I'm a narcissist - AMA

amother

Tiffanyblue

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 7:26 am

from experience go for CBT and dbt to see real results.

You sound so self aware, and humble

Hardly a narcissistic trait Very Happy

giftedmom

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 7:38 am

Op I just want to acknowledge that scared little girl in you. She deserves better. You are doing to her what your mother did to her. You’re calling yourself a rotten horrible good for nothing. It’s time to stand up to the voice of your mother in your head and give yourself compassion. You deserve it. You deserve gentleness, respect, and love. You are good, even when you don’t act like it or believe it.

amother

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 9:19 am

giftedmom wrote:

Thank you!!!! You made me feel so good!!

amother

Thistle

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 10:08 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

True At least this is my experience with my narc sister. She can't take blame for anything because she wouldn't know how, nothing was ever her fault growing up.
Me on the other hand? Everything was always my fault, I was never good enough. if I accept blame I'm sort of agreeing with my parents of how terrible a person I am. That's trauma.

See the difference?

I know things sometimes look really good for the golden child, but they often come out the most messed up of all. The scapegoated kids learn to not rely on their abusive parents who won't give them things anyway, they therefore learn life skills, and they have the best chance of breaking free from the narcissistic family dynamic. The golden child is usually the most enmeshed and reliant on their toxic parents. They are never truly secure because they see how their parents treat the other siblings and they have to constantly prove their worthiness to justify their status, often by also scapegoating their siblings.

The narcissistic parent doesn't love them and they feel this lacking internally. Usually the scapegoats are not picked because they're less loved, but just arbitrarily, because the parent needs to treat one or more children badly as a threat to the other kids, to maintain power. Kind of like when a substitute teacher punishes one misbehaving kid to control the class. The golden child isn't truly getting the warmth, and the parent can discard them as soon as their purpose is done.

I see this in a family I know. I can't say I lose sleep feeling bad for the golden child because she seems to be really cruel sometimes. But sometimes it seems she's devoid of basic humanity, and how are they living a good life? Imagine being so damaged and empty inside. She seems sweet and charismatic and then her friendships randomly fall apart and there's always something wrong with her ex friend. She gets endless money and financial and babysitting support from her parents while not working but she's openly not happy. Because nothing makes up for healthy attachment and real love and I can't see how her parents ever gave her that, seeing how they treat her other kids.

Meanwhile, the scapegoat in that family no doubt suffered too, and I think still is, but he got out of the family business earlier and started his own. He has skills because he had to but it was good for him. He made his own loving family. He is generally happier and more considerate of people around him. I'm not saying he's perfect either, but he's a more pleasant person to be around, and seems generally happier and more fulfilled than his sister (although I guess you never know).

amother

Blueberry

Fri, Jan 19 2024, 10:15 am

amother Thistle wrote:

My golden child sisters is codependent, stuck in an abusive marriage, keeps having kids, and no one can help her. Meanwhile, as the scapegoat, I learned to fight for myself pretty early on. I stood up to my husbands anger management issues and by our marriage is pretty good now. I space my kids and break the cycle of abuse. While she got everything she wanted when she got married and I got dollar store cutlery, my parents old stuff, and paid for some things on my own, she now keeps asking for my kids hand-me-downs.

amother

Vanilla

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:17 am

amother OP wrote:

Are we sisters? This is my mother. To the t. Still is that way.

I don't think so. I don't think any of my sisters is struggling in this way. And my mother has pretty much calmed down now that all the kids are grown up and out of the house.

Raizle

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:24 am

amother OP wrote:

Not diagnosed. Only self. I have almost every trait on the list.

It's not likely. We all have narcissistic traits in us, some more then others but a person who self diagnoses themselves as a narcissist is not actually likely to be one.

Raizle

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:25 am

amother Clear wrote:

If you are a narcissist tell us something really horrible you did to someone for your own advantage or just to watch them suffer and glee

I think you might be confusing a narcissist with a psychopath

Raizle

Sat, Jan 20 2024, 9:27 am

amother OP wrote:

PSA, don't suggest therapy, it isn't something my husband believes in and more importantly something we can afford.

Huh? Not something your HUSBAND believes in?

what about you? Do you believe in it?