I am emotionally disconnected from my child

amother

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 1:48 am

My oldest. He's so challenging that he brings out the worst of me. I yell and an negative with him most of the time. Deep down I know I'm abt fault of his behavior and he's never gotten any loving connection from when he was born. I liked him but I didn't have that motherly instinct to connect to and talk to and emotionally raise a child. I physically provided everything but didn't know I'm missing something really big. And only when he started school and they were saying asd concerns and then my next child was born and that child a really connected maybe she was demanding it and also I was starting to open my eyes and realize. So instead of fixing the damage I've done he is so triggering and a so back try to like him cand understand where it's coming from and that this child was never loved and shower him with love connection and understanding I just can't tolerate him! My heart breaks for him and I know I need to love him to heal his nefesh but I can't I don't feel it from within. My heart is breaking for his broken heart

amother

Grape

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 3:41 am

amother OP wrote:

You gotta let go of the guilt. My first was a very wanted baby and I connected immediately. He has ASD and at some point became so aggressive that despite my motherly instinct I started to shy away from him so as not to get hurt. I am very emotionally disconnected from him now but that's a direct result of his behavior (and normal parenting classes, advice, strategies did not work). We only diagnosed him as ASD recently and things are slowly improving but years of aggression towards me and the other kids doesn't disappear and there is still an emotional disconnect from him that I don't have with any of the others.

My current baby is 15m, was an oopsie baby who I would've loved to have a year later, came at the wrong time, had FTT, it took me six months *after his birth* to feel *any* connection to him *at all* but now I love him to bits. He is incredibly demanding and he seeks out connection in a way that my oldest never did. This baby was a few months old when a different kid got an ASD diagnosis and after that he continued opening my eyes time after time with his behavior which was so completely different than that of my oldest and the other ASD child. I love this baby to bits and yes he is just a baby so I don't know what will be in the future but my point is that if your oldest wasn't ASD he would've forced you to have an emotional connection, he would not let up, normal NT babies seek out and create that connection with their caregivers because it is in their evolutionary best interest to do so (a loving attentive connected caregiver raises their chance of successful survival and ability to thrive). Looking back I did the same exact stuff with my first as with my current baby (except my first child got more attention, more connection, etc., and I don't say that proudly, I feel bad for my baby) but with my first at some point it became rote and with this baby with every day that passes the connection grows stronger, because it is not just one-sided me trying to create a connection, it is two-sided and that is how real connections are made.

Please let go of the guilt. This was your first child and you literally had no one and nothing to compare him to. If he had been your fourth or fifth child you would've caught the ASD signs a lot earlier because you would've realized this kid is emotionally checked out and not interested in interpersonal connections. This is not your fault. It really isn't. Please let go of the guilt. You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time, and your child wasn't someone who emotionally connects with people. His emotional connector/ relationship-builder is inherently broken. That's not your fault. You couldn't have changed it. Part of him was broken when he was born, but it was an invisible part. How could you have known?

Now you know and you can do the best you can going forward with the tools and knowledge you have now. But his behavior issues are not your fault, and no matter how much you tried to connect with him at some point you would realize that it isn't reciprocal and then blame yourself anyways.

Comptroller

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 3:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow! you are really insightful.

Don't think it is a lost cause. I have friend who was in a similar situation. She had postpartum depression and her child was rather loud, very strong character, very obstinate, very active, and had a strong sense of justice, and would not do as told just because the parents said so.

My friend learned a new form of communication with the child (I think she used the Sara yocheved rieger method), and it had a huge impact. The child calmed down, the whole family life became a lot calmer.

Of course, the child was still obstinate, a strong caracter, strong sense of justice, loud, very physically active, but her mother learned to cope with it, and the child has now become a beautiful, strong, responsible, thoughtful teenager, who still has a strong sense of justice and still is rather obstinate, but also totally an asset to society.

imasinger

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 5:10 am

amother [Grape] wrote:

His emotional connector/ relationship-builder is inherently broken. That's not your fault. You couldn't have changed it. Part of him was broken when he was born, but it was an invisible part. How could you have known?

I agree with most of the rest of this post, and all of the following one, but find this part deeply disturbing.

Kids with ASD are NOT inherently broken from birth. They can and do form deep, meaningful connections in life, if they are taught certain skills. Yes, it's not intuitive for them in the same way. Yes, it sometimes takes time and patience, and consistent help. Yes, there are still times of disconnect.

But its an effort worth making, and it's never too late to start.

OP, have you ever done parent coaching with a therapist who has a lot of experience in working with kids with ASD? That sounds like a good first step.

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 6:48 am

amother Begonia wrote:

You definitely can fix it, and BE"H you will. As another poster said call Relief. Or perhaps your community has a different organization. Wishing you a lot of strength for your journey.

What I meant was, she didn't cause his asd by pulling away from him (likely the opposite) and she can't fix his asd by building a relationship with him. She can probably still work on having a relationship with him depending on how healthy and receptive he is, but it won't fix his asd, and some people with asd are really really hard to get along with, even if you're their mother.

We're so conditioned to believe that parents are always at fault that mothers blame themselves for all their kids issues. Some things are just wiring. I think admitting it's a wiring issues will make it easier for OP to build a relationship. She needs to understand what makes him tick.

(As an aside, personally I'm of the belief that a lot of asd *can* be fixed using biomedical interventions. But not behavioral or relational ones.)

amother

Cyan

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 8:47 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Op I doubt you're at fault for your child's issues. And the guilt is just making things a whole lot worse. Let go of the guilt. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Now parent him from that place.

Although the op is so brave in saying she feels she is doing something wrong and wants help, that doesn’t make what she is doing not be very harmful to an innocent child.

A child who does not feel love by their own mother - yes even more then the father- will feel rejected at the deepest level and struggle with many mental health and behavioral challenges very often.

OP- you clearly care but your inner critic causes you to not be able to channel it correctly. Get help- so you and mainly your innocent child who deserves it-can rejoice in knowing that Hashem loves them and you and they and yes you too deserve to be loved.

amother

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 9:23 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

what's biomedical treatment?

amother

Brunette

Fri, Mar 29 2024, 9:49 am

Please do whatever you can to fix it now. My siblings and I suffer from severe abandonment issues. It carried over into our marriages and it’s a horrible thing to suffer from. I’m in therapy for years. I’ve attracted the same indifferent type of spouses twice…

You can still fix this. You must fix this. You are his mother. Only YOU fan fix this.

My mother realized her mistakes and has connected to 4 of my younger siblings but she has never acknowledged nor repaired the damage she caused to the older ones. She is still very disconnected from the older ones and it’s really painful to watch her be a mother to them but was never to me and my brothers and still not.

Please please please please if you do anything worthwhile in your life- this is it. This should be your mission. You seem aware which is amazing and step one and the hardest step. Find a therapist, a parenting coach. Get yourself and your son into therapy. Emotional Abandonment from a parent is a real trauma. Hatzalcha.