Is it possible to just be friends with a Male?

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 12:21 pm

Is it possible?

I have really been having a rough time...with shidduchim... One guy I went out with one time, asked me if we could just be friends and talk.

We enjoy talking, but just a friendship...atleast on myside I enjoy it..

How do u keep it as a friendship? I know he's having a REALLY hard time with sidduchim, due to genetic issues it would take a REALLY special woman.

I just do not feel like he is for me, or that we are a match.

Does any of the rambling make sense??

su7kids

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 12:24 pm

I'm not sure its possible. Rabbi Manis Friedman says there's no such thing as "just friendship" with men and women.

One of you is going to think more of the relationship than the other at some point.

I don't recommend it.

amother

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 12:43 pm

Mitzvahmom,

After many years of life, both me and my husband came to the conclusion that friendship between a man and a woman IS NOT POSSIBLE.

On the male side, it always will be, a hope, desire, even subconscious, for something more. On the woman's side it will always be satisfaction and self-validation from being liked by a male. Even if the woman doesn't admit it to herself.

Let him go, its best for him. Nurturing this frienship on his side will detract him from his search for a wife. And you are.... being used.

Ima'la

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 12:46 pm

Not really possible...and even if it can theoretically happen, you'll never know if it really is, b/c maybe he's lying so that you'll continue to be friends and maybe one day.....

Listen to R' Orlofsky's tape on Platonic Relationships...besides his excellent points, it is hysterically funny! And he'll tell you what the guys are really thinking.

Also, I think it's a particularly not-good idea while you're in shidduchim...

(Good luck!....)

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 1:01 pm

amother wrote:

On the woman's side it will always be satisfaction and self-validation from being liked by a male. Even if the woman doesn't admit it to herself.

Of course I admit that it's nice to have male attension... I would never lie or say it's not..

I guess you are all right... it's too hard, but so are shidduchim..

I think we were both just feeling frustrated about shidduchim, and needed someone that we enjoy talking with. I should just let him go...thanks..

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 1:09 pm

amother wrote:

And you don't get the same satisfaction from talking to a woman friend?

OF COURSE!!! this was the first time I have done anything like this since I became Frum...like 11 years ago!

I am not into makeup, dressing up or anything girly. So growing up I had more male friends, I was not frum so it was normal.

Even now adays, I love my kids but I do not constantly talk about them nor do I like to be a Yenta!! So sometimes it's is frustrating talking to women, I have a couple (one of two close friends) female of course.

amother

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 1:21 pm

So you are gender neutral? You can be friends with males or females and find them the same satisfying? Have you not got an attraction for men? I think that's what the others are trying to say, that the attraction is what could lead to an uncomfortable or hurtful situation.

I'm going to pm you so you know who I am.

cdawnr

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 3:49 pm

IN addition to the hidden pitfalls of one person actually having more feelings than is being stated,
I think you also hurt yourself in shidduchim because you might start thinking, You know I like this guy, but he isn't as easy to talk to as Plony...

creativemommyto3

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 3:59 pm

I think on one level you can. When I was fifteen until I came home from shana bet, I had a guy friend who I feel was truly a friend to me. I never would have survived my parents stormy marriage and divorce without him. Sometimes I still wish I could call him up and say hi cuz I feel so eternally grateful but I was advise not to. It is very hard.

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 4:30 pm

A. he wants something completely that's not me, SAHM (not that there is anything wrong with that) it's just not me. Also he wants someone that enjoys dressing up and wearing makeup (also not me).

B. He's not dafka lubavitch.

We just enjoy talking, sometimes.. Esp when he needs to hear a woman's view on certain things. Like if he wants to buy a present for someoen, he tells me about her and I give suggestions.. He looks into shidduchim for me, finding out the "guys" view etc... social..

It's not that I am gender neutral, I just was sucha tom boy growing up. I grew up having male friends.. This is my first male friend in YEARS, I have found female friends but sometimes it's nice to get a male view on things.

queen

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 4:44 pm

are these the only 2 reasons why you wont consider marrying him, or is it also due to the genetic issue you mentioned earlier. IMO the two items just mentioned in your last post are not reasons not to marry someone, especially as we're dealing with shidduchim in another realm this time round. If you enjoy his company, he respects and cares for you, and he likes your kids---- why can't he be for you?????????

shoy18

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 4:47 pm

queen wrote:

I agree with queen!!!!

Mitzvahmom

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 4:52 pm

A. the genetic issues are HUGE! (I.e. could be I cannot have anymore kids)

B. We just do not click like that..

amother

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 8:16 pm

I am friends with a guy, and I have to say it is a totally different type of friendship than with a girlfriend. Its refreshing to get a male's point of view on things.

greenfire

Mon, Jun 04 2007, 9:03 pm

hey ... just so happens to be that I am friends with a guy ... but for the longest time I was always nervous about what he was thinking because for me it was just friends ... I always made sure he knew this - but with me it was no problem because it was never about that - and was relieved when he got married - and we are still friends

what you are talking about is a man that was a potential guy ... that makes it a bit different ... if I were to break up with a guy I was going out with, I simply could not imagine being friends without crossing over the boundaries at times - even if only in my head ...