HUGE mistake in career choice

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 1:48 pm

Regarding working in a school - I don't know where you live but it isn't always through the board of ed.
I know people who have worked in public schools through providers such as catholic charities. They do group sessions (like kindergarten social skills and parent education courses) and private counseling and report back to a supervisor. It can be done while getting in the initial hours. Its year round but during the summer and school break its a much lighter load because you only have to meet with student's in their homes.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:07 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Thank you tichellady. I wanted to say this as well. OP, this is not your husband giving HIS money. It is BOTH of you using YOUR money to further your FAMILY'S income.

When you are married money is the couple's, not one or the others.

It's not always that simple. My husband came into the marriage with a significant yerusha. Yes, that was HIS money, it didn't become mine just because we got married. Of course, he has used that money for OUR family (to buy a house, and yes, to pay for some of my education so I could get a good job), but I would never think of it as being as much mine as his. His name is on that account, and though he always runs things by me, ultimately he gets to decide if we're going to use that money for XYZ or if we're going to use money from our joint account, which is, of course, OURS.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:10 pm

Hey, give it some time. Right out of school things are usually stressful. Once you're licensed you'll have more options and flexibility. Gam zeh yaavor. Your field is emotionally draining to begin with, so add on the mommy guilt and long hours and you don't have a good situation. You've got to refocus, OP. Give yourself some time each day to think about why you're doing what you're doing, and to daven for the people you're working with. You get to bring light into the world with your work, OP; you're blessed to be able to do something meaningful. And read some organizing books and get things together so you have nourishing meals and are taking care of yourself. Don't forget to sleep!

chani8

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:22 pm

You sound so miserable in this current situation. First of all, you've got to get over the guilt of spending that money on school.

I don't know how old you are now, but if there is any way to slow your career down for the next 10 years while you raise your kids, you'll be happy after they're grown, to have this degree.

I didn't finish my degree and now my kids are grown and oh how I wish I had that psych degree. After raising my kids, I would make a great developmental psychologist, or family counselor. Wink

There has to be something else you can do that fits for you and your family. But you can't solve problems when your clogged up with guilt. Feel the feelings, then let.them.go. If you need to apologize to your DH and tell him he was right, or something, then suck up and do it, if it will mend this between you. And ask him to help you fix the situation. Seems he wants you home, too. So for that, you two share the same goal.

Now if I misunderstood and you love your work but feel guilty for not being around, then do correct me. Either way, guilt is the problem. Try a little cognitive psychology on that guilt thing.

newmommy:)

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:49 pm

A little off topic, but may actually be whats causing u more agmas nefesh (even more than the HUGE mistake)
I'm also married to a guy who came in with a significant yerusha. I havn't been married long (2 years) but it was something that we had to work on together to make it feel like it waasn't HIS money. I totally understand the feeling of every argument coming back to this, butyou have to figure this out with your husband!
if you can't figure it out on your own, then find someone competent and objective (rav, therapist etc) to help you figure it out. you need to feel like a unit, as others previously mentioned....
this was also said before, but people maake mistakes. even big ones. I was in college for 3 years and changed my major 4 times!!!
and I still dont know what I want to be "when I grow up" Wink

the most important thing is to come to a good conclusion - with your husband. if you can really really work toether with him then you wont feel bad about the money and youll be able to be honest with him - who will hopeuflly be able to work together with you to figure out the next step.

and honestly? I think most men like to feel right. so if he needs to say I told you so? just let him! say "I know you told me so. but now can we figure this out together cuz that's in the past and now were here in the now."

hatzlocha rabba! I hope this year brings you simcha in whatever you decide to do!

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:36 pm

OP here, thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and chizuk! I should just stick this out until I get my license (a little over a year) and then if I want to take a break and reevaluate I can, right?

I actually did tell DH that he was right and it did make things better but I still feel bad, and it does still come up.

I'm talking to myself here: It's normal for women to put their careers on the side to raise kids, and when they are older I'll at least have a license and then decide what I want to do. right? right?

debsey

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:39 pm

amother wrote:

Repeat after me: NO LEARNING IS EVER WASTED. You will use it for something, at some point. Life doesn't always work out in such a linear fashion.

newmommy:)

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:44 pm

just one more quick thing that DH always tells me (and then im off to bed!! israel style Smile

)
Gd Himself runs on plan B! Hashems whole plan was to have adam and chava in gan eden and bliss for eternity, but then things changed and this entire world is plan B!
Like everyone has said, no education is ever ever wasted. If it makes sense for you to put aside your career for now, to be a full time mommy then wonderful! and of course the education can be used at a later date. thats totally totally normal!

Enjoy ur kiddies, Enjoy ur marriage, and roll with the punches Smile

If Hashem can run on plan B, you shouldn't feel too bad about it either Smile

princessleah

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:48 pm

How long have you been at your job? You only need a year, why would you need hours for a little over a year? Are you doing liaison work for a psych ER or something? That can be really really tough.

