Inviting Back | Imamother

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jun 02 2016, 11:54 pm

Do you always feel that you must reciprocate after a person invited you for a meal or for shabbos? My husband likes to reciprocate even if the other family is two to three times our family size. Is that normal? Many people we hosted in the past never invited us back for meals.

5mom

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:36 am

It's the correct thing to do. Why not?

The exception is when there's an obvious social imbalance - eg if the rabbi of a shul invites a newlywed couple for a meal on shabbos, they are not expected to invite him and his family back.

MiracleMama

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:37 am

It's not a must. I don't think most people who extend invitation feel owed a return invite (though it is nice). I always like to reciprocate - even if the other family is much bigger, because I enjoy company and entertain easily. If it's overwhelming for you, you're entitled to skip it.

amother

Rose

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 4:59 am

I think it's expected besides situations like the one mentioned above. It's not the kind of thing I'd go crazy over if forgotten though. I do wonder when we have people over and they don't invite us back if they just really didn't enjoy our company lol. I've heard of people getting really hurt by it though.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 8:20 am

We rarely get invited out to the same people that we invite. We like to be home, so maybe that's why, but it still makes me sad that we don't get so many invites. We have 5 kids, so I get that that's a lot for some people to host.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 9:44 am

The situation is we slept in the persons house for shabbos and they hosted us for one meal. We ate one meal in shul and my husband ate sholosh seudot in shul with the host. I was offered nothing to eat from the time lunch was over till the time we went home after Shabbat. My husband feels we should invite them for a weekend to our summer home. They have a much larger family then us.
From experience from families we invited to our summer home most people never reciprocated one meal in return for an entire shabbos.

MiracleMama

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 10:16 am

amother wrote:

Hosting a sleep over is very different than hosting a meal. I don't think anyone expects you to board a huge family just because they were kind enough to host you. Hopefully you did adequately thank them for their hospitality though. While not absolutely mandatory it's nice to give the hostess a gift of appreciation.

greenfire

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 10:39 am

nothing in life should be a 'tit-for-tat' ... it's nice to have reciprocal friends

this does not seem the situation you have - and most certainly a weekend summer vacation when you were not happy where you were makes no sense

although it's not clear why you were there in the first place and why not more than one meal was shared ...

as for not eating since lunchtime did she eat and not offer food, were you too uncomfortable to ask what you could eat ? some hosts are more non-nonchalant about eating & serving

Raisin

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 10:45 am

I don't always want shalosh seudos. When we have sleepover guests I offer them something but its not like we have an official meal. (there is an official shalosh seudos in shul every week to which men and women are invited) My kids eat cereal or sandwiches and I eat something after shabbos or after my little ones are asleep. I'm not hungry at 6pm.

I find guests often don't want food either.

observer

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:06 pm

Raisin wrote:

The nice thing is to offer them food. If they don't want it, that's their choice.

Miri7

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:32 pm

A couple of things:

When you have people staying by you for Shabbat, even if you don't do a formal shalosh seudas, it's nice to have some food out - fruit, nuts, something to nosh on. Let your guest know that it's available for them, offer juice or coffee, etc. put out some plates, napkins.

Second, you don't have to reciprocate, though it's typically the nice thing to do. There are some exceptions. We're a big family and I don't expect young marrieds to invite my whole crew over. Or if they live in a tiny apartment and don't have room for us all.

I don't think you need to invite to your vacation home. I assume you don't live near them so you can't invite for a meal. In your case, a nice note or small gift thanking for their hospitality will suffice.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:36 pm

There's 2-3 couples I've had over (2 of them twice!) and we've never received an invite back. We are a small family (3 people) so it's not like we're a burden to host.

I invite plenty of other company, but if I've invited you and you haven't had me back it's a pretty sure sign that I don't need to have you again.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 12:41 pm

I wasn't expecting a whole sholosh seudot. But I wasn't offered a cup of water or a piece of cake. When shabbos is over way after 9 PM a person can get hungry.

amother

Magenta

Fri, Jun 03 2016, 4:09 pm

How much larger is their family?
A family of 3 shouldn't feel obligated to host a family of 8.
A note or small gift, although not a must is a nice gesture.

DH and I invite a lot of families small and large , and understandably, DH is the Rav of the community. Of course we don't expect an invitation to their house. But, a few times we were invited to people we trust their kashrut, and I really appreciated the invitation. It was like a mini vacation for me. Also, we are only 2 ppl, so we know it will not inconvenience them.

I don't think you need to invite them, regardless if they offered you something to eat.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 1:49 pm

amother wrote:

That's a little petty. We've been invited for some meals but I haven't invited back because having guests is stressful for me, even if it's only two people. I rarely have guests. Most of the people who have invited us have guests every week. I always appreciate when people invite us and enjoy it but it's too hard for me to reciprocate.

amother

Goldenrod

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

Yep not everybody's good at hosting. We're shy and even just sending that initial invite gets me nervous. Cooking and setting up stresses me out and once the guests are here I always feel pressure to entertain big time (because my husband doesn't). I end up cooking, serving, and doing all the entertaining too. That's why we only invite people over a couple of times a year and it's usually people that we're somewhat close with. I try to reciprocate to others who invited us through doing other favors for them and helping them out in other ways.

amother

Teal

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 10:55 pm

Same as above. Having company stresses me out and my kids don't like it so I rarely have company. It is what it is and hopefully people are mature enough to realize that invitations aren't always tit for tat. People invite us cuz they like us, not so that we'll invite them back

amother

Violet

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 11:47 pm

All of you who don't invite back should know that its not right. Its stressful and a lot of work to have company for all of us, but part of the social contract is that barring unusual circumstances you should reciprocate invites. Otherwise it sends the message that you dont like or appreciate your hosts.

amother

Rose

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 11:51 pm

amother wrote:

That's not true. Some people thrive on hosting. And points mentioned above are true. If you are a family of 2 or 3 invited by a family of 8 or 10 I don't think you have to invite back. If you are same family size in similar circumstances you probably should.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Jun 04 2016, 11:59 pm

amother wrote:

I agree. When I invited company and was never invited back I get the message that they were uninterested in being friends.

To the poster above who commented and said that not everyone is a good host and it's too stressful to have company, the company I had (both families) that didn't reciprocate have other company all the time. I know many people who've eaten there. I agree that some people are not great with hosting and don't invite back company for this reason but the families I was referring to are very big hosters.