DH DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO JOIN OA

33055

Sat, Oct 26 2013, 11:19 pm

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

bamamama wrote:

Squishy wrote:

imamiri wrote:

Squishy wrote:

You can try MyFitnessPal. IMO it is important to keep track of your calories. You can make yourself accountable to a group or even make friends there. I have been pretty successful with that program.

People who need OA do not need it because they cannot count calories. They need it because eating is a compulsion. Like alcohol for those in AA and drugs for those in NA. They know there's 4000 calories in those 2 gallons of ice cream they just ate. But they couldn't stop themselves. OA teaches them to deal with it by eliminating triggers and abstaining from trigger foods and teaches them coping mechanisms so they do not turn to food.

I was just answering her part in the op about other programs. I wasn't touting MFP over OA. In my community there is some resistance to the program for religious reasons. I am not sure, but I think it has to do with the belief in a higher power part.

BTW what is a trigger food?

It's because people fear what they do not know. You also believe in a Higher Power, correct? A trigger food is a food which you cannot stop eating even when you know that you've had enough - or more than enough. For me, one is pasta. I can eat a whole box of macaroni and cheese all by myself and still want more.

I think they believe calling Hashem a higher post when he is the highest power is the problem. I really don't know. I couldn't get up in front of a group of people like they do.

Why the trigger? Is it emotional? Or is there something in that food that doesn't allow you to be satisfied like salt in diet soda which creates its own thirst?

Well, not everyone has to agree with chareidi Judaism that Hashem is the highest power. The guy sitting next to you in the meeting (egads! mixed seating!!!) might think Jebus is the highest power. It doesn't matter. IME, most people don't dwell on the exact specifics of their higher power. Or at least they shouldn't if the group is following the OA 12 Traditions.

Compulsive overeating is an addiction. Like alcohol or like a drug. It's a disease of the body and an obsession of the mind. An example: if I have a party in my house and someone sets a piece of cake on the mantle and leaves it there, I'm extremely aware of it. How could someone leave a perfectly good piece of cakethere? If it were mine I'd eat it all right now. Maybe I can. Maybe it will still be there after the party and I can eat it then. Maybe I should just slip it into the fridge so it's definitely still there later... do you see how sick this is? It's a party! I should be talking to people and having fun. But my diseased mind is obsessing about a stupid piece of cake.

It doesn't really matter what the cause is. In working the 12 steps of OA, I have tools to help my body and mind recover from the disease of compulsive overeating.

WOW I feel for you. It does sound like a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I once knew a man who went to AA and talked about it as if it was his religion. He was a drunk in the street without it. With AA he had a good life. It is perhaps this evangelistic enthusiasm that scars some people. IDK.

I wish you every success. If I felt like you describe I might be able to speak up in a roomful of people.

ChossidMom

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 7:06 am

OP, I spent many years in the rooms of OA and CEA HOW. Sometimes it was very empowering and sometimes it was awful. I don't want to go into everything that I think about "The Program" but I do want to share a few things with you.

1. Yes. They announce at every meeting that everything that is said in the room should stay in the room. But I guarantee you that many people's anonymity was broken. You're not even supposed to tell people that so and so is in the program or that you saw someone at a meeting. You're not supposed to discuss stuff that was brought up in a meeting EVEN with someone who was there and heard it too. Do people adhere to this rule? Some but not all. So, never ever ever say something in a meeting that you don't want other people to know (something like posting on imamother...).

2. Here is something to think about that may or may not have happened to other people and may or may not be a problem for you. But it was for me. I had a sponsor whom I adored. She was older than me, smart, funny and wonderful at pointing stuff out to me about myself (mostly good stuff). It was ideal. Except for one thing. My husband felt that my relationship with my sponsor was coming between my relationship with him. I kicked and screamed and didn't know what to do. Eventually, I left the sponsor and eventually I left CEA HOW but I'll tell you this - HE WAS RIGHT. He never forbade me from going or from talking to my sponsor. But I knew that he was right.

