so yourself. You didn't grow up in a normal home. Don't try to replicate what you grew up with because long term it will hurt your relationship with your daughter.
She's 13. She's trying to find her place. Suggest it and leave her be. If she wants to stay up late to do it, then let her stay up late.

flowerpower

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:49 pm

Welcome to the mom of teenage years! She will not do what you ask many more times. Choose your requests wisely.

Bleemee

Wed, Dec 13 2023, 9:56 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Welcome to the mom of teenage years! She will not do what you ask many more times. Choose your requests wisely.

TwinsMommy

Thu, Dec 14 2023, 9:21 pm

My daughter is almost 17. At 13 I was still packing all her lunches. Around 14-15, I started making her do it herself 4 out of 5 days a week but one day a week she's allowed to ask me (nicely) to do it. She has a HUGE problem doing ANYTHING because she's SUPER lazy (and a bit coddled, it would seem!)

If she's DOING IT, just not right when you ask her....... I call it a win.

amother

Copper

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 4:55 am

amother Fuchsia wrote:

The consequence is she has no lunch.

Wow that’s harsh. I’m happy my mother wasn’t like that when I was a teen.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 5:13 am

amother Copper wrote:

Wow that’s harsh. I’m happy my mother wasn’t like that when I was a teen.

Why is that harsh. She isn't 5. 13 is old enough to make your own lunch and if not you simply don't have one.

Chayalle

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:05 am

At a certain age, I'm not even involved with whether my teen is making her lunch, and when...it's kinda up to her. This age can vary a bit by the teen, capability, maturity, etc...but the teen years are when they slowly transition to being adults and responsible for themselves.
My teen (15) is in charge of her own schedule and I'm not involved at all. I have no idea what she does for lunch, beyond making sure there are foods she likes in the fridge/freezer.

Also, about our children listening to us, at a certain age we shouldn't be directing them anymore (because if we do, we will clash with their independence and cause them not to listen to us. And because that independence they are developing is important.)
I still do ask DD to take her various shoes up to her room, or the living room will turn into a shoe store, but she sometimes listens, and sometimes "forgets". Or I say something about her room getting cleaned up and laundry put away, and it happens, sometimes sooner, sometimes later....
It's like I have a choice when I want to do certain household tasks....no one is on top of me. That's the direction she's heading. It's supposed to be this way.

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:09 am

flowerpower wrote:

Welcome to the mom of teenage years! She will not do what you ask many more times. Choose your requests wisely.

Loved this post.

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:11 am

amother OP wrote:

I was brought up that not doing as you’re told right away is chutzpah so that’s how I am viewing this. How should I view it?

That sounds like an ego problem. Kids need to listen to parents, but they don’t need to be puppets that jump when you say jump.
Understand that they want some authority over themselves and their time as well. Especially as a teenager! Respect her as a person and she’ll respect you as a person

amother

Wheat

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:17 am

amother OP wrote:

I was brought up that not doing as you’re told right away is chutzpah so that’s how I am viewing this. How should I view it?

I was raised like you were, and it took alot of parenting classes and work on my part to undo some of that. To realize my kids were created b'tzelem elokim and are not my personal property. To realize that happy children/teens develop into healthy adults. To value my relationship with my teens and to raise people, not soldiers.

giftedmom

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 6:21 am

amother OP wrote:

That she didn’t do what I asked when I asked. Am I being too harsh? Didn’t grow up in a normal family so not sure

Yes

chanatron1000

Fri, Dec 15 2023, 9:19 am

amother Marigold wrote:

Of course it's horrible. It's called a consequence of not making food. It's her choice if she wants to make the food or not. I personally don't think you stepping in with other food to "save her" from her choices is helpful.

Either you treat her like an adult, and you don't have to dictate exactly when she prepares the lunch, or you treat her like a child, and you're still ultimately responsible for making sure she has food.

amother

Marigold

Sat, Dec 16 2023, 11:54 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

I agree

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