S/o PSA if you are having guests who have a baby under 6 mon

DrMom

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do most people handle being alone in a dark room with no phone or nothing to do for 40 minutes as just a mildly uncomfortable experience?

I've been lots of places, I'm not sure why it's so hard to offer any bedroom in the house that has a shabbos light and isn't freezing cold in the basement for a woman to nurse.

Everywhere else I've been I've been gladly offered a proper room with lighting and warmth to nurse.

I don't expect anyone to sit with me, even my husband - but it was just on top of being in a cold pitch black room also being alone was just too much.

Yes, most adults can sit in a dimly lit room for 40 minutes without freaking out. And you did have something to do: you were nursing.

You could have left the door open a bit to let some more light in, no?

If it was pitch black and/or too cold, then why didn't you speak up? Did they throw you in a dungeon?

amother

Lotus

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:34 pm

I see what's going on here. Hosts should be able to divine every guest's tastes, needs and desires and provide all the comforts of a four-star hotel and five-star restaurant including options for every type of dietary restriction, so that guests can just show up and not have to bring anything but their list of demands. Who knew?

It's enough to make one quit inviting people altogether.

No, sorry,I'm not going to go out and buy a pack and play just because I might one day invite a couple with a baby for a Shabbat meal. Maybe I should also have a high chair, infant seat, changing table, nursing pillow, rocking chair, changing supplies, and a few changes of baby clothing?

Tell me, do you have a walker, reading glasses, large-type bencher, low-salt, low-fat and low-cholesterol menu, or special built-up toilet seat in case you might have an elderly guest?

I didn't think so.

imaima

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes
Usually it is mildly annoying to nurse without distractions. Not traumatizing.

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Sapphire wrote:

OP, a 3 months old nursing for 40 minutes every 2 hours, is abnormal. Please take him to the pediatrician for a check up and make sure to mention this.
You also may want to seek help for your anxiety.
Good luck!

Lucky you that your baby it's fast and stays full longer.

Op, it is normal!! I feel ya!

amother

Fern

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:36 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

amother

Amber

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't generally. But it was scary being in a pitch black cold empty quiet room for 40 minutes alone with my own thoughts and nothing to look at or read. I have anxiety and being alone in a small, dark, cold space, in an uncomfortable nursing position for 40 minutes was nerve wracking. I almost had a panic attack. I came home crying.

Are you married? If yes could your husband have kept you company?

octopus

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:37 pm

Is this your oldest? I learned the hard way that it's way more comfortable for me to stay home. I'd rather cook shabbos and have my comforts. Also, forget the pediatrician. My oldest baby did this too with the nursing. You should see a lactation consultant. Because he was my oldest I had the time to sit there for 40 minutes, but he had a tongue tie that no one made a big deal about. When I had my next kid and it took me a total of 15-20 minutes to nurse both sides, I realized how abnormal 40 minutes for nursing was.

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:38 pm

Why can't you nurse on a chair in the bathroom?

And honestly if your nursing sessions take 40 minutes and you're likely to have two of them during the meal, that sounds like a pretty big inconvenience for your host. I would be thinking of that more than the fact that you had to nurse in dark room. Maybe now isn't the right time for you to be accepting invitations.

amother

Amber

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:40 pm

Op when I have a baby that’s brand new and nursing:
I stay home as much as possible or only go to places where I know the setup (parents, in laws)
Obviously if there’s a family simcha I make an exception
Or I pump and bring that along in case it’s needed
I bring a cozy blanket along so that might have helped me and baby if we did end up being in a cold room

amother

Oak

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:43 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Love this

amother

Sapphire

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:44 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

I disagree. Grandparents must have beds for all kids and grandkids.
If you don't have room, don't invite them.
I didn't ask for a wig head, I asked for a bed for a baby! Not a blanket not a diaper. Just somewhere to put a 4 week old to sleep for 1 night.

I'm not asking a stranger to host me for a simchas.
I'm asking for my child's grandparents to care enough. That's all.

My children's grandparents care enough and we take along pack n plays & folding cots for the kids to sleep on when we go. It's not always possible to have a bed for everyone, especially when they still have a family of their own. It doesn't mean that they don't care about their grandchildren.

amother

Peach

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:44 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

Another psa. If you are hosting guest with a baby, please make sure you have a bassinet or crib for the baby.
Don't assume they brought along a stroller. Ask or discuss.

My mil didn't prepare anything for my baby the first time I came. Bh I came with a stroller and not a car seat.
She later purchased a pack n play but when I came with my next new baby we confirmed that there will be someplace to put the baby down.

my goodness people are not perfect! or mind readers!

take responsibility if you have the forethought on all this...then maybe it is on YOU to ask and discuss....are we actually just looking for things to get offended by now?

amother

Sapphire

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:45 pm

imaima wrote:

The baby was with you though…
Ok this is extraordinary. You are a mom now. Time to stop being scared of monsters

Please cut her some slack. If she's dealing with anxiety, this can be a trigger.
OP should've asked her husband to accompany her.

amother

Sapphire

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:47 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

Lucky you that your baby it's fast and stays full longer.

Op, it is normal!! I feel ya!

Just because your baby also fed for 40 minutes per feeding at 3 months, it doesn't make it normal. It is abnormal at that age. Especially every 2 hours.

imaima

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:48 pm

OP,
Generally it’s just a couple of months till your baby has a semi-reliable bedtime and then it will just make no sense for you to go out in the evening. Go out for lunches, then the rooms won’t be dark. Bring a book!

I was once hosted twice by the same family. I was very busy with my baby the first time. So for the second time, hostess had a helper play with my baby for the duration of the meal! That’s next level though that I don’t expect…

amother

Peach

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:50 pm

PSA if people especially grandparents who are older do not manage to always anticipate your every need, even those that seem so obvious to you, cut them some slack. Be DLKZ.
It certainly does not mean they "don't care enough" or "don't care" about you etc if they do not anticipate everything, set up accordingly, and/or actually make a mistake.

amother

Stone

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:51 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

There is no reason in the world you didn't discuss this with the grandparents. Have you been there before? Have you seen they don't own anything? Did you ask if they purchased something for the baby? Why in the world would you just assume they did?

NechaMom

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes. I don’t even consider it uncomfortable.
I’d grab a jacket if I was cold but otherwise I’d have no problem with the dark.
If you have extenuating circumstances you must either decline invitations or discuss with your DH in advance how you will handle feeding time. Is it possible to give a bottle when you’re out of your house? It’s good to get the baby used to a bottle for situations such as these.

amother

Oak

Sun, May 07 2023, 4:55 pm

OP,
Before you accepted the invitation, did you say to your hostess: Just so you know, I am nursing. Is that going to be a challenge? Do you have somewhere that I can sit and nurse, as she eats every two hours, for 40 minutes at a time, and I just want to make sure that I am not putting you out if I need to leave the table to feed her.

Maybe she was counting on you for company or to carry a conversation and here you just disappeared on her.
Maybe she would have cleaned an area or left a light on had you bothered to tell her. You are the one who needed and accommodation. I need accommodation in a classroom setting and I have documentation. The onus is on me to tell the professor, not for them to offer to everyone , go to the disabilities office to who on the class roster needs accommodations or even to ask the students to raise their hand. Onus is on me.

amother

Oak

Sun, May 07 2023, 5:00 pm

amother Stone wrote:

Or how about asking if you should bring your pack and play with you when you come!