Bedtime help! I am loosing my mind. So is ds

amother

Yellow

Wed, Jun 10 2015, 5:36 pm

Ds 4 is a very high strung stressed out little boy. (He is also really smart and cute and...)
He never slept more than 10-10.5 hrs at night. He is very sensory. He loves to listen and make people happy, but never got the concept of mommy is the boss. So he is mostly a good kid. But very demanding. And makes request in an adult tone. And gets very upset when his requests r not fulfilled. Lately he's taken that to an extreme level. Like getting upset that the Legos r not listening when he has trouble stacking them. Or the magma tiles r not doing what he tells them to do when his tower collapses.

This has turned bedtime into the perfect storm. 8pm bedtime after the same old routine he gets into bed. I tuck him in. Begin to say Shema. So far so good. Then he starts fussing that his blanket is no good. After several adjustments I remind him that it is quiet time. After a few more minutes the kvetching gets very loud and starts to turn into crying/screaming. I tell him that if he wants me to stay in his room he must be quiet. (I sit with him till he's asleep) I gently count to ten. The screaming stops. Then starts again. I leave the room. Eventually he will follow me down the hall and continue screaming. I keep taking him back to his bed and reminding him that he needs to be quiet. Eventually, sometime after 9pm he conks out. In the interim both his siblings wake from the noise and need to be settled back to bed (they're both great sleepers bh)
Heeeelp!

eastsidemother

Wed, Jun 10 2015, 7:02 pm

If he thinks he is the boss at 4, that situation will likely devolve as he grows older. The screaming and disobedience is a control tactic. Right now, he controls bedtime in your house. He knows that. Children can intuitively tell which adults are able to follow through--they know who is in control within a few minutes. Now you have a set pattern which has become a habit. He knows both intuitively and through experience that he controls bedtime, not you. You have to retake control. He is a child. You are an adult. He is not gauging your reaction at this point. He knows he is the boss, so you are going to have to change what has become an ingrained habit to him. It's not going to be easy, you have to be resolute.
Go through your normal routine that leads up to bedtime. Ignore any fussing. Do not fix his blanket when he complains. Do not get angry. Do not speak to him in an angry tone. You cannot show any emotion. Do not give him any attention.
You have to stop staying with him until he falls asleep. At 4 years old he is old enough to self-soothe. Say good night, leave the room. Be prepared. You may have a few nights at first that are very difficult. He is going to be absolutely indignant and outraged that you have changed the rules. He is going to express this outrage by screaming, yelling, and attempting to engage you in any way he can. You absolutely must not capitulate. Expect that for the first few nights he will yell and scream himself to sleep and leave his room to follow you down the hall many, many times. Your response must always be the same: No talking, quietly take his hand, and walk him back to his room. Put him back in his bed. Do not say anything to him. Do not engage him. Do not tell him to stop getting out of the bed. Do not talk to him at all. Do not express any emotion in your face--displeasure, sadness, exhaustion. Do not give him any reaction whatsoever. If you give him any emotional response he will know that his actions are working and he will continue to do them.
No matter how many times he comes out of his room, quietly return him to his bed by the hand and close his bedroom door. Walk away. Eventually he will learn that you mean business. He will learn that he doesn't rule bedtime. You rule bedtime. You are the adult. He is the child.
After a few days (maybe more, maybe less, depending on your child), if you repeat this and do not vary in your response, he will get it. And bedtimes will be peaceful for everyone.

seeker

Wed, Jun 10 2015, 7:21 pm

Sounds like the lego and magnatiles issue is frustration tolerance.

It also sounds like in general your kid has a lot in common with one of mine. Based on recommendations from imamother and talking to her representative on the phone, I am strongly interested in taking Dr. Tziporah Koslowitz's course called the Highly Reactive Child. I have read a lot of her articles and feel that she is very intelligent and knowledgeable about kids with emotional and behavioral difficulties. The issue is that I want help NOW and she'll only run the course when enough people sign up. So if you might want to go for this, please PM me so I can give you the number of whom to call and my name to give as a reference so they can join us in the group and have enough people to get going. Also, if enough people come from my referral they offered a discount, which would be very helpful. But I'm suggesting this course because it is supposed to be great for kids like this, not because of the referral discount (though that is the reason I didn't go amother for this! I don't like talking about my kids in public but I want this group to happen! I need 6 people and as far as I know I'm the only one so far Sad

)

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jun 10 2015, 7:29 pm

seeker wrote:

)

Does she have a website I can look at? I tried to Google, but couldn't find anything. This sounds like something I need!

seeker

Wed, Jun 10 2015, 7:39 pm

No website, alas. I also looked and asked. I think they have a brochure they give out locally (they're in Lakewood) and could probably mail as well. The course itself is joinable by skype or something like that. I guess BH (for her!) she's busy enough without a web presence. I wish the whole thing were available as a recording so I wouldn't need to gather/wait for a group, but apparently it's a very interactive course with a lot of individualized attention for all members. It really sounds great.

BTW I am probably the amother in about half of the threads to which you respond "That sounds just like my DD when she was younger!" Wink

(not all. I follow other people's threads too and have seen you say that to others too. but it does seem to happen to me a lot!)

I think it would be perfect to have a diversity of ages in the group so those with younger kids can benefit from the experiences and advice for people at the upcoming stages, since our kids will probably have similar struggles due to their inherent personalities and difficulties, we'll have some tips to take with us for the future instead of having to find another course all over again when our momentum runs out.