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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
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amother
Hunter
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 Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:39 am
To me, though, it doesn't matter if it's controlling. Unless it's part of a larger picture of a controlling MIL where I need to set firmer boundaries, I don't care if she oversteps in this issue. It's relatively harmless.
I am willing to hold boundaries in things that matter, but I don't know why EVERY boundary needs to be upheld. I don't think that they always lead to more.
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WhatFor
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 12:42 am
| amother OP wrote: |
It actually is hard for me to shop, and MIL knows that so she offers to be “nice” but also to get her way. Like “Were you planning on Esti wearing this to the bar mitzvah? Yeah? Well I saw this goooorgeous outfit the other day, why don’t I take Esti to go try it on and you can rest, dear?”
Then I feel stuck and ungrateful because she’s doing me a favor by getting her a new outfit…but I also don’t want a new outfit. |
If your mil is actually controlling/manipulative then disregard the following. If she just thinks she's a fashionista and really wants to dress your kids in fashion, then is there any way you can win from this? What would happen if you said, "I actually really love this outfit for the bar mitzvah. If you wanted to get her something else, I might be open to it. Can you send me a link to what you had in mind?" If you don't like it, then explain what features you don't like, and act open to other suggestions, while affirming that right now you prefer the one you bought. Maybe she'd actually find something fashionable you like.
Like what would she respond if she showed you a pair of shorts and you said, "Thank you for the generous offer but I really don't like putting him in shorts in the winter." Would she start listening to you or would she just get them anyway?
I'm only suggesting this as a way for you to maximize the situation for your benefit, and only if she isn't actually the controlling/hypercritical type. I'm not clear if the problem is partly you not asserting yourself, and her underestimating how much you dislike this, or if she's just a controlling person in general.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 2:59 am
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She sounds controlling, condescending, and annoying!!! I have similar. For regular clothes I think you can for sure do what you want as long as your kids aren't big enough to care. For simchas, I don't know what to tell you. My MIL B"H doesn't ask in advance what we're wearing. I'm sure she'd choose differently. Maybe you can let her buy something new but she can also compromise on the style. It sounds like it's not that all grandkids are wearing the same thing. If it were, I'd probably go along with it. She wants to dress your baby up a certain way. I think it is well within your rights to say "You know I prefer a more traditional style and I'm not comfortable having my baby wear that." It's perfectly reasonable to prefer traditional/less trendy clothing. Everyone doesn't have to be trendy!
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amother
Brown
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:09 am
What?!
I strongly disagree with those saying that OP should just let mil buy, it makes her happy, she wants to see her grandkids wearing certain fashion, etc.
MIL had her time to dress her own kids.
To me, it sounds like she's overstepping. Big time.
This isn't a sweet offer. It's pushy.
She wants to gift OP money that she can use and enjoy to dress her grandkids? Amazing. Pushing her own wants on OP? Not ok.
OP's kids aren't her MIL's playthings to be dressed as she wishes. They're her grandchildren who she can love and adore and spoil...within boundaries that her son and dil define.
Yes, this comes from a place of having a mil who also oversteps. Over the years, I learned how to stand up for myself.
We don't have to bow down to every whim of our mils in the name of 'respect.'
I truly believe that grandparents need to respect their children's wishes, too regarding their grandchildren and in general...
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:09 am
Pick and choose your battles
Fashion matters to her
She is your MIL and bubby to your kids
She is offering to buy and gift wardrobe
Accept graciously
(If you can’t stand something like shorts in winter then say so it doesn’t have to be a battle royale)
Also sounds like this is in part her way of building her relationships with you and the kids
Love language gifts
Go for it
Hatzlocha
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:13 am
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While you don’t have to let her…why not? She wants to go out and treat her eineklach
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amother
Hunter
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:17 am
OP, are you concerned that this will lead to more boundaries breached? That if you let her decide what the kids wear at the Bar Mitzvah she will start making further absurd demands?
If so, then politely hold this boundary firm.
If this is the extent of her meddling, you can safely choose to roll your eyes inwardly and let her buy the clothing she wants for your kids.
You CAN fight it, but if it's not likely to lead to anything worse, it may not be worth risking good MIL and grandchild relationships over.
Yes I understand that you have preferences about clothing, but is it really so terrible if they are sometimes not dressed according to your tastes?
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amother
Lawngreen
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:34 am
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But I don't think OP will just be disappointed that she doesn't love the clothing. It's MIL saying "You are wrong for not dressing in fashion! What's the matter with you??!! Here, let me show you how to do it right." And that's annoying. And condescending and obnoxious. OP can still let her do it because really who cares, but I don't think it's so simple. I want to feel like I am who I am and I'm not "wrong." And the way I present myself and my young children is an extension of that. If she gets the new outfit for the bar mitzvah, it's like she let MIL "fix" her. It's just annoying.
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DrMom
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:49 am
To all those taking the "oh, she's a bubble who enjoys dressing up her grandkids" angle:
You are ignoring the fact that she also wants to dress up her DIL. That to me is the sign that this is about control, and not about showering presents and attention on her cute grandkids.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 3:57 am
| DrMom wrote: | To all those taking the "oh, she's a bubble who enjoys dressing up her grandkids" angle:
You are ignoring the fact that she also wants to dress up her DIL. That to me is the sign that this is about control, and not about showering presents and attention on her cute grandkids. |
Well OP said she know MIL would love to, but not that MIL is necessarily pressing that point or that OP feels particularly pressured by that point. But it seems like MIL feels more free to actually pressure OP about the kiddos' clothing, and OP does feel pressured and unsure about that. I don't think it's necessarily about "control" as much as it is about fixing them. Meaning she doesn't necessarily want to be the one to choose their clothes. She just wants them to be "right" to her. She can't believe that someone doing something against her taste can also be "right."
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 4:10 am
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Lot of assumptions going on here and stories attached which may or may not be at all accurate and reflective of reality
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imasinger
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 4:28 am
When my friend takes younger family members (teens) shopping, they have a deal. She has to like it, and they have to like it.
The same plan could work here
If MIL does take the kids shopping, could she text you pics of her intended purchase for your approval before she buys?
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B'Syata D'Shmya
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 9:50 am
| amother OP wrote: | | MIL doesn’t like the way I or my kids dress. So she often offers to take me and kids shopping. Which is coming from a good place, but do I have to accept? One one hand I feel like it’s really rude not to accept gifts, on the other I feel like it’s kind of manipulative. Because now I have to get what she likes, since she’s paying. |
Take the receipt and return what you don't like. Win-win...
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amother
DarkOrange
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:08 am
| B'Syata D'Shmya wrote: | | Take the receipt and return what you don't like. Win-win... |
Because we know the frum stores have such generous return policies
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amother
Hyssop
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 10:11 am
| amother DarkOrange wrote: | | Because we know the frum stores have such generous return policies |
She can return for store credit or exchange it for something she likes. She didn't spend the money on it anyways, she's not losing anything.
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amother
Poinsettia
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 6:27 pm
I don’t get why it has to be a big deal. Let her buy what she wants and tell her in advance your preferences - “please make sure stretchies aren’t too tight, I like them lose and comfortable looking” not everything needs to be a whole federal case, save your energy and let her knock herself out dressing your kids. Let it go and be gracious about it!
Always remember - sometimes it simply boils down to you can be right or you can be happy.
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amother
Violet
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Mon, Jan 08 2024, 6:33 pm
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