Here's the one best piece of advice I can give you-- study for the licensing exam NOW. Just kill yourself this year. And you will be so happy that as soon as you are done with the hours, you will have your license. Book a date for the exam let's say in May and just study your tuchis off right now. How old are the kids? Can DH help out so you can have some study time?

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:08 pm

I need 3000 hours. That's about a year and a half of full time and I'm working for 5 months now. I work for a human services agency, nothing as intense as a psych ER. the actual work is not stressful, it's more aobut the long hours away from my kids and not having time to do anything.

I know I should be studying for my exam but I really HATE school and am the procrastinating type so I won't do it until I absolutely have to.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:09 pm

newmommy:) wrote:

just one more quick thing that DH always tells me (and then im off to bed!! israel style Smile

If Hashem can run on plan B, you shouldn't feel too bad about it either Smile

these are amazing words! thank you!

princessleah

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:12 pm

amother wrote:

Wow, that's a lot!!! Do you mind saying what state you're in? In NY you only need 1750 post-doc hours!

dancingqueen

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:19 pm

you really dont know if you made a terrible mistake yet. it sounds like you just dont like working full time and your dh isnt being super supportive about your career since you seem unhappy and he never liked this career choice. But I strongly agree with the advice that you should get your training and your liscence now even if it sucks right now. once you have that you can switch to part time or even staying home until your kids are older, since it sounds like your dh makes enough to support you (although im not sure why you cant get benefits through him?).

the longer you put taking those tests off the harder it is to go back and get them done, and then you have something to fall back on.

Last edited by dancingqueen on Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:40 pm

I totally agree that education is never a waste. The world is your oyster.
My cousin got a BA in poli Sci and then got an M. ed. When she moved to the States, she got a job at a major web site using her teaching skills, but in Adult Training and Human Resources. She LOVES her work

I have a BA in English Lit. I have never worked in, nor WANTED to work in the related fields. I just wanted to get done University and get on with my life. I have worked in numerous fields, that are as diverse as the social services and construction. And now, I am a caterer. Typically, I write exceptionally well and am highly articulate. The skills I used in University are often applicable to my life and ongoing learning (seriously, the actual list of jobs goes like this- closet orgaization store, group home, low income housing provider, home day care provider, marketing at an optical store chain, construction and catering.All post university.) Oh and that doesn't include my time as a SAHM and all my volunteer work.

My English Degree has NOT ONE THING to do with any of those careers but the big thing is if you consider how diverse the above list is and the fact that I am competent in all the fields above means that I know how to LEARN. And my education gave that to me even though I never wanted to work in my field.

I am betting that you have a lot of ways that you could use your education, with your degree being the sign to your employer that you have achieved a certain level of competence, discipline and learning.

Hatzlacha Raba!

Fox

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 4:41 pm

I don't think it's obvious that you made a mistake at all. No matter the field, the first professional job out of school is usually . . . lousy. Almost every successful professional I've known in health sciences, financial services, education, or IT spent 2-5 years working like a dog under difficult conditions for a comparative pittance.

Yes, I know. Your parents' neighbor's niece graduated from [fill-in-the-blank] school and waltzed into a job earning $150,000 a year while working only 20 hours a week and gets full benefits plus a doggie day care allowance. Sorry if I'm skeptical. Even when such stories are factually true, there is often some extenuating factor that gave the individual an unusual advantage, such as the ability to speak Croatian or construct origami swans or whatever.

It sounds to me like you're following a pretty standard career path in mental health, and as you get more experience as well as whatever licensure you need, more opportunities will open up -- and those opportunities will come with better hours and better pay.

First, start by managing your own and your DH's expectations. Your job now is analogous to a physician's residency. Had you attended medical school, no one would expect you to walk directly into a private practice or impressive hospital job. In fact, you wouldn't even be allowed to do so! This is the same thing. Even though you officially graduated, the first few years of work are really still part of your education.

Second, keep your eyes open, your resume ready, and network, network, network. Stay active on professional forums; attend workshops; reach out to people who seem to have interesting jobs . . . that is how you will find opportunities. Don't be afraid to job-hop a bit during the first few years -- this can actually be an advantage as long as you do it in a mentchlikeit way.

Ultimately, spending a few years to build a career that you actually find interesting generally leads to a much more fulfilling and lucrative lifestyle than entering a field simply because the pay happens to be good at the time you entered school.

debsey

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 5:08 pm

newmommy:) wrote:

just one more quick thing that DH always tells me (and then im off to bed!! israel style Smile

If Hashem can run on plan B, you shouldn't feel too bad about it either Smile

I LOVE this quote. I'm going to print it up and hang it on my fridge. SO TRUE........ Your dh is a really smart guy!