ChossidMom

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 8:02 am

ValleyMom wrote:

Chossidmom, that is very interesting can you please elaborate HOW your sponsor came between you and your husband.

No, I can't. I don't even remember. I just remember being very dependant upon her and her opinions and it could be that I was communicating less with my husband as a result. All I know is that he noticed it and although I denied it, he turned out to be right. BTW he wasn't against me going to meetings. He always felt that I came home in a very good place. Now, he is against me going to meetings because I have had weight loss surgery and he feels that the "old" methods won't work for me anymore.
OA is certainly a good fit for some people. Just not for me. And I have other friends and family that would never set foot in a CEA HOW meeting again as they felt that it was very bad for them. (Rules and regulations about sharing in a meeting etc. OA is less punitive).

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 10:05 am

I know for myself (a compulsive overeater/sugar addict) OA was a literal lifesaver. I spent many many meetings sitting quietly in the corner just taking in the strength and hope the meeting had to offer. I was one who dove headfirst into food if I felt sad/mad/lonely/upset/happy. Food was my best friend. I felt comforted by it. It was a blanket of security I wrapped around me and as my weight ballooned, I felt even more connected to my food. It never judged or stared at my rapidly disappearing waistline. I was a people pleaser who never seemed to be able to please all the people all the time and food was an escape from reality. I didn't need to face my inefficiencies and weaknesses as long as my mind and body were completely absorbed with food. OA has taught me a new way. Food is not the answer, food is an escape from my reality. I learned to face my fears and challenges and ask what Hashem would want me to do next. I find His Hand in all I do and in each situation I find myself in. I no longer turn to food to soothe the raw places inside of me. Instead I am able to really feel. And although sometimes they are painful feelings I cannot say I would want it any other way.

My husband was nervous about OA. He spoke to his Rav about it and gained clarity and chizzuk. he learned to hold my hand through my difficulties. He came to understand that there was nothing questionable about the program although in the beginning he couldn't see how soeaking about a "Higher Power" wasn't apikorsus. He sees the person I am becoming with the gentle support and encouragement of my group. He saw how accepting a group of people can be to an obese woman, how their unconditional love and support flowed through the phone wires. How when I faced medical challenges with a child, carefully weighed and measured meals were lovingly delivered to my home and hospital room. That my friend, is the magic of OA.

And while the work is my own to do and it is a struggle, the OA model and the twelve steps are really a lifeline thrown to me when I was at the brink.

Tell your husband that if he loves you and believes in you this is the step you need to take.

ValleyMom

Sun, Oct 27 2013, 6:09 pm

Hey chossid Mom thanks for the reply I hear what you are saying and there is some truth in it.

Personally OA didn't work for me and my sponsor guided me to Alanon to help me deal with my core issues.

Growing up my older brother was an alcoholic and that wreaked havoc on my childhood home.

Growing up in the chaos of alcoholism and addiction really affects everyone in the household.

Today I am BH terrific and although I have A LOT of weight to lose I am ready to tackle it head on.

It turns out my health insurance has a wellness component that offers significantly reduced rates for area gyms as well weight watchers. I never knew this until today.

Pretty crazy how you "discover" the things you need when you least expect it!

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

DH does not want me to join OA. He feels that it is like a group therapy place and everyone there is sharing their lives/problems in public. He says that this is Loshon Hora, and airs your "dirty laundry" in public. I know there is supposed to be a confidentiality agreement there, but I have seen firsthand from friends and family that things that were supposed to be kept confidential from the OA meetings have been "leaked".

I am severely overweight and I am not sure what weight loos program to try at this point.

Any thoughts on the matter?

I totally understand where you are coming from as well as where your husband is coming from as well. When I first started going to face-to-face meetings after I got married, my husband once asked me in a most gentle but hurt manner, "how is it that you will walk into a room full of strangers, pour your heart out to them, but you won't turn to the man who loves you so much and just wants to be there for you".

