I am emotionally disconnected from my child

amother

NeonPurple

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 11:14 am

amother OP wrote:

actually an tacking her course now but find it hard to do cab targil emoon on him... Actually if you have taken her course she says many aspergers children are
really un cemented hearts.

Hi,
Awareness is number one. Even if you think cutie I love you, even if I feel I can't connect to you know...
Taking the course level two now. I think first let all the pain and hurt out on a paper, you could keep repeating your still mine... There is probably a lot of guilt hurt...Once you have done that it will probably be easier to do a a targul emun.

amother

Hyssop

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:55 am

amother OP wrote:

actually an tacking her course now but find it hard to do cab targil emoon on him... Actually if you have taken her course she says many aspergers children are
really un cemented hearts.

There is tons of research and no evidence that aspergers or HFASD has anything to do with relationship or early trauma. There is increasing evidence that it is actually genetic - and there is also increasing evidence that Ahskenazi Jews have a higher genetic propensity towards neurological disorders ( the flip side of the higher IQ)

I believe that you need help because it is hard enough to be on the spectrum with out the deep relationship and connection that every child needs. As it is your child feels rejected and disconnected from the world - and without the basic feeling of being loved by the most important caregiver, there will be tremendous damage. And very likely you will be able to improve some behaviors by healing the relationship.

But ASD is not "uncemented hearts" or whatever garbage this women is feeding you. It is a neurological disorder, with some bio-medical factors that aggravate it, and is probably genetic. It is not your fault, and you can't "cure" him.

amother

Grape

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 4:54 am

amother Hyssop wrote:

This. Every word of this.

amother

Grape

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 5:00 am

amother Brunette wrote:

Please do whatever you can to fix it now. My siblings and I suffer from severe abandonment issues. It carried over into our marriages and it’s a horrible thing to suffer from. I’m in therapy for years. I’ve attracted the same indifferent type of spouses twice…

You can still fix this. You must fix this. You are his mother. Only YOU fan fix this.

My mother realized her mistakes and has connected to 4 of my younger siblings but she has never acknowledged nor repaired the damage she caused to the older ones. She is still very disconnected from the older ones and it’s really painful to watch her be a mother to them but was never to me and my brothers and still not.

Please please please please if you do anything worthwhile in your life- this is it. This should be your mission. You seem aware which is amazing and step one and the hardest step. Find a therapist, a parenting coach. Get yourself and your son into therapy. Emotional Abandonment from a parent is a real trauma. Hatzalcha.

I'm so sorry that your mother wasn't there for you when you needed her.

Please try to keep your experience separate from that of OP, who is doing her best and who has a child who isn't typical and doesn't respond to typical expressions of love and care, or typical parenting strategies. OP is trying to fix the connection, she is doing her best. She does not need more guilt and horror stories of the harm this can cause her child.

And please get yourself into therapy, if you haven't already, so that you can improve your own life and let go of the hurt your mother caused.

amother

Grape

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 5:04 am

imasinger wrote:

I agree with most of the rest of this post, and all of the following one, but find this part deeply disturbing.

Kids with ASD are NOT inherently broken from birth. They can and do form deep, meaningful connections in life, if they are taught certain skills. Yes, it's not intuitive for them in the same way. Yes, it sometimes takes time and patience, and consistent help. Yes, there are still times of disconnect.

But its an effort worth making, and it's never too late to start.

OP, have you ever done parent coaching with a therapist who has a lot of experience in working with kids with ASD? That sounds like a good first step.

If the child was born with a heart defect would you object to saying that the heart had a defect? If the child was born with eyes that didn't work would you object to saying that the child was born with "broken" or defective eyes? And if not, why do you object to someone saying that this specific child has a broken emotional connector/relationship builder?

Yes that can often be fixed if you teach (if you manage to teach) certain skills, just like eyes that don't work can often be fixed by means of surgery or glasses, and a heart defect can often be fixed by means of surgery. Not every time will you manage to fix the problems by means of surgery or by means of teaching the skills, but these are skills that most people pick up automatically and the inability to learn them by osmosis puts the child at a real disadvantage and constitutes an actual disability. Please see this. OP's child is disabled. It is an invisible disability but you do no one any favors by ignoring it. You only cause harm.

I never said it was too late to start. I said that OP should realize that her child was born with an inherent but invisible defect, because that helps frame it the right way, remove the guilt, and allow you to see possible solutions and paths forward.

If you don't like that, well, I'm sorry. I hope I am helping OP.

OP if you want to chat I am here. It is really hard being surrounded by parents of NT kids who think that if you were only a better mother your ASD child's challenges wouldn't exist and your relationship would be perfect.

Also, please remember that ASD is a neurological disorder, not "uncemented hearts" or similar mom-blaming gibberish.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 5:12 am

amother OP wrote:

My oldest. He's so challenging that he brings out the worst of me. I yell and an negative with him most of the time. Deep down I know I'm abt fault of his behavior and he's never gotten any loving connection from when he was born. I liked him but I didn't have that motherly instinct to connect to and talk to and emotionally raise a child. I physically provided everything but didn't know I'm missing something really big. And only when he started school and they were saying asd concerns and then my next child was born and that child a really connected maybe she was demanding it and also I was starting to open my eyes and realize. So instead of fixing the damage I've done he is so triggering and a so back try to like him cand understand where it's coming from and that this child was never loved and shower him with love connection and understanding I just can't tolerate him! My heart breaks for him and I know I need to love him to heal his nefesh but I can't I don't feel it from within. My heart is breaking for his broken heart

How old is he?
You cant change the past but you can work on fixing the situation for the future. Starting now.You need help for yourself to deal with changing the bad habits and give you the tools you need to respond properly and in a way that is healthy to both of you. That will help you assuage whatever guild feelings you have.
Today you are no longer the person or Mother you were yesterday. Today you are taking steps towards a better relationship with your b'chor. The love will come as soon as you distance yourself from the negative feelings.
Keep a journal to track your growth. Fargin yourself if you slip but keep moving forward.