Am I obnoxious? (an ayin hara muse)

amother

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 1:52 am

This is a post in two separate parts. One I was meaning to ask for opinions here for a while, then a recent experience brought a related point to the fore.

B"H I have a wonderful baby. Not an easy baby, she is a REAL handful at home, at night, in general, but B"H she is beautiful, adorable, healthy, and smart. You might think I'm rather biased, and I also thought I was just a teensy bit biased, but I don't get out so much and recently I brought her along to a simcha where there were more than 5 other babies within about a month of her age, most older. There it was obvious to see that she was definitely developmentally ahead - most of the babies were just kind of sitting around boringly and she was crawling everywhere, jumping about, following big people, babbling away, eating finger foods, and generally stealing the show - seemed like everyone at the simcha was just gushing over my baby. Total strangers from the other side (I.e. not my family) came over to coo over how beautiful she is and everyone was enjoying the entertainment of watching a little baby trying to do so many tricks. So now I know it's not just me!

Anyway, here were my two concerns:
1. I am not the type to ever worry about ethereal things like ayin hara but frankly that experience spooked me a bit. I'm not going to hide my child or anything, but what would you do? What do/should you say when people come gushing about how cute your baby is?

2. I never know whether or how much it's OK to talk about my baby to other people. On one hand, especially before I had my own baby, I'd probably think it a little annoying if a friend would talk too much about her baby. OTOH, sometimes I'm actually interested in the other person. Plus, my baby is almost my whole life at this stage, if you want to connect with me, that's going to be a big part of it. Basically, I never talk about my baby much (definitely not in detail) if a person doesn't ask. But when I'm on the phone with a friend (and I don't talk to friends that often, it's just the way I am) and they ask "So, how's little ____?" I never know what to say. Besides "BH" I mean. I'm talking about people who are genuinely interested, not just social niceties. I'm not sure whether it's obnoxious or maybe even inviting ayin hara to say "B'H she's walking and talking great, and we've just enrolled her in MIT." BTW, many of my friends are still single. Some don't really ask at all and we mostly shmooze about the same things as we always used to. Others seem very interested in the baby "What's she doing? We have to get together, I haven't seen her since she was tiny! Can you email me more pictures?" etc etc. The friends who are married with kids of their own always ask about the baby, but I feel like I should be just as careful with them as with the friends who aren't in this stage yet - after all, I don't know what their babies are/were like. Any tips or guidelines of how to stay friendly and on topic without rubbing my good fortune in people's faces?

JAWSCIENCE

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 7:56 am

You can start by not saying anything like what you said in paragraph one of your post. IE: my baby is advanced, all the other babies were so boring, my baby was the star of the show etc. etc. Because it does sound obnoxious. And it is likely to lead to a lot of animosity = especially with the mommies and bubbies and mishpacha of those babies you have deemed developmentally inferior to yours. It can escalate into the kind of mommy war we have all seen by the time the kid is in kindergarten with each putting much pressure on their child to outdo the others. And the other children may catch up and your child may feel you won't him or her unless it does better than the others or something. Plus it can lead to a real attitude problem in the baby if she overhears you - and bragging is a hard habit to break so don't think you can drop it by the time she is old enough to understand. There is nothing more unpleasant than a child who is a brat/full of themselves even if they ARE very talented and smart.

You cannot control the gushing of others and you are right you should not hide your baby. Instead build up the babys midos yourself when she is old enough to understand. Remind her as she gets older that being smart and talented comes with the extra responsibility of using those talents well and helping others. Now that's more the sort of thing to tell a seven year old. But with a baby if they always get to the food or toys first for instance because they are faster, make sure they learn to share appropriately. If they learn to talk quickly teach them how it is just as important to listen to others. etc. etc. Being the mommy of a gifted child comes with this extra achrayis for you. To teach them to use these gifts well.

It's fine to answer question but don't let it take over the conversation, do not make comparisons to other babies and try not to brag to much. There is a big difference between saying "Shanie started walking today" and saying "Shanie starting walking and she is such a pro. Most babies don't start until five weeks from now. No other baby I know is walking all ready. Isn't Shanie just the smartest baby ever?".....

Enjoy your beautiful baby but always remember who gave her these gifts.

amother

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 1:52 pm

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I just want to qualify that I'm not full of myself or my baby, I appreciate that her talents are G-d given and that she is only a baby and has a long way to go with much to learn and many challenges ahead. I don't think that I or my child are "better" than anyone else. Just the fact is she's doing a lot of interesting stuff more than others her age. So "Shanie started walking today" leads to "Really? Already? How old is she?" and of course if I answer "Nine months tomorrow" that tells them that my kid is ahead of their 13-month-old. Even though of course I know it's 100% normal to start walking at any of these ages and my kid doing it first doesn't mean a single thing.

