If you don't like saying how many children you have

amother

Whitesmoke

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 7:21 pm

Tao wrote:

I wasn't saying it is. Of course there's no comparison. My point is, literally anything can trigger anyone. There are many nisyanos that are terribly difficult to bear. There are people drowning in debt; should we now never say "I need to go make supper" - because what if they can't afford food to make for supper (and there are plenty who can't)?
Having a child not accepted into a school is an extremely difficult nisayon to bear (speaking from actual experience here), can you now never say anything school-related ever?
Having a health condition is an extremely difficult nisayon, can you not say, "Want to meet me at the park tomorrow?" because what if they need to go in for dialysis or have an appointment or whatever?

Simply put, there are few ultra sensitive situations that anyone with common sense would know to tread lightly. Someone who has no children is one of them, just like asking someone's weight or dress size. Just don't go there. Obviously, if you meet someone at PTA you can assume they have at least one kid. But that lady you meet in shul or at a wedding? Wait for some kind of hint that she has kids before asking her about them.
Spoken as someone who has had to say many, many times over the years, "No, I don't have children." It's an awful feeling and so diminishing to have to say that/be put on the spot.

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 7:25 pm

amother Butterscotch wrote:

It's not about avoiding topics, but rather avoid questions. Talk about your personal life and the other person will add about their life. It will come along the conversation. Just DON"T ask.

I'm not talking about myself. This is to any situation.

I personally am not pained when people ask me about my kids, though I do like sarcastic replies. Not because I want to snob the questioner, it will just make them think twice before asking other people whom it may be triggering.

Interesting.

Because the first rule in social skills is to inquire and show interest in the other person, rather than talking about yourself.

Tao

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 7:43 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

Interesting.

Because the first rule in social skills is to inquire and show interest in the other person, rather than talking about yourself.

Yup. Don't ask or talk about anything. Just smile and wave, boys.
A conversation, by definition, requires back and forth between 2 or more people. Otherwise, we'd all be walking around holding soliloquies with ourselves. About...paper bags. Or, paperclips. Or something else completely safe.

(Please, I really really do not mean to hurt those waiting for children, I am NOT saying it's not a painful topic. I am saying that many normal questions, can be triggering to others, and not asking any questions ever to anyone is not a way to live your life. And that I don't understand the people who just stam don't like answering anything about anything for no reason other than to be secretive. That is all, folks.)

theoneandonly

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 7:54 pm

Tao wrote:

How dare you. My emotional support paper bag was pierced by a paper clip and I will never get over it.

amother

Whitesmoke

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 8:00 pm

Tao wrote:

Why can't you just accept that it is common sense/using social skills to look for clues about certain situations before putting someone on the spot when you really have no clue about her answer? A friend told me that once she stupidly asked someone she just met at a wedding how many kids she had, and when the woman said she didn't have any, my friend was so taken aback that she continued to put her foot in her mouth and said the stupidest thing of all, "Oh you're so lucky. It was hard getting a babysitter etc" She didn't know how to stop herself and she feels terrible years later.

When you unthinkingly open the door to potentially awkward responses you don't know how the conversation will turn out. It's not about triggers, honestly, some of it is social awareness and knowing how to have a conversation with someone new that you are getting to know. Some questions are simply socially off when you are meeting someone for the first time and don't know anything about them, and you may be the one who ends up embarrassed and wishing you'd have waited for certain things to come up before asking about them.

amother

Thu, Jan 25 2024, 9:03 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

In any case, this thread has gone slightly off tangent. The question wasn’t if personal topics should be avoided. It was if “how many children do you have?” IS a personal question. (Asked to a woman whom you see with children or is talking about them.)

agreed. totally off topic. if anyone wants to re-read the op, I never said anything was triggering for me. I bh have a beautiful family and each and every one of them means the world to me and im proud of each ones accomplishments. I have no problem discussing any one of my children or any other part of my life.

I dont get offended or triggered when someone discusses one of their parents just because I lost my father. or when someone discusses their pregnancy just because I lost a pg 6 months ago. or when someone mentions their vacation just because I cant afford vacation.

the only thing I asked in my op was for a nice way to "please the 5th" when asked a question im not comfortable with. and I also didnt say theres anything wrong with asking it, I just dont like being asked.

essie14

Fri, Jan 26 2024, 1:17 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

I agree. I would never ask someone that I just met, in a non children context such as at a wedding, how many children they have. I am not that obtuse.
But at PTA, or in the park, when you KNOW she has at least 1 child, I think it's perfectly OK to ask if she has another, unless she looks 19 and has an infant.
That's called making conversation.
When you're at a wedding, meeting a stranger you can ask "where do you live"
"How do you know the chattan/kallah"
And then start a conversation
"OH, you live in Miami? My cousin is a principal there, do you know him?"
And then she may answer "what a small world, I send my son to his school"
And if she has no children, she would say "no, I don't know him" and you move on to another topic. If you're obtuse you would ask, "oh, so what school do your children go to if you don't send to his school?"
But if you're normal, you would move on.

amother

Butterscotch

Fri, Jan 26 2024, 1:58 am

essie14 wrote:

Agree!

I just want to add a little more. And if she does know the principal and hints that she doesn't want to talk about him because of a recent argument with him, you can just take it and move on to the next topic.

My point was that you have to accept that people may choose to talk about and answer what they feel comfortable with. If you ask someone a question and they don't answer they're not snubbing.

Princess23

Sun, Jan 28 2024, 2:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not a very big believer in ayin hara, so I'm not sure why but I get peeved when people ask how many children I have. I usually just say "more than a handful, bh". Which is true, a handful being 5 and I bh have more than 5.

Any other nice/polite replies?

Think about it this way, same way there’s a lot of women with infertility. There’s a lot that get pregnant even by only trying once. Meaning, there’s so many very fertile women. Why are you scared of an Ayin hara? More women than not are super fertile and can have kids so easily every year. That’s why bc so popular.