What Do You Get When You Mix ADHD, And Extreme Defiance?

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 9:29 am

Chizuk please!

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 9:58 am

Sorry, I accidentally left anxiety out of the recipe.

animeme

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 10:31 am

A really high therapy bill?

For both of you... It's got to be hard to tease all of that out and figure out what to treat and how. Feed your own needs as much as possible and know that there are other people out there dealing with complicated and frustrating kids, even if you feel really alone. Know that it's OK if sometimes you don't feel like you like him at all, but try to find a therapist or behaviorist for him who will.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 10:53 am

my oldest son was/ is like this. you need a lot of support. choose your battles carefully, if you are married try not to let it effect your shalom bayit. it's very, very hard. daven that Hshem give you the wisdom to raise him according to his derech. try to find a place where he can shine, because these children, under all their stuff they dish out, feel very bad about themselves. boy scouts, swimming, sports, karate or science. they need an area where they can feel good about themselves. Try also to say one positive thing to them a day, so it's not all negative. I feel your pain. hugs and much bracha to you and your child.

debsey

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:01 am

Therapy! Lots and lots. Parenting classes. And then, very well earned nachas. Trust me. Been there.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:16 am

op here - I am going to keep my posts purple to avoid confusion.

We've been doing therapy - lots of it. I just sometimes wonder if it'll ever end?
Regarding interfering in our shalom bayis, we BH have a great marriage but this is definitely something that rocks it.
We try to be positive.
We are so focused on this child that we are really not there for the rest of my children to the extent that we should be. The rest of the kids are really suffering form his behavior on a personal level as well.

imasinger

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:55 am

Gray hairs. A gradual increase (hopefully) in the ability to stay calm when faced with a meltdown. An increased need (for me, at least) to hear someone validate how hard it is and what an amazing job I'm doing.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 12:30 pm

Any ideas of how to deal with the other children that are being affected negatively by all this? I'm feeling so guilty.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 1:03 pm

I think it's impossible

I just tell myself hashem gave us this challenge - meaning all of us mean and my kids

truth is dh is suffering the most as he wont' accept ds and is disgusted by him even when he is behaving.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 1:04 pm

same amother from above

what helps me is to tell myself Hashem gave me this challenge and he can remove it - and I take each frustration and daven to Hashem to help me

B"H we have seen improvement but it's very slow and ups and downs

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 4:54 pm

This sounds like my life. I have a child who is diagnosed ADHD, ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) as well as acute anxieties. She is a teenager now and behavior is out of control most days with little kids witnessing daily outbursts of curses and foul language.

I have other children with other issues as well that are extremely taxing.

We have been in therapy for so many years and I have to say what is working the most for me now is a new parenting class that I am taking that doesn't let me use their excuses to understand/warrant bad behavior. They are meant to be treated like regular children and this change has to come from me. I am learning to see my kids in a different light and to not feel guilty for their behavior. I am realizing that they have to bear responsibility for their own actions and I have to stop my involvement in certain issues. I am giving a gift to my kids to grow up independently, be responsible and learn to adapt and be productive in our family and society. Shefer Approach This is totally the opposite of other methods I have tried from years of therapy and finally, I see a ray of hope. Maybe look into this.

The diagnosis of these labels doesn't have to change anything - in fact, it worsens the situation because now you see your kids as capable of terrible things instead of the best that they can be. I am learning to see my kids in a positive light and I am getting rid of the guilt that perhaps I haven't done enough.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 7:32 pm

Different imamother here - OP, I feel and empathize with your pain and frustration. I just got off the phone with *another* therapist, this one charges almost 200/hr (1 hr per week)... where in the world is THIS therapist's money coming from? And this is not my only child like this - just my oldest...