And he had every right to feel that way. My answer was, "I don't want you to see the parts of me that I hate and am ashamed of". He struggled with the concept of me being "powerless" over food....he said that it scared him to think of his new wife as being powerless over something, and that perhaps I was underestimating how strong I am. He also wasn't crazy about me going to a non-Jewish support group; he kept telling me I should try to make a frum equivalent of OA in the frum community. My answer was that there unfortunately is no such thing as anonymity in the frum community and so there wouldn't be safety in the meetings. And personally I like going to meetings where no one knows me really in my personal life and I can get emotionally "naked".

That being said, I've learned that I don't need to share my deepest darkest secrets in order to be part of a meeting. And the more I've worked the steps and been able to see my side of situations, the less I even talk about other people in my shares any more just about my own struggles with the character defects I wish to have removed.

I love listening to phone meetings, which btw may be a good start before going to a face-to-face meeting if you want to see what the shares are like. I would listen to meetings in the car, and I would listen on a headset because I figured my husband wouldn't want to hear. But then he asked me to put them on speaker and he hears them too. And he hears the amazing stories of character development and how people have made lasting changes in their lives. He sees that when we argue now, I will apologize within minutes and will be open to taking feedback from him on how I can grow....that used to be so hard for us because I couldn't take accountability for my actions. Now, sometimes my husband will once in a while call or text me because the simcha he is at has some food that he is tempted to eat but doesn't want to because it's not healthy-- and he's not even in OA!!!

I think that because I give my husband attention and always communicate how much I love him and appreciate him, he doesn't feel as concerned threatened that I am part of OA. He sees it makes me more sane and that frankly, I don't talk about my body all the time and how fat I am!!! When I'm feeling fat and gross, I am mean and never want to be intimate. With OA, I am able to present in my body even if it's not perfect and in turn, I want to be with him physically.

Bottom line: I am a compulsive eater and will never be normal. THanks to OA I can enjoy life and actually want to connect to Hashem because I'm not soiled with food, both physically and emotionally.

As it says in the song "Hotel California" by the EAgles, "you can check out anytime you'd like but you can never leave".

I can check out of OA, but I'll never leave being a compulsive person in nature. But thanks to OA, I don't have to behave like one.

21young

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:30 am

I really don't like the way you titled the thread "doesn't allow." In your post you say that DH doesn't want you do to OA, but that's not the same as "doesn't allow." In this aspect, either you or he needs to refocus.

In response to your dilemma, I know someone personally who has been on OA for many years. It was a lifesaver for her, and definitely helped minimize her mood swings. However, I also see the negative effects which she doesn't see, since she is immersed in it.
There is no doubt in my mind that the supposed confidentiality does not exist. She has told me many things about OA members that she shouldn't have, and I'm sure they have also disclosed things about her that she doesn't want people to know. The nature of the program is that you speak to your sponsor and sponsees every day, so she undoubtedly tells them about what's going in her life, unwittingly revealing private issues.

Also, OA is not about eating healthy, it's about sticking to a rigid program. I know that the way she eats today is definitely healthier than the way she ate when she was overweight, but at the end of the day she leads a terribly unhealthy lifestyle. She does not eat nutritious foods and does not exercise at all.

Your DH has some valid points. The two of you need to discuss this with a rav or someone you both respect.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 11:54 am

amother wrote:

Amother, I wish I knew who you are. This is a really beautiful, brave, and honest post. I really want to thank you for taking the time to type this all out, and give you a million "hugs" and "likes"!

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 12:04 pm

21young wrote:

I don't know it sounds to me like this post is more about your friend/relative than it is about the program itself. Judaism has a lot of people who don't practice it properly; that doesn't mean that there is something flawed about the religion. People are people. Be happy for your friend/relative that they found a "lifesaver", and stop being a willing listener when they repeat things to you that they shouldn't.

amother

Wed, Oct 30 2013, 12:27 pm

21young wrote:

And you, of course, have so much respect for confidentiality by writing this post on imamother.