How important are routines?

baschabad

Sat, Jan 16 2016, 8:16 pm

A friend of mine keeps stressing how important routines are for children. How predictability is a key factor in their development and how the lack of it is detrimental to them.
Maybe I don't understand the concept properly, but it sounds like rigid schedule with no room for deviation.
The problem is - I'm a creative mind. I have a hard time creating routines and following them. This is not to say that my entire day is haphazard and that bedtime never happens, it's just that I'm very flexible. We don't have a set dinnertime (my DH has odd work hours) , we might push off bedtime to read extra stories, or skip brushing teeth, (that one I DO regret), but it's just my general attitude towards life. Is that called lack of routine?
And how is it bad for my kids? If anything, I think they are more resilient about change, and they won't go to pieces if we can't find the right toothbrush, or they have to wait a little longer for food to be ready.

What do you think?

flowerpower

Sat, Jan 16 2016, 10:17 pm

Strict rigid routines do set children up for failures. They won't be able to deal with surprises or change of routine. I like what the previous poster that said that she does "loose routines". That is what we do. I make sure homework is done by a certain time and dinner isn't at 5:30 prompt every single night. I start bedtime between 8:15 and 8:25 every single weekday night. We do the same bedtime routine like pajamas, clothines in hamper, and tooth brushing but once in bed it's not always the same thing. My kids are pretty flexible.

SingALong

Sat, Jan 16 2016, 11:09 pm

I have a pretty strict routine daily, especially for my 3 kids ages 4 and down. However Shabbos and Sunday is flexible. Friday night they can stay up late, Shabbos and Sunday morning they hang out in pjs till late. The older kids have loose routines, like if one has a test and needs to stay up late or has a play date after school bedtime can be pushed off.
I find routines help me keep the house running smoothly. I find the kids feel more what's expected of them, the consistency of each day helps them feel grounded, jmho. The flexibility of scheduling is loose each Shabbos and Sunday so I think that enables them to be so comfortable with life changes.

seeker

Sat, Jan 16 2016, 11:16 pm

Yes, I do think all children need some degree of routine in their lives.
No, that does not mean rigid, inflexible schedules.
And not every child needs the same level of structure.
But I do think childhood development requires some way of knowing what to expect and a sense of stability and continuity.

You say you often read extra bedtime books - but in that case your routine is "books then bed" or something like that. So nu, you didn't specify how many books, but you have an order of events that is expected to occur. If at some point you're blessed with a child who needs more structure you might have to set a number of books too, but even that could be adjusted at times.

If you ever need to say "instead of doing it the usual way, today we're doing this instead" then that means you have some sense of routine - there is a usual way, and now we have the flexibility to deviate from it. Both are important.

A routine is not at all the same thing as a schedule, though they can be linked. A schedule is times, a routine is orders. A routine can mean "playtime is over, we clean up and then eat supper" whether this happens at 5:30, 6, or 6:30 on any given day. It can mean "On days when Daddy is home, we do things this way" even if Daddy is not always home the same days each week. It's a matter of knowing what to expect and knowing what is expected of you, both of which are important for kids to have at some level (some kids need it more and some less, but I think none at all is just dysfunctional for anyone)

And you do not need DH to have a consistent schedule in order to have routines for yourself and the kids. It is not a tragedy for them to have supper without their dad some nights. Or for the dinner routine to start at different times each night, though I think that is just going to be harder for everyone because a body knows when to get hungry. If they eat before dad comes home, they can sit with him while he eats and share their day or something. You'll figure it out the same way everyone else with varying schedules does.

greenfire

Sat, Jan 16 2016, 11:23 pm

not having any routine creates havoc & cranky kids, exhausted parents and leads to unproductivity in all areas of life, I.e. dinner, homework, bedtime, future ...

consistency is vital

knowing where the balance from one extreme to the other can soften the rigidity and allow for exceptions to be made when warranted I.e. an extra bedtime story, staying out late for a relative's simcha are okay - not bathing, skipping brushing teeth at bedtime or not brushing hair before going out will teach poor hygiene for life ...

miami85

Sun, Jan 17 2016, 12:30 am

"routines" are whatever you do on a nightly basis that cue your kids that its time to settle down--or get ready for a certain activity (I.e. morning routine or after school routine). If your kids are otherwise "Self-regulated" and you find your nights winding down as you desire you don't need to have anything too strict. If you fluctuate your night too much, then it becomes harder for kids to have predictability which can mess them up. Some kids NEED that predictability--it allows them to feel safe. One of my kids reminds ME of my nightly responsibilities--reading stories, brushing teeth, drink before bed etc. I have another kids who plunks himself into bed when he's tired. It's a matter of personality. Most little kids can't tell time, but they can tell order. I'm not so "routine" based myself, but after a while certain things became routine just because they have to happen every night--getting undressed, putting on pjs, going to the bathroom before bed etc. story time happens AFTER pjs& bathroom--doesn't matter how many stories you read.

asp40

Sun, Jan 17 2016, 8:29 am

It depends on the number of kids and ages of kids and of course, everyone's personality. I found that routine was a MUST for me, as I have kids very close in age. They always knew what to expect and when to expect it. They could rely on it. Yes, one of them was highly highly structured and could not deal with change, but that was his personality and I think without routine he would have fallen apart.

I have friends with and without routine and if their kids are easy going and the parents are reliable, it is fine, but if parents fly by the seat of their pants I think it creates instability for most children. They dont know what to expect - will anyone be home for me after school? will anyone have time to help me with my school project, etc... All dependent on the family dynamic.

I would not have survived life with 4 toddlers without routines.