DH DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO JOIN OA

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 8:13 pm

DH does not want me to join OA. He feels that it is like a group therapy place and everyone there is sharing their lives/problems in public. He says that this is Loshon Hora, and airs your "dirty laundry" in public. I know there is supposed to be a confidentiality agreement there, but I have seen firsthand from friends and family that things that were supposed to be kept confidential from the OA meetings have been "leaked".

I am severely overweight and I am not sure what weight loos program to try at this point.

Any thoughts on the matter?

imasinger

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 8:50 pm

It depends on how you are thinking and feeling.

WW will help you in a group setting, and give practical advice. Consulting privately with a nutritionist may be covered by insurance, and would offer you individual guidance. You might want to look up Soveya on the web; a wonderful Jewish resource for weight loss. Joining a gym could help you get in better shape, and often, weight loss follows.

And going to a therapist will help you tease apart some of the emotional issues that can lead to weight gain and difficulty losing. If you are in the habit of thinking of your DH as a parent who has the power to allow you or forbid you to do things, rather than a life partner whose opinions may differ at times, this may be the best option for you. I worry that he doesn't want you to go because he knows he is not treating you right, and doesn't want you to tell anyone.

Last edited by imasinger on Sat, Oct 26 2013, 9:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 9:15 pm

I joined OA two and a half years ago and I can tell you that although my husband was totally resistant to the idea he has come to appreciate the person I have become and actually manipulates his schedule to accommodate my meetings. Besides the weight loss which is amazing, I have become a calmer, more understanding and tolerant person and this change was brought about by the twelve steps. You are never pressured to share at meetings and perhaps you can tell your husband that you will go on the condition that you won't share. After a time it might be likely that your husband will come around and actually support your endeavors.

FranticFrummie

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 10:29 pm

OP, do you and DH have a couples counselor or rav that you can go to on this? This definitely is something that you two need to work out, because it's causing a strained dynamic in your marriage and communication. If he had guidance from a rav he respects, and you agree to stick to the rav's rules, he might feel better about it.

There may be something deeper going on, too. Some husbands fear that if their wives lose weight and start looking good, that they will run off with another man. Some husbands can't stand to see their wives "suffer" on a diet, and feel so bad that they will bring their wives treats. (My dad was one of those. Every time my mom lost 10 pounds, he'd bring home ice cream to "celebrate". Confused

) Other husbands are "chubby chasers", who have a fixation for overweight women. This can lead them to sabotage all efforts on your part to lose weight.

Back to your DH's original concerns, does he think he's still treating you badly? Does he really fear that his secrets will get out? If so, he needs to do teshuvah, and learn to deal with the guilt he's feeling. It's not fair to you to carry his burden like that. Your health is at stake!

imamiri

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 1:12 am

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

People who need OA do not need it because they cannot count calories. They need it because eating is a compulsion. Like alcohol for those in AA and drugs for those in NA. They know there's 4000 calories in those 2 gallons of ice cream they just ate. But they couldn't stop themselves. OA teaches them to deal with it by eliminating triggers and abstaining from trigger foods and teaches them coping mechanisms so they do not turn to food.

33055

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 1:18 am

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

I was just answering her part in the op about other programs. I wasn't touting MFP over OA. In my community there is some resistance to the program for religious reasons. I am not sure, but I think it has to do with the belief in a higher power part.

BTW what is a trigger food?

bamamama

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 1:28 am

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

It's because people fear what they do not know. You also believe in a Higher Power, correct? A trigger food is a food which you cannot stop eating even when you know that you've had enough - or more than enough. For me, one is pasta. I can eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese all by myself and still want more.

imamiri

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 1:37 am

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

That's really sad they would shy away from it. AA or NA or OA doesn't tell you what Higher Power to believe in.

Trigger foods Bama explained. But OA also teaches people how to deal with emotions or events that may trigger an eating binge. Learning to cope without needing to eat through a problem or situation.

MFP is awesome for regular dieting. Kinda blows your mind away just how many calories are in some things.

33055

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 1:55 am

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

I think they believe calling Hashem a higher post when he is the highest power is the problem. I really don't know. I couldn't get up in front of a group of people like they do.

Why the trigger? Is it emotional? Or is there something in that food that doesn't allow you to be satisfied like salt in diet soda which creates its own thirst?

imamiri

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 2:03 am

Squishy wrote:

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

Here is R Twerski's opinion on 12 Step Programs:

http://www.aish.com/sp/pg/Juda......html

imamiri

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 2:05 am

Squishy wrote:

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

For some people, they cannot handle certain emotions. Or they just do not know how to. Loneliness, anger, sadness, sometimes even joy, they will turn to something unhealthy to cope with the feelings. Drugs, alcohol, sx, [filth], gambling or in this case, food.

bamamama

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 2:06 am

Squishy wrote:

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

Well, not everyone has to agree with chareidi Judaism that Hashem is the highest power. The guy sitting next to you in the meeting (egads! mixed seating!!!) might think Jebus is the highest power. It doesn't matter. IME, most people don't dwell on the exact specifics of their higher power. Or at least they shouldn't if the group is following the OA 12 Traditions.

Compulsive overeating is an addiction. Like alcohol or like a drug. It's a disease of the body and an obsession of the mind. An example: if I have a party in my house and someone sets a piece of cake on the mantle and leaves it there, I'm extremely aware of it. How could someone leave a perfectly good piece of cakethere? If it were mine I'd eat it all right now. Maybe I can. Maybe it will still be there after the party and I can eat it then. Maybe I should just slip it into the fridge so it's definitely still there later... do you see how sick this is? It's a party! I should be talking to people and having fun. But my diseased mind is obsessing about a stupid piece of cake.

It doesn't really matter what the cause is. In working the 12 steps of OA, I have tools to help my body and mind recover from the disease of compulsive overeating.

ValleyMom

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 2:14 am

As someone who is well versed in the 12 step life style I would like to say a few things:

Tell your husband that when people DO share there is NO pressure to share ALL the details leading up to a food binge...
For Example, IF you and DH have an argument that escalates and he storms out of the house in a huff and you dive head first into a bag of chips the share could sound something like this:

I had a disagreement with a person who would not engage in an adult liek exchange. Instead this person ran away and that made me want to eat an entire bag of chips.

SEE? No Lashon hara.

The blottom line is OA teaches the compulsive overeater to use the TWELVE STEPS AND EIGHT TOOLS when life becomes unmanageable. IN a situation such as that your new BFF is your phone and your OA BUDDIES.

YOU make a call and tell your OA Buddy you are making an outreach call because life is NOT going your way and you are convinced the naswer to all lifes problems will be found at the bottom of a pringles can.

The other caller will offer you support and guidance so you don't feel compelled to overeat.

NOW---

IF women in your community all atttend the same 3 meetings and the anonymity has been breached you should picth that at the podium. It may sound like this:
"I don't feel comfortable sharing at the group level because when I was at the market I overheard 2 members sharing what someone had shared at the meeting. This is a bereach in privace and it affects my recovery."

As far as the religous aspect...

Higher Power = Hashem.

But because OA is not alligned with any religous organization Higher Power does not have any religous name.

My ONLY issue was in reciting the Lords Prayer which happened a lot. I am a people pleaser and so I learned to say it quickly because I didnt want to hurt anyones feelings. Eventually I realized NOBODY cared wether I said it or not.

Ultimately I had my own version:
....Give us today our daily abstinence
and deliver us from sugar and white flower
for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory foreever amen

Today I just stand quietly while the prayer is recited.

I hope this is not too long winded.