WWYD? Stranger on street asking for ride

Rutabaga

Mon, Sep 21 2015, 11:36 pm

I was running errands with my children this afternoon and at my last stop I was approached by an older man who asked me if I could give him a ride home. I was really torn. On the one hand, it was barely out of my way and wouldn't have been that much trouble. On the other hand, he was a complete stranger and I didn't think it was a good idea.

I took a moment to think while I collapsed the stroller and put it away. In the end, I explained that I couldn't risk it with my children in the car. I offered both to call him a cab and to pay for it, but he waved the offer away and said he understood.

I feel like a terrible person, especially right before Y"K. But as I explained to my 8 year old daughter who witnessed the whole scene, how could I teach her about not talking to strangers and then bring a stranger into our car? It actually sparked a great discussion with her about safety and stranger danger and how most people are nice but she has to be careful because she can't tell from the outside who may be mean. So I guess something good came of it all.

What do you think? Was I right or wrong? What would you have done?

(This is in NY, by the way, not someone asking for a tremp in Israel.)

youngishbear

Mon, Sep 21 2015, 11:42 pm

Sadly, these days we must choose safety first. And you did the right thing by discussing it with your daughter.

Life isn't black and white. Every chessed is not a mitzvah. You helped her learn shades of grey and that's important.

boymom

Mon, Sep 21 2015, 11:50 pm

I think you did right. your safety and your kids safety comes before helping a complete stranger, especially if he's in NY, then there would be plenty other men available to give him a ride. no need to ask a woman.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Sep 22 2015, 12:33 am

As an aside, I live in Israel and when strangers ask me for a ride, I generally say no unless it's a woman in my general neighborhood. We have dangerous men here too, including Arabs who dress up as Jews.

seeker

Tue, Sep 22 2015, 12:52 am

I think you did exactly right. I was thinking the same when I first opened the thread - safety first but if I were concerned that the person was really in serious need then call a cab and pay for it. And great job using the teachable moment with your kids.

chani8

Tue, Sep 22 2015, 2:22 am

You did the right thing! Safety first.

Why would a grown man be asking a woman (with children), for a ride?? He's asking you to compromise your safety. Who would do that?!

Who would ask you to compromise your safety? Not someone with 'you' in mind. They're thinking only of themselves. Don't feel guilty saying no. Change your thinking about it. That person is wrong to ask the favor from you.

morah

Tue, Sep 22 2015, 7:06 am

You did the right thing and had a good teaching moment. You even offered to pay for a cab, kind of like how many people won't give money to people on the street but will give food (or offer to buy some). Also what chani8 said. It is very odd for a man to ask a ride from a woman, especially one with children. He may be older, but has he been living under a rock the last 30 years? Has he not heard of parents teaching their kids to be careful with strangers? I teach my kids that while it's nice to help people, they should not help a strange adult. Normal adults do not ask children they don't know for help. It's kind of the same concept here, he should have known that women need to be wary of strange men and mothers need to be wary of strange adults.

zaq

Tue, Sep 22 2015, 3:50 pm

OMG I can't believe you even considered saying yes. Well, OK, I can believe the thought passed through your head, because I once considered for about three seconds an offer of a lift from a frum man before I recovered my senses (and spent the rest of the afternoon traumatized by the fact that I--yes, I, sensible, suspicious, keep-your-keys-in-your-hand Zaq--even entertained the thought for a millisecond). You went way beyond the call of anything to offer to pay for a cab--that was totally unnecessary. Chances are the man had nothing good in his mind, but even if he were in fact completely sincere and innocent, why would he ask a WOMAN--one with children in the car, no less? Very, very "off". You probably don't have to bench gomel but you should think it.

Shuly

Wed, Sep 23 2015, 3:13 pm

A lady once told me that she gave a frum man a ride, in Israel. She had her kids with her and for some reason decided that it was safe because her kids were there so she wasn't "alone."
Her husband was away at the time and one of her kids mentioned that Daddy was out of town. Right before she dropped the man off, he said to her:
Do you want my number? Because I know women get lonely when their husbands are out of town.

You did the right thing!

amother

Brunette

Wed, Sep 23 2015, 7:05 pm

A poor mishulach (who I knew from him visiting my parents weekly for years where he would always get some cash and some food) knocked on my door where I lived in a small dira before I was married.

I invited him into the hallway while I got some money and the sandwich I had just made and wrapped it up for him, leaving the front door open.

When I got back, he made a very inappropriate comment about how else I might make him feel good (you can imagine) and I shoved them money and food in his hand and told him to get out the door or I would call the police.

Men can be pigs and the yichud rules are there for a reason, I would not have offered a strange man a life even with children in the car, I've learned my lesson, sadly.

zaq

Wed, Sep 23 2015, 9:41 pm

amother wrote:

.

When I got back, he made a very inappropriate comment about how else I might make him feel good (you can imagine) and I shoved them money and food in his hand and told him to get out the door or I would call the police.

It must have been the shock that made you not think clearly. Had you been thinking clearly, you would have snatched back the money and the food and shoved HIM out the door.

cbg

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 8:45 am

You did the right thing.

There was only once I gave an old man a ride, but it wasn't even voluntarily.

The man was probably in his 90s. My mom and I were waiting by a red light. And the old gentleman got in the back seat, and asked us to take him to such and such address. Not too far, about 15 minute drive. When we got there he asked how much the ride was. He thought we were his taxi. He was so embarrassed.

When I lived in MB I use to give rides to ladies and older couples (80+), usually older chasidish people, but never a man. They, chasidish men, wouldn't ask, and the chasidish ladies are some times shocked that I drive. DH picks up frum people all the time, though.

sourstix

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 11:33 am

I am impressed that you offered him a cab and money. wow. that shows you were trying to help but he declined. and that was his issue. btw did he look suspicious? were you in a busy place? all of this would probably help me make such a decision. but its better to be safe then sorry. not sure its so appropriate for a man to ask a ride from a woman. so you did right

sourstix

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 11:43 am

yes now that I am thinking more about it. its highly inappropriate for a man to ask a woman for a ride. there are plenty of men in empty cars areond. and the fact that he declined the money and cab is just so obvious! bh you did the right thing and you taught your daughter something she will take for life. my father used to talk about these things to me and I stilll think about it. and how appreciative I am for it. just to add soemthing here. that if anyone is thinking of molesters here its usually close family memebers that do the damage more then strangers. thats the study. although there are bad people out there too.

anotherima

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 11:56 am

I never give rides to strange men. And if a woman wants a ride and she has a baby with her I also say no because I don't have a car seat. And if my husband is not home I do not open the door to any strange men including frum meshulachim.

pickle321

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 11:59 am

I don't open the door to any strange men or women when my husband isn't home. Sometimes I won't even check if it's someone I know and I will just ignore till they leave. If it's someone I know they can call me.