I guess it's easier in the phone conversations. And especially with my unmarried friends who don't have their own kids to compare to and can just stop asking leading questions when they've had enough of the topic. But gosh that simcha creeped me out. All those babies sitting around, and all of them really cute in an average way, and everyone just gravitating around my little princess. I'm not exaggerating, people were clustering around and pointing and saying things like, "Wow, look at that little baby popping up there!" "Oooh, what a gorgeous little princess!" (actually, it probably helped that most of the other babies were boys. But they were darn cute boys.) and she was just eating it up, smiling and "talking" to people and applauding herself.

Fiddle, lol, I think posting pictures/video in public is the ultimate in ayin hara invitation/insensitivity to other loved babies out there. And this is even without being into ayin hara stuff. But man it's tempting! I davka don't push pictures in people's faces but I can't help but be a proud mama when people ask for it.

I think Jawscience and amother with the gifted daughter are right on target in realizing that every type of child comes with their own challenges. Definitely a calmer baby is probably easier to parent (I wouldn't know...lol...) and a talented kid probably has a harder time learning to be sensitive to people with difficulties. But other people don't necessarily realize that. They just see the good-looking, friendly, exciting baby. I've had to bring my baby to work on a few occasions (not to stay, just to meet the sitter there a few minutes later) and she was the belle of the office, everyone said "Wow, such a happy baby, you must have it so easy" and I just think if they only knew what it's like to deal with a playful investigative child all night long every night... HA. And that was even before she took off and became a total babyproofing hazard (you think you've locked everything away but she will peel the slipcover off the furniture, you take the plastic away from her, and then she digs out the upholstery from underneath. Then you try to distract her with a toy but she tries to see if she can stand on it and conks her head.) But frankly despite the challenges I'm overwhelmingly appreciative, I think it's so much more rewarding (or easier to feel the rewards anyway) when the challenges come with such a bright side - a fun baby who learns new exciting things every day - rather than being just solid challenge. I'd rather be up all night with a child who wants to see the whole world at once than with a child who is crying from pain or something. I'd rather comfort the bumps and bruises of a baby who thinks she can walk at 9 months than comfort the pain of a kid who needs physiotherapy to make their muscles work right. OF COURSE I would do all that if that's what my kid needed, that is not my point at all. I'm just saying that if you're going to have a challenge, this is a really fun, blessed type to have. As I say pretty often when waking for the third time for an hour at night, at least she's cute! It's her saving grace Wink

imaima

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 2:25 pm

Hmmm I don't know how to put it.
I think it is polite to react to a baby, any baby. If I personally meet someone with a baby, and he or she is not busy eating or almost falling asleep, I try to acknowledge baby's presence because I know it feels good for the parent. I have my own little kids, and seriously sometimes it gets so overwhelming I don't really care about any other babies however cute they are. But I still try to be polite.

I think any amother on this website could post now how their kids are so special and everyone just loves them! The fact is, you are probably not busy watching every single guest at the wedding coo over other babies. There are s many reasons why people do that. I have a friend who only coos with babies of rich parents Rolling Eyes

- probably to find favor in their eyes.

Everyone could have paid attention to your child because she is so active and other moms might have thought "WHat a handful! BH for my calm baby!"

To your question about ein hara - I think you should consider who you talk to. I have both a late bloomer and an early bloomer. With the early bloomer I keep my mouth shut about any milestones unless I talk to my family, and with my late bloomer I asked everyone how well developed their babies are. If they were ahead of mine, I would try to hang out with them so my kid could learn from them how to stand up and walk etc.

So you really need to watch. Obviously, an IF friend is tricky. Don't brag until they ask how she is.

In general, once your child gets older, I think you will be able to put it in perspective. When everyone is 20 something, noone cares anymore if they started walking at 9 months or 19. There are so many things a seemingly slow child can excel at - fine motor skills, emotional security, emotional awareness, ability to fall asleep and play by themselves etc.

freidasima

Thu, Aug 25 2011, 4:23 pm

Anyone with advanced children knows the drill. This is obviously your first so you dont yet have the experience...so as a mother of a few kids who were pretty "advanced" here goes.

No you are not obnoxious...if you are talking to your mother or mother in law. Or husband. That's fine. But to your other friends tone it down a bit.

Ayin Horo? I don't know...but you can sure do practical damage to your kids as other mothers can have it in for them if you continue as they get older and are playing over at their place with their kids.

Don't believe the party poopers. Advanced kids usually remain advanced in many things as they grow older. That doesn't mean that they have an easy time, and physically advanced doesn't mean mentally brilliant, but if you start having a kid who talks sentences by 12 months, who can bench by heart at two and a half (and people actually understand the words) etc....those kids usually remain pretty tops in intellect. The question is rather to make sure that they do something worthwhile with all this advancement and as a mother that's your big challenge.

Be careful of jealousy. Find other things to talk about besides your advanced kids. And as for people coming over and saying your kids are great, give them a big smile and say "thank you! I think they are great too!" and leave it at that.