Afraid to talk, Afraid not to

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 6:13 am

amother Maize wrote:

Its terrifying to see our own child making a huge mistake.
Would you reach out to someone for yourself?
If your own terror is taken care of you will be able to be there for her more.

OP your daughter is a smart young lady, and she was raised by you, so you know you can trust her good sense.

If she is with this guy she is looking for something. You even know what she is looking for.

Please deal with your own emotions so that you can put them aside and be the listening ear that your friends' kids come to you for. It is beyond painful to be the child of the best listener in your community yet know that your parent is there for everyone other than yourself.

Your daughter probably even knows that she is making a mistake but she is waiting for you to step up to the plate, and be there for her like you are there for everyone else. Something that you can't do if you don't get a grip on yourself.

Please get yourself the help that you need and if you can't be the mom she needs find someone who can do it right (without reporting back to you) and ask them to step in.

-signed, a daughter of a mother who isn't one

amother

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 6:45 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

The start of this thread was that I want to "step up to the plate," but don't want to do it wrong. So you can assume that I want to be there for her and am.

I also had a mother like that so I get where you are coming from and the scars. But like many people who lived through that, probably including you, I have made a point of being different than my mother and always being there for my kids. It's just a question, in this instance, of how.

amother

Oleander

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 7:54 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't know how to start. Needless to say, she knows I have issues but she is not really thinking about them bc she is having fun. This is not who she usually is and I am terrified she will wake up one day, sooner rather than later, married to someone with whom she can not have the life she still says she wants.

As long as you brought up the issues, stated clearly and explicitly why you personally would not be "having fun" with such a person for whatever reasons you have, then you have done your part and you can't really do more. Maybe you can repeat your concerns a second time in a few weeks, but after that, there's not much you can do. It's her life and her mistakes to make.
If her behavior is putting her in immediate danger, for example drugs, drinking, or sx, then you can intervene more aggressively. But it sounds like she is hanging out and building an connection with someone who is emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually not on her level. She's going to have to make her own mistakes.
Just be there for her so that if she does end up seeing red flags, she won't feel embarrassed or ashamed to turn to you even if she didn't listen to your advice.

amother

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 8:00 am

amother Maize wrote:

Its terrifying to see our own child making a huge mistake.
Would you reach out to someone for yourself?
If your own terror is taken care of you will be able to be there for her more.

It's a good idea but not sure of who. I am talking a bit to a friend but I don't like to bother people. I am a widow so dh isn't here.
I can't afford a professional, and I know there are programs w financial aid but I couldn't find, apply and start quickly enough to do any good.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 9:00 am

amother OP wrote:

I saw that and understood that you want to step up to the plate.

But I think you need to redefine that as working through your own emotions rather than somehow telling her to leave him/ warning her of the mistake.

When she feels that she is safe to speak to you, that you are clear of your own baggage, then she will speak to you. She can't and won't do that so long as you haven't worked through your own issues. She feels those issues, she senses the block you have.

Good luck. Heart

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 9:02 am

amother Latte wrote:

One thing to ask yourself… are you sure this isn’t a good relationship for her? Do you have a sounding board (friend/relative/therapist) that you can talk to for a reality check?

I also thought of that but I think once OP works through her issues the question of whether she is viewing the relationship right will become less pressing.

She will be more able to see the relationship and her daughter will be more able to speak to her, and together they will figure it out.

amother

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 9:19 am

Somehow this has turned into something that is in my head. I assure you it isn't. I am not overreacting and I don't have "issues" regarding this. There is an objective problem and a good chance that if she marries him she will Chas v shalom regret it as soon as the bloom is off the rose. I would be delighted to talk to someone about this but there is not much time. I was just hoping for an approach to talk to her.

I understand that I haven't said what the problem is. But I hoped that the imamothers would trust me when I say it is serious and not second guess.

On that note, unfollowing. W a few exceptions (truly thank you maize!) you have made things worse.

amother

Butterscotch

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 11:05 am

amother OP wrote:

No I don't think the problem in their relationship is in your head. I believe you that it is 100% real.

At the same time you cannot help her until you have helped yourself. Your feelings mean that you are not objective or able to help her properly. You can't see things from her perspective if you are seeing them from yours.

Good luck.

#BestBubby

Sun, Dec 31 2023, 11:40 am

Work on improving your relationship with her.

Go out to eat, go shopping,

Also more family activities, board games, baking, bowling, arcades

The closer DD is to parents and family, the better.

This will cost $$ but it's worth it.

amother

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 4:46 am

#BestBubby wrote:

We already do this.

She and I are very close and she is close with her sibs.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 5:12 am

Is she dating this person in order to get married? It sounds like she is a young adult looking to get married from your replies.
If thats the case, I would sit down with a rav or mentor and talk it over and express your concerns.
You are being very vague so its hard for us to guide you in the way you need.

ra_mom

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 5:13 am

amother OP wrote:

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B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Jan 14 2024, 5:27 am

amother OP wrote:

We already do this.

She and I are very close and she is close with her sibs.

It truly sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. Good for you!!

Life is weird, Hashem sends all kinds of nisyanos. It could be there is more to the boy than you see right now. When I married dh, he was sooo much more "modern" than me. Sooo many people approached me in wonder how I can "fall" for such a guy. His family was 180 degrees opposite of mine. (BTW they told him the same thing you are feeling - how can he fall for such a frum girl, he used to only date girls the opposite of me on sooo many levels).
And today he has become so much more frum than me. He always wanted more but couldnt under his parents home.
I think of Yaakov being punished for hiding Dina from Esav, look it up if you dont know the medrash.
Yishai thought Dovid Hamelech wasnt even worth presenting to Shmuel Hanavi.
Kalbiah Savua didnt think Rabbi Akiva was worthy of his Rachel etc etc

Keep your close relationship with dd, never criticize her 'boyfriend", ever, ever. Bite your tongue till it bleeds if you have to.
I know it looks bad to you now now, but Elokim Gadol. Yeshuas Hashem KeHeref Ayin.
Daven,
I will also.

Your dd is worth davening for.