Any full time working mothers who DO manage?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 1:19 pm

I will soon be finishing school and looking for work. Being a mother, I know this means I will have a ton of responsibilities.

I keep coming on this site for words of encouragement, wanting to know that it is possible to be a full-time working mother and remain sane, but the only things that people post here are cries for help that they are not managing and are totally stressed.

Can any full-time working mothers out there tell me that they ARE managing and provide some desperately needed words of support and encouragement? What are your tips for maintaining all your responsibilities without falling behind?

thunderstorm

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 1:27 pm

We manage, but we feel overwhelmed occasionally....the hardest is when kids get sick, yomim tovim time, snow days etc...I happen to feel more fulfilled that I work and run the home....I get stressed at home sometimes, but if you have support and help from your husband you should be able to do it. The cries for help are when people get overwhelmed...that happens to everybody some time in their lives...you have to know that you cant be a super woman ...you are a person too and when you juggle a home and work full time , there is little time to do for yourself...that's when the resentment kicks in.

mha3484

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 1:32 pm

I work full time and the majority of the time I feel that I manage. I have bad days like everyone else. I wont pretend I have a few things that work to my advantage. I have almost no commute and my two kids are 5 and 1 so that makes a tremendous difference in how my family functions. But some things that help me are:

Using my motzei shabbos to clean and organize and some times cook something for the freezer.

Batch cooking such as challah, chicken soup, meat recipes so there is a freezer stash.

Involving my older child in various cleaning projects as well as using that time to spend with each other. He likes to sit with me while I fold laundry or make dinner and tell me about school.

Using my crockpot/making sheetpan dinners where its minimal prep and clean up

Keeping my standards low. Dinners are healthy but not elaborate as well as shabbos. I dont always use real dishes. I am for cleanish house. Not chaotic but not immaculate.

morah

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 1:47 pm

I am a full time working mom who manages. It's not easy, and admittedly, part of it is attitude - I don't really need to work, but I want to. I'm not cut out to stay at home. I have an easier time getting stuff done BECAUSE I work, not in spite of it.
That said, here are my tips:
First and foremost, Dh has to understand that roles are shared now. If you are sharing the task of parnossah, he is sharing the task of household management. The details are for you to work out as a couple, but the general principle is the same for all dual income households if you want it run smoothly.
Don't be afraid of healthy shortcuts. I personally have a lot of cleaning help, and while I would never say it's something all working moms need, I think it is at least something you need to consider because it really does take a lot off your plate. I also use lots of disposables during the week. Healthy meals are not that difficult- steam and lightly season some veggies or throw together a salad, and you have vegetables. Saute or bake a simply sauced or seasoned protein. Boil some rice or pasta for a starch. Complete, balanced meal. Sometimes I do breakfast for dinner, since breakfast foods are very easy. Cook double or triple so you have enough for another meal (lunch or dinner). Give yourself a cheat once a week- sandwiches, takeout, plain pasta with melted cheese, no guilt allowed. Some people cook for the whole week over the weekend, not my style personally, but it works for many.
Dinner and baths are a well-oiled machine. Mine are young, so not dealing with homework yet. Honestly, other than dinner bath and a bedtime routine, I don't have anything else for them to do at home other than play and enjoy themselves, so that takes a lot of stress out, even if they sometimes fuss at dinner or refuse to brush teeth or something. Don't know what will be when homework starts, I prefer not to think about it for now Smile

Make sure you have a plan for when kids get sick or need appointments or school stuff. Again, this varies by couple and what options are available to you, but you have to have something in place, because those situations WILL happen.
Go through backpacks as soon as you get home because that's where forms and reminders and stuff are going to be. Treat it like bringing in the mail- take it, scan it, toss as soon as you got your use out of it. It's a good idea to prep as much as you can for all of you the night before. I don't because I'm lazy and then I regret it in the morning and swear I'll be better tonight. Somehow we manage to get out the door alright. But yeah, if I took my own advice, it would be better. I will still pass it on to you though Smile

zaq

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 2:01 pm

Define "managing". Mine was "getting from Monday to Shabbat without being carted off to the loony bin or killing any of my loved ones through neglect, starvation or intent."

If you managed to get through school without being carted off to the loony bin or killing any of your loved ones, why would you think that being a working mom as opposed to student mom would be all that different? The great part about being a working mom--unless you are a teacher--is that when you shut your office door at 5.00 pm, your work stays behind that door. Student mom may spend fewer hours a week behind a desk, but she also has to write papers, keep up with classwork, and study for exams.

Do a search--this topic has been discussed ad infinitum here and elsewhere. Check out some books on time management and household organization. Some authors include Julie Morgenstern and Barbara Reich, as well as Rivka Slatkin's website.