I do think that we cannot lose focus of who REALLY is suffering the most though - the child! Ever candidly speak to them about how they feel about themselves? Ever truly assess their self worth? Let me tell you from a personal and professional standpoint - most of these kids feel like garbage :'( They feel like the "bad" kids, like there's no hope for them, that they will never measure up to "regular" kids. They have extreme guilt and remorse - in the moment it's so so difficult to control themselves - and once they've realized what they've done (turn back to "themselves"), they crave crawling under the house... Hashem yerachem they suffer so much, no one should belittle that :'( :'(

Yes, they need firm limits. Most families need some sort of therapy or parent training/coaching. Shalom bayis... if only the world realized how hard this "secret problem" is on us... If only they actually did give out parenting awards - you know we'd all get one Wink

Hatzlacha - you're not alone. Maybe we could form some sort of support group? Part of the pain is definitely the isolation... :'( :'( I'd be on board!

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 8:12 pm

I have a so like this too. I want to give up, he is so hard and draining. I unfortunately know how you feel.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 8:33 pm

I truly know EXACTLY the child you are describing. My son is 16 and nothing has been easy. I started a story group in my area for mothers with children like this , and I can tell you that you are not alone. Get real support from people who really understand where you are coming from, who you can send a text out to and they will respond so you know you're not alone. Therapy and meds are great, but we still need to be with these children and sometimes those hours are the longest, hardest, hours of our lives.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 8:35 pm

I'm the amother from above, I started a support group, not a story group....lol

pelle

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 8:52 pm

don't know if it's possible for you, but are you able to have special alone time out with each of your other children? like a rotation every other week that child gets their night out with just one of you? meaning you or your husband. your difficult child should be included in the rotation.

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 10:42 pm

amother wrote:

OMG, are you me??? This is exactly what's going on in my house!! I'm following this for good advice!

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:03 pm

I wish I could offer you advice, but that's not DD's issue. I can tell you some second hand stories though.

My BFF has 5 kids, 3 have severe ODD and ADHD, along with all kinds of sensory issues. All 3 were total nightmare kids, each in their own ways. The oldest girl tantrumed, screamed, threw things, slammed doors, often in front of company, she just didn't care. This went on until she was around 13. Slowly, slowly she started improving after that. She's about to have her 16th birthday, and she's the most DELIGHTFUL girl to have around. I actually enjoy sitting down and talking with her. She's calm, respectful, responsible - if I hadn't seen her younger self with my own eyes, I'd never believe that she was a problem child.

The second oldest, a boy, is now 14, and is starting to shape up. He still has his moments, but learning Kung Fu has helped him a lot. He davens and learns very hard, even though he has serious learning difficulties. He's sweet and funny, and I think that when he matures he will be an amazing young man.

The 5 year old - well, let's just say that I refuse to babysit her. There's only so much my nerves can take, and a few minutes in the same room with her is more than enough. I pray for her parents!

The two neurotypical kids in the middle seem to take it all in stride, because the parents give them extra one on one time.

Another friend of mine has a beautiful daughter, very quiet and calm, who got straight A's in high school, went to university on a full scholarship, and now has a high paying job with the government. Her parents love to tell stories about what a drama queen she was as a child, screaming, destroying things, talking back, etc. I'm like "Sarah? Are you talking about YOUR Sarah? No way!"

So, I guess what I'm trying to say here, is yes, I know how awful things are right now, and I hope you find the coping skills you need to get through all these trying years. I just want you to know that I personally know kids who have grown up to be wonderful people, and their initial challenges have made them determined, confident, young adults who won't let ANYTHING get in their way. Try to look at the challenges your kid has now as "future assets", and imagine how those traits will serve them as adults.

There IS hope! Hug

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:07 pm

amother wrote:

OMG, are you me??? This is exactly what's going on in my house!! I'm following this for good advice!

I think we are all me! Only someone who lives with such a child can fathom what goes on and how it impacts every minute of our lives.
Humor is usually what keeps us going. But sometimes the going get so tough that...

amother

Tue, Jul 08 2014, 11:12 pm

Frantic Frummie, thank you! I look around and see so many teens and adults that do not have success endings that it's scary to think about the future. more than scary. Petrifying. I need to also look at all the success stories and focus on them. Thank you Smile

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next