Parents of struggling children, please help!!!!

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Dec 15 2015, 6:44 am

My son has an auditory processing disorder. He does well in most subjects despite that bH. However we moved and he is now in a really big school, and having a very hard time with both the rebbi and the teacher and even navigating lunch in such a tremendous school. I spoke with both teachers and both prinicipals and while they seemed helpful they haven't done much. THats just my intro. My real question is what do you do when your kid doesnt want to go to school???? My son is only 8 but he is defiant. Very passive aggressive and has anger management problems. Some days when he doesnt want to go I agree to pick him up an hour early. That didnt work today. Neither did threatning to throw out a dvd. Or telling him he cant watch dvds for a week. Neither did telling him that I understand and that we will all daven for him. Nothing worked. Now he is home with my babysitter. I feel like a failure. What do you do when your children refuse to go to school???? Please help!!

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Dec 15 2015, 8:25 am

I would make it very clear to DS that you hear him and you understand his feelings and that you are going to do everything in your power to work with the teachers and administration to make school more pleasant for him AND you are going to look into other school options for him (if there are any - don't lie if there aren't) BUT in the meantime he, like all children, need to be in school. If you're not sick, you go to school. Tell him if he refuses to dress for school you will take him in his pajama. Be very serious and prepared to follow through on this. Now that you let him stay home today he may think he's got it made and will be staying home as often as he likes.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Dec 15 2015, 8:45 am

Will your school let you shadow him for a day or two? Tell him that he may NOT talk to you during the day, sit in the very back of the class, and be as quiet as a mouse. Bring a cup of coffee, a sack lunch, and a notepad.

Make it very clear to the teachers that you are not evaluating them, you are evaluating your child. Teachers can get very intimidated by a parent in the class, and you have to talk to them up front and put them at ease.

Observe carefully what is going on in the environment, how your child is reacting, and what his triggers are. From there, you can come up with a plan to help the teachers reach him better. Make sure that you present this as teaming with the teachers, and not criticizing them in any way. If the teachers think that you are there to help them and make their job easier, they'll be much more inclined to accommodate.

The added bonus is, when your child complains, you can say "I saw how that could happen, it must be very frustrating." and he'll believe you, because you were there. Ask him how he would change things, or what he would do if he were the teacher or principal. Enroll him in the process of realistic problem solving - and staying home does not count!

My kiddo is just like your son, and this technique has helped us immensely. If the school is resistant to letting you shadow, then there is something seriously wrong with that school, and it's time to make a switch.

You may have to go to what you consider a "lower level" or "second choice" school, but if your child is happier there, he will learn. A miserable child in the "best school" might as well be living on the streets. Right now, the love of learning is the goal in and of itself. Even if he falls behind his peers, don't worry, he'll catch up eventually.

5*Mom

Tue, Dec 15 2015, 1:25 pm

amother wrote:

He's not doing this to be defiant. Hes really miserable in his new school.

THIS.

This is frustrating and difficult for you, yes, but take a minute to put yourself in your son's shoes and experience things from his perspective. Respond from that vantage point. Find out what his day is like, either by observing yourself (this might not be the best idea if it will further interfere with your son's normal functioning to have you there and you might not get an accurate picture) or by hiring a professional to observe for you. Then take it from there. In the meantime, offer empathy and understanding and reassurance that you will do whatever you can to fix whatever isn't working. He needs to know you're on is side, not against him. If that means staying home from school a bit until things can be figured out, that's okay. Just knowing you understand and are working on it may help him stick it out in the meantime.