Miri7

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 3:35 pm

Yes, we manage, thought it took us a while to hit our groove. Morah really nailed it and mentioned a lot of the things I would suggest.

Her first point is the most important - that if both parents share in working and parnassah, then both parents share in the other work, too. Household management takes a lot of effort, but I think that my DH has really taken a lot of pleasure in learning to take more primary responsibility in the home and with the kids since I've been working full time.

One thing that helps is we each have some things that are our assigned "tasks" - for instance, I schedule all dentist and doctor appointments. He's in charge of dinner. Etc.

We also use google calendar and have shared our calendars with one another, so I can see when he's busy and vice versa. We will also enter all appointments there and send an invite to the other. That way, events both large and small don't get forgotten or left in an email somewhere. We've had a lot less schedule anxiety and last-minute hassles since we've been doing that. If DH has a meeting one night, I get an automatic reminder a couple of days before so I don't get surprised by the change in our schedule.

Another thing is to just give yourself a break - sometimes the easy way is totally acceptable. I realized a while ago that my kids just don't like cooked vegetables, but will eat a lot of raw vegetables, So, much of the week we our vegetables are raw - which is totally fine and cuts out a lot of additional kitchen work. We do cooked veggie dishes mainly just for Shabbat. We've pared down our weeknight menus to what's quick and healthy - and we're ok with the limited variety.

Figure out what corners you can cut and still be happy - prioritize according to what's important for your family. Don't sweat the small stuff.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 5:24 pm

Prioritize, for every family it's different.

I went to school full time and then worked full time, my DH does not really work or help much at home, so it's all me.
I manage by deciding whats more important than other things, if I can't make supper and do laundry, then it's easy supper and clean laundry, because kids need to go to school looking clean and decent.

Depends on kids age, at this point they are getting bigger, so I give them small chores daily, they have more homework though. Sundays are easy to get it all done. I usually shop at night after bedtime as it's my only time, I actually like getting out and will take one kid with me.

Money is very tight, so I can't cut down, my biggest issue is not resenting working all the hours that I need to. I do little luxuries, very little as I'm working to survive at this point.

Some weeks we manage better than others, I think a lot depends on a few things:
Age of kids, if you have infants and toddlers, sleep is an issue
How helpful DH is
Financial means to get household help, take out etc.
How taxing the job is and if it comes home with you

Jut my two cents

observer

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 6:49 pm

We are bh managing, as I define managing. We prioritize the important things.

The children are cared for and loved. Their physical and emotional needs are bh met.

--They always have healthy meals. (It might be served on paper plates. Ok, it usually is!)
--They are clean and have clean clothes. (Washed at 1am the previous night and -gasp! not folded yet!)
--We are happy and upbeat and we like to dance! (On a floor that is very messy even though it was swept earlier today)

So some things have to slide a little, but as long as it's "things" and not "people", it's all good!

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 10 2015, 7:25 pm

I think I do more than manage, I manage really well. How?

I am neurotic about organization.

The menu for the week is planned on motzei shabbos, grocery shopping is done on Sunday, as much food prep as possible for dinners is done on Sunday.

Children's clothing are laid out the night before, breakfast is yogurt, cereal, oatmeal, or something else that is quick and easy. Briefcases are checked and prepared the night before with notes, snacks, etc. I even choose which coat/jacket based on the weather forecast.

I have morning timing down to a science, what time each kid has to be up, dressed, eaten, and outside waiting for the bus.

I use as many delivery services as possible (groceries, pharmacy, cleaners, etc.)

Laundry is done twice a week at night, after the kids are in bed.

I budget cleaning lady because it keeps me sane, and is more important to me than buying lunch or some other little luxury. I leave a detailed list for the cleaning lady so I know exactly what to expect when I get home.

There are some great tips on this thread. For me, the secret to a well-run household is advance planning and organization.

HonesttoGod

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:03 am

avimom wrote:

yep- I manage, but with lower standards than other people or than when I'm not working. If the kids' shabbos shoes are still out on Monday, it's fine!!! If I had higher standards, I would need more outside help. I guess I'm different though then others because I wish that I did not have to work at all ...

This. and most of the other posts on here too.
I lowered my standards substantially when I started working full time. It still bothers me that my house is not how I would dream for it to be but hey it is what it is. So long as my kitchen is clean every night and I get into a made bed, I am ok.

You get into the swing of things and pick up little knicks and knacks in your routine that make it easier for you.
For example I live with boys, so every morning before I use the toilet, I use a lysol wipe to wipe down the seat and bowl. 2 extra seconds but I feel cleaner.
Before my kids have a bath (not every day, usually every other day) I shower down the walls and tub, again, clean-ish.

I am a huge fan of freezer cooking, bulk and advanced preparation. I spend Sunday morning grocery shopping, Sunday afternoon cooking or baking for the freezer and Sunday evening packaging and preparing snacks for all of us for the week. And intermittently doing washing.

I also have a cleaner for 4 hours on a Friday so at least Friday night my house is mostly clean.
I HATE that my ironing only gets done every few weeks but if I need something Ill do it on my bed real quick. Folding gets put away on Friday night - so it stays on the couch all week but better than me going to bed at 3 am on Sunday night.

Early nights are a must. If I am not in bed before 1030/11 pm I can't function.

People always ask how do you manage. The answer is I don't. I am always exhausted, when work is busy I am so overwhelmed I can't see straight. I get sick a lot. I have meltdowns and there are days I just want to quit. But on a regular day to day basis I get up, get dressed get my kids out and go to work.
The beginning is much harder until you get into a schedule/system. THen you flow.

When you see or hear us complaining it is the bad days but I won't lie it is NOT easy.

amother

Linen

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:11 am

I work full time and I manage.

I have cleaning help 8 hours a week and only have 1 child. The cleaning help is major, didn't have any last year and it was much harder.

Laundry is not a pressure because I can rely on my cleaning lady to fold and put away all the laundry. Again, we only have 3 people in my household so it's manageable.

I load the dishwasher every night after supper so I don't have so many dishes.

I try my best to double my supper recipes so I have a backup for emergency days.

Grocery shopping is done during my lunch break. Sometimes DH will do the shopping if I don't have time.
I stock up at Costco so I don't have to run out for little things (tissues, paper towels, paper goods, etc)

At night after dc is asleep I straighten the house. It only takes 15-20 minutes because we try to keep the house as clean as possible.

pesek zman

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:25 am

I work full time and feel that I am managing

I agree with those who say it's all about organization and having a system.

We have 1 child (a baby who is in daycare) and no household help. The fact that she is in daycare means I have to leave the house earlier (with her) to take her to daycare, and come home a bit later with her in tow. It also means not having a moment alone (on the commute) but the flip side is that I get to spend extra time with her.

Laundry is done on Saturday nights. This has been life changing. We are both home anyway, might as well do laundry. Sorting it, hanging up things to dry, folding. This is our date night. This also allows time for my husbands shrts to dry to he can iron them on a weeknight.

Sunday morning (while baby naps, or when her father is watching her) I cook for the week. I make 2-4 entrees (depending on the amount of Shabbos leftovers that I can stretch or repurpose) which we eat Sunday-Thursday. Doing this makes me feel ready for the week ahead and all I have to do on a weeknight is cut up veggies for a salad or cook up some pasta or rice (or whatever) for sides. Sunday afternoons are family time where we try to do something together out of the house.

Weeknights, when we come home from work/daycare (until baby's 6:30pm bedtime) are all about spending time with her. After she goes to sleep, it's last minute dinner prep, reheating, and of course preparing for the next morning. Bottles are made, her food is portioned (to take to daycare) her clothes are laid out and her diaper bag is packed.

Wednesday nights is for grocery shopping (on my way home with baby) for me and initial house cleaning (silver cleaning, etc) for my husband. Thursday nights (after she goes to sleep) is for Shabbos cooking (me) and household cleaning for my husband. We do everything (including plugging in the urn, setting up the blech and setting the table) on Thursday night. Especially now that Friday is short, we even bathe the baby on Thursday night. Friday afternoons, I come in the house, pop food in oven or blech, light candles and take a breath.

Then we do it all over again.

Like I said, for me it's all about having a system. You can definitely do this!

Stars

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:26 am

Grocery shopping is done by email. The time saved is worth the wrong brand of pasta.

All the other shopping- Amazon is a lifesaver.

Dinner in the crockpot. A must.

Early bedtime. Another must. Weddings do throw me off.

Laundry gets washed all the time, folded and put away most of the time. My dh knows where to find clean laundry if there isn't any in the drawer.

Floors and bathroom get wiped down once a week, counters and sinks every night. Sweep every night.

Dishes done either right after supper or never. That's what I learnt. So I do them right away. Supper dishes- 8 minutes and done, while dh occupies our baby.

Baby goes to bed at 7pm so I get me time from 7-9 at least three times a week. I read, watch some funny videos or take a bath. I find it's essential.

Shabbos and Sunday is family time used to it's fullest.

chaiz

Wed, Nov 11 2015, 8:32 am

morah wrote:

First and foremost, Dh has to understand that roles are shared now. If you are sharing the task of parnossah, he is sharing the task of household management. The details are for you to work out as a couple, but the general principle is the same for all dual income households if you want it run smoothly.

This is HUGE. When you have a supportive husband who is involved it makes a huge difference. Each couple will have their own way and dynamic, but the common denominator will be an involved father and husband.