I am a normal person, but I completely lost it

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

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amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 4:56 am

I have been going through the motions of preparing for pesach, shopping, planning, cleaning, working until the last minute, kids and I am pregnant and been handling it really well, trying to stay focused and keep my perspective right ect.
DH is helpful but has ADHD and can be a complainer sometimes. I appreciate his help but he is always keeping track of what aches and hurts and every morning he 'isn't feeling well' (He is fine, just a late sleeper and tired all the time)
He is a poor time planner and doesn't always realize the effort that I put into the things that appear in our home.
Today we were on the way to do a big shopping (This is the first year I asked him to come help me do it)and he starts telling me how he isn't feeling well and a specific job that needs to get done is too big and might not happen.
I lost it and told him to turn around. I am big and round and nauseous and fat and can't hear him complaining.
Now I have to do the shopping alone and deal with him being mad at me for being an idiot.
I am a dumpster fire.

amother

Arcticblue

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:03 am

I think I missed the part where you lost it?

amother

Copper

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:03 am

Hugs
Give yourself credit for all you've done so far
Can you give him tasks to do without you?

SuperWify

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:09 am

Kudos to you. I would’ve lost it long before that point.

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:09 am

Go and buy yourself a coffee and Danish and sit in a cafe on your own for half an hour before you start your shopping. You sound perfectly normal and you're doing an amazing job!

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 5:15 am

Thank you for validating. I really need a coffee.
I guess the frustration starts way before.
I had planned the menu and shopping list last week but without a complete illustrated list he was lost and came home with less then half.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:34 am

amother OP wrote:

What so you mean an illustrated list? Are you telling me he need pictures in order to do a grocery shopping?
No wonder you lost it.

amother

Jade

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:43 am

amother OP wrote:

(He is fine, just a late sleeper and tired all the time)

Are you sure he's fine? Being tired all the time isn't normal.

Moonlight

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:47 am

May be worth ordering from store and paying extra $10 to deliver if you can

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:55 am

Op, you have the patience of a saint. May you be rewarded

amother

Mint

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 8:59 am

I understand your frustration COMPLETELY

PLEASE dont beat yourself up

I know what your juggling

wife of another ADHDER

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 9:05 am

Moonlight wrote:

May be worth ordering from store and paying extra $10 to deliver if you can

I will write this down for next year.

Moonlight

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 9:16 am

amother OP wrote:

I will write this down for next year.

The stores *MAY* still be able to do it this year.
Also INSTACART - it really is worth it. if you have a chase CC, you get free instacart for a few months.

amother

Lilac

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 9:22 am

amother OP wrote:

OMG. I sent DH to pick up groceries that were already ordered and paid for but you had to take a list and go around looking for the food/stuff. (Mishnat Yosef for those in Israel and know it.) He couldn't figure out where to get the paper and that took him awhile. Then he came home all freaked with nothing but the list and said he refuses to do it.

Oh and by the time I got there, things were missing because they ran out.

But I'm not pregnant and I'm used to him so I was ok. I would've freaked too in your situation OP.

(I had asked him before if he wants me to come with or DD to go with... No.)

So I did it and at least he shlepped it home.

ShishKabob

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 9:23 am

I think you are amazing and a tzadekes actually. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing a great job. Losing it is not what makes you a good or bad person. It's if you can pick yourself up and keep going forward despite the fact that you made a mistake is what really makes a person great, great as in a big tzadeikes.

(honestly, I don't think you did something so terrible, it was just a reaction from frustration, I don't see you calling any names or besmirching his character, just got frustrated and said something you may have not said had you been more calm and rested)

And please don't sit in any guilt, that's just the yetzer horo talking. Kudos to you for doing so well despite it all.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength. Wishing you a beautiful and calm pesach and erev pesach.

amother

Trillium

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 9:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I think the only thing you did wrong was tell him to turn around. YOU should have handed him the shopping list and turned around to put your feet up at home.

I mean really, sounds like you have a lot of restraint. I too have a very unfocused husband who makes mountains out of molehills with every little ache and will sometimes act like taking out the garbage is heroic after I've been on my feet preparing for YT for 12 hours straight. Not easy.

giftedmom

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:09 am

Don’t. Be. A. Martyr.
Swallow less, complain more
Men who complain this much think that if you’re not complaining you must be fine.
Stop swallowing. Stop waiting until you reach a breaking point. Stop doing it all.
Nothing will happen if it’s not all perfect. Nothing will happen if you give him a task that’s not life or death important and he messes it up. A task that will affect him if it’s not done.
You need to take care of yourself better. You are worthy.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 10:23 am

amother Lilac wrote:

After Pesach I definitely would make him go with you to Mishnat Yosef to learn how to deal with the process. It's not rocket science, thousands of men do this every week.

seeker

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 12:27 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Are you sure he's fine? Being tired all the time isn't normal.

For ADHD it can be. There are different types, for some people energy levels are very very fickle. I'm sure there are some times when he has an overdose of energy and those times are almost as annoying.

seeker

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 12:35 pm

giftedmom wrote:

If I complain more then I'd just be labeled a complainer and totally get tuned out because it's just par for the course complaining. When I'm on my game, at least my husband knows I MEAN IT when I lose it.

Unfortunately this is one of those times when things are just too much and I'm complaining a lot so it's not working out amazing on the interpersonal end. But things are basically getting done so I'm not complaining... To you.

I am just waiting for the day that everyone here internalizes that if they do things my way it will all work better - because my way is the one that was thought through and planned with knowledge of all the variables! My flimsy paper shopping list is the product of menus considering who's eating, what they need, what they like, how many times, what worked last year, what we still have from last year, etc etc etc. And my simple list of what to help clean is the product of knowing what will make other things dirty, which things we still need to dirty, which things we need to use first, which people are able to help at which times. So please do not think you can just take liberties interpreting my clear and specific requests, and then WONDER WHY I'M COMPLAINING.

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