S/o wanna move and kids against it

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 11:33 pm

Child of divorce here : It absolutely would have ruined my relationship with my mother if she would have remarried when I was 14. It's a very crucial time for a teen. Moving her against her will to a new city and introducing a stepfather and possible stepsiblings at this age is a recipe for disaster.
Just because you think he's a wonderful man (and im sure he is!) I highly doubt your DD will think of him as a "loving stepfather ".
She will not consider herself as being in a "stable 2 parent family ".
That's all nice and flowery and maybe happens in the movies.
Whoever told you that has clearly not been in this situation.

I am now in my upper 40s. I have a friend who was divorced with teens who was dating a man also divorced with teens.
They dated long distance for several years until the kids were 18 ( it was about 4 years IIRC) and then they got married and he moved to her city.

If your DD isn't 100% on board with moving I wouldn’t do it.

amother

Chicory

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 12:07 am

Child of divorced parents here.

What made the most difference to me is that my mother ALWAYS treated me like a VIP when it came to decisions that affected me. When she got re-married she even asked me before choosing to have kids (it's a complex situation, I was an only child, I was very attached to her) - at first I cried and got angry and said I didn't want to share her, but as we discussed my fears and she reassured me, and mentioned the positives, I came around to the idea quickly and by the time my sibling arrived I was ready to adore him, and I did!

What if you sat down honestly, laid out the facts, and asked her for her input. Over coffee and cake, or ice cream, just the two of you:

What does she think of prospective step-father? Explain how happy he makes you, and how you think it would be nice for the family - and listen hard to her side of the story without opposing what she says.

You would like to marry him and move cities - but you know it's hard for her - does she have any ideas on some form of compromise, something that would make it easier for her?

Would she prefer just to stay here? Is she afraid, but could consider overcoming it?

I think a warm, close conversation would really help. It's such a charged up topic with such a lot of confusing emotions - make her feel heard, talk about her fears. The possible issue is that she'll stand her ground about it being a terrible idea, then you'll know how important it is to her and that should help you make your decision...

amother

Antiquewhite

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 7:41 am

My mother remarried after I was married.
The "blended" loving family has not happened yet a significant number of years later. In fact, we don't have the comfort of a home to go to anymore.
I think my mother is happy but can't really tell. She definitely is less lonely but I think her life is basically a series of decisions choosing between her husband and her children which I don't envy.
My teenage siblings are almost definitely scarred for life and it's horrible to watch.
No advice but if you do it please make sure that your daughter knows how important she is to you despite all these changes.

ETA -
she married a good, normal, guy

amother

Oleander

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 8:05 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m dating someone and if it works out, I will need to move to his city.

My 13.5 DD will be devastated to move away from her friends, and it’s much less of a concern for my 15 DS who is anyway dorming in yeshiva.

Their father isn’t in the picture much and I’m hearing conflicting advice. Remarry and move so the kids have a loving stepfather and regular two parent household structure, or wait till she’s an adult, and it’s not fair to uproot her just because I maybe watt to marry this guy.

The bolded is what's not guaranteed and what people here are warning you about.
It might not be so regular. And it's not her parent so I don't think your dd would even care.