Aggressive 4.5 year old

amother

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 1:41 pm

My four year old son is really a sweetie at heart. He’s very bright, can be incredibly loving, and inquisitive. However, when he does not get his way/is frustrated he acts completely off the walls. He’s very impulsive and doesn’t run out of energy. Hitting, kicking, biting, says mean things that range from “I hate you” to “I’m going to cut your arms off.” The other week he threw a toy at a boy in school hard enough that he bled. When he’s mad he’ll even unbuckle in a car even though he knows it dangerous. Time outs barely work as he can just come out of his room in a rage.

We are a solid BY family with no TV and he’s the only boy so he’s not seeing or learning this aggression from someone or something in the house.

Looking for any insight on how to deal with him. I’m on a waitlist to see a developmental psychologist but looking for advice from other moms with similarly mannered children.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Jan 23 2024, 8:43 pm

Both of my 17 year old twins had such aggression...... one of the twins still has it. We've done....

1) meds (multiple types!)
2) therapy (multiple types!)
3) getting lots of sensory stuff to meet their exact sensory needs. For my son, that's weighted stuff--- weighted blankets, lap pads, neck pads, a weighted hat, a weighted teddy bear (ever seen a weighted teddy bear at the dentist with a 17 year old? it's a sight....)
4) lots of meetings with the county board of dd
5) address flag with the police so HOPEFULLY they'll check it when police are called to know what to expect before arriving

For your son I'd recommend an appliance to keep the seatbelt buckled which can only be unlocked with a key. Can he climb and reach child locks at the top of a door? If not, That can keep him in a safe space while he calms down.

He has an IEP and special services at school? Make sure he's in a school which is obligated to follow the IEP.

Bright, loving, inquisitive, and super low frustration tolerance is TOUGH. You're describing my son. I have GREAT moments with him but it's a journey!

Lkwdmom4

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 11:43 am

My 5 year old is similar. I recommend you read "No Drama Discipline". Some kids literally cannot think when they are in a heightened state. Any rewards/consequences won't work. Feel free to PM if you want specific examples of what worked for us.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 12:29 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

1.Diet and gut health
2. Chronic infections and inflammation

Can you please tell us more about what we could find in these areas that could help us?

amother

Lightcyan

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 4:12 pm

Following, I feel for you OP
You sound like you're describing my 4 year old son.
He's also really smart and sweet but can get super aggressive and a little cukoo when he doesn't get his way, or I say no. He will hurt and threaten.... It's impossible to calm him down
Totally typical kid otherwise

amother

Indigo

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 4:19 pm

Sometimes it's normal behavior. Often happens to smart kids when their brain is ahead of their maturity. I wouldn't be concerned yet but I'd look into alternate ways to discipline and get through to him.

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 6:30 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

But when it interferes with so much of daily routine it’s hard to just say “I hope this will pass in a few years”

amother

Indigo

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 6:44 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

But when it interferes with so much of daily routine it’s hard to just say “I hope this will pass in a few years”

You find methods that work for them. Most importantly don’t cause them anxiety by acting like they are broken or need to be fixed.

amother

Seablue

Wed, Jan 24 2024, 6:46 pm

My son is exactly like this. What works for me so far is to give him a hug for him to calm down initially, hear him out (he's very expressive), validate his feelings, and then say how we can't hit because hitting hurts. Then we think of alternative ideas he can do instead when he's frustrated next time (and how to solve it this time)
Sometimes it does work for the next time and sometimes not.
Following for more ideas
Shifi lieberman has an online course on anxiety I was thinking of taking

amother

Wandflower

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 12:38 am

amother Seablue wrote:

Meaning that the child is acting out from a place of anxiety?
Has anyone seen success in working with an OT to help emotional regulation?

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 6:38 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

Can you please tell us more about what we could find in these areas that could help us?

Inflammatory foods like gluten, dairy, soy, corn, foods dyes and additives can cause aggression in children. Also missing certain beneficial bacteria, and the overgrowth of bad bacteria, especially clostridia.

Chronic infections like strep or Lyme also can cause the immune system to go into overdrive and direct inflammation at the brain, which can show up as aggression along with other behaviors.

amother

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 12:05 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

Meaning that the child is acting out from a place of anxiety?
Has anyone seen success in working with an OT to help emotional regulation?

My son has been in OT for over a year and did a stint in a social skills group. I think it helps somewhat but he still needs something more which is why I’m looking